Spider Jerusalem

At least nobody has mentioned playing James Perch in there....

Aye - four year deal.

As far as I wouldn't put it past him to use Sports Direct as the next shirt sponsor, I can't see any manufacturer taking on a deal under those terms as they wouldn't want to have 95% of their shirts unsold.

Our 'Marquee signing' of summer 2012 no less!

You've did their scouting for them already - if they sign more than half of them claim a finders fee.

I can see the press release on February 1st already. 'We didn't want to make knee jerk sinings to replace our outgoing right full back, a transfer request that shocked us at the time. It is well known that signing players in January is notoriously difficult, and in such a short space of time we targettted players that were the right fit for the club, but other teams just didn't want to sell. Besides we've got James Perch and he can play there, right?'

Have they fuck, we're now waiting until January to get players 'with the right fit'...

Weren't they talking of doing one of these 'ask your questions and we'll put some extremely vetted ones he may answer to him interviews' soon anyway. Well done though, one critical (wouldn't call it scathing) report and back to sucking the Ashley cock.

[flash=200,200] ;D ;D A real life version of this...

I thought Obertan was French. You vicious, vicious bastard... not laughing at all...

Smith was made availbale for free transfer to anyone that wanted him this summer but nobody did take us up on that. Wonder why that was. He's got an aura about him that makes it intimidating for other players in the same squad as him. They know they simply aren't at his level. He's also on a ridiculous wage which no-one else would want to pay. We've also got Xisco on the books but managed to get him out on a part-paid wage this year, as well as the last two seasons and he's looked beyond shite as well. Is there nobody in the desperate relegation / promotion / relegation situation in the Premier League or Championship willing to do the same.

Smith was made availbale for free transfer to anyone that wanted him this summer but nobody did take us up on that. Wonder why that was. £50k a week wages is my guess. Smith was made availbale for free transfer to anyone that wanted him this summer but nobody did take us up on that. Wonder why that was. I know he's shit, I just mean if he was on the books of a lot of clubs like he is on ours, he would be in the squad. And which fucker gave the terms and conditions for this twat to be here leeching the club when he was clearly a busted flush at Man U.

Smith was made availbale for free transfer to anyone that wanted him this summer but nobody did take us up on that. Wonder why that was.

I wouldn't say that - being told that all of the money brought in from a windfall transfer would be re-invested from day one, losing more players than the number coming in, having transfer fees and wages from outgoing players AT LEAST covering incoming transfers, spending less than last years summer transfers as a newly promoted team where we at least marinally built up the squad. When we bought in Bowyer it wasn't great but we hadn't finished four points away from relegation the season before , and sure we sold Woodgate to have lesser players but now we still have and still have Perter Fucking Lovenkrands playing and Alan Smith being a viable substitute in the managers eyes when they wouldn't get into any other Premier League teams 25 man squad. Oh, but we have a 21 man squad, that includes Alan Smith, Peter Lovenkrands, James Perch and Ryan Taylor - not really players you want to rely on week after week but will have to at least once this season. Seems like an absolute fucking abortion of a transsfer window to me.

Fine, Barton may be right as these four players are probably our most sellable assets right now and it would fit in with the apparent transfer non-strategy. However, as I said a couple of years ago when Shay Given* was bleating on about us to some rag, 'you're no longer at the club, it doesn't concern you now, shut the fuck up and get on about your own business'. * I'm not comparing Shay Given to Joey Barton as players in any way, by the way.

His record last season wasn't too clever either coming third bottom in the %won table posted previously (a table that contained amatuers, madmen and Graeme Souness) and didn't have a win / loss record too different from the bloke he fucked over to get the job. I chose to use this season as we're being told we've had a 'great start' (as we did under Allardyce and we all remember the fucking shambles the football was then) but in reality the team that has been cobbled together under the alleged management of Pardew has been lucky not to get overrun in the first half of every match so far this season and has managed to pull off a lucky result against mediocre opposition- as we found out under Allardyce that luck doesn't last and you start to drift down the league. I'm not blaming Pardew totally - he's desperately taken on a role where he's getting shat on from every direction - but it's what he signed on to do he knew from day one he was going to have to suck Ashleys shit-covered cock and tell everyone he'd feasted on hoi-sin duck.

By the looks of the responses of some people in here, I guess I'm wrong. Results have been despite the performances this season so far though. We've seen nothing of the alleged new system that was going to give us greater posession, but have managed to ride our luck and grind out results against the run of play. Allardyce had a fantastic start to the season statistically, but we all remember the shite that was served up in those early matches and how it turned to shit after one negative result.

Fucking Bingo! Fucking Double Bingo - they got their yes man who wasn't as mental as the last one.

No, if anything we are attracting more exciting players than in recent years. £5 for Cabaye is better than £15m for Luque, or whatever it was. £9.5m, but what's the difference in £5.5m in misrepresenting the dealings of the previous board while defending the current. I honestly didn't know the figures, my point was that we're not attracting any worse players from abroad than in recent years really. Aye - I was just having a troll moment anyway (you've probably guessed that). If anything I'd probably say that the current financial limitations have flushed out the shysters, malignerers and hangers on from the squad (not just foreigners) and left us with players who actully want to play football.

No, if anything we are attracting more exciting players than in recent years. £5 for Cabaye is better than £15m for Luque, or whatever it was. £9.5m, but what's the difference in £5.5m in misrepresenting the dealings of the previous board while defending the current.

Jack_Is_Sound Jack Laidlaw @CaulkinTheTimes Can you please ask Alan PRdew a few tough questions at the next opportunity, thankyou @CaulkinTheTimes George Caulkin @Jack_Is_Sound what's the point? He doesn't have the answers. Jack_Is_Sound Jack Laidlaw @ @CaulkinTheTimes i dont know mate, i guess i just want to see someone highlight the inconsistencies, tough for you guys though i know CaulkinTheTimes George Caulkin @ @Jack_Is_Sound I'll continue to do that Jack. Feels like all I've been doing for years. Would be nice to have cups & Europe to write about. It's more the local journos who are terrified to step out of line and ask what actually is going on at the club and tell him his self-imposed day of judgement is upon hm. Instead though we'll see the usual powder-puff pieces, probably highlighting how Pardew's Patter getting him into bother with The FA is unjust, Shola is going to step up to the plate (usually their favourite slow news topic) etc. up until they have something to write about for the next match.

Amortisation of players contracts increasing by £35m....

Pedants Corner - They weren't all right though, Pardew was well fucking wide of the mark...

You've been listening to Pardew's patter too much - we didn't buy Ba, we got him on a contract technicality, which seemed to be the clubs transfer 'strategy' for a number of players.

3 - The sqaud is even weaker than it was last year and we are currently one injury or suspension away from being right in the shit. Crashed around looking for two players that we knew that we had to replace from the start of the window, one in one out policy, giving senior players away without replacing them and then predictably fucking up on the last day of the window to make panic buys. Just like most of the transfer windows since this cunt took over really.