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Newcastle United 2006-7 End of Season Review.

Optimistic Nut

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*Long post warning* - For the third year in a row, here's the season through the crystal ball of an Optimistic Nut.



After a successful trip to Latvia, Glenn Roeder confirms he is close to signing 3 or 4 players in the next 7-10 days.


After watching Dirk Kuyt starring at the weekend for Feyenoord, Roeder says he was “very impressed” with the Feyenoord man. “I’ve seen him a few times, but I would like to watch him again at the weekend. However, just because I’m going to watch him again doesn’t mean this club will be bidding for him” he adds.


Despite being in constant contact with Real Madrid, Chelsea & Inter over Gravesen, Bridge & Martins respectively over the last week, Newcastle go into the opening day of the season with only Damien Duff as a new recruit. A ball which bobbled in off Ameobi’s shin gave Newcastle a slender 1-0 victory over Wigan. “I am the man to score 20 goals a season now, and my aim is to win an England cap before the season’s out” a confident Ameobi states.


In an exclusive 2-page interview with Alan Oliver, Geordie-boy Lee Clark declared he actually physically bled black and white.


After seeing Kuyt bag a hat-trick, Roeder once again reiterates he’s impressed by the talents of the Dutch forward. “I’ll be sending Terry Mac over one more time next week just to make sure” he says.


After Luque came off the bench to liven-up a dour match against Wigan by setting up the goal, Roeder insists he’ll be in the side which faces Ventspils in midweek. He also adds it’s 50-50 that one player will be in before the weekend, and that there’ll definitely be 2 in before the end of the transfer window.


Despite being left out of the side which drew 0-0 at home to Ventspils to secure UEFA Cup football for Newcastle, Luque rejects the chance to return to La Liga with Barcelona. “I want to stay and prove I can play in the Premiership” he tells Marca.


In an Evening Chronicle exclusive, Alan Oliver slams Albert Luque for being a mercenary, only wanting to stay at Newcastle for his wages. Roeder speaks out on the official club website saying his Spanish superstar has been working hard in training and will definitely be in the side which faces Aston Villa.


After a drab 0-0 draw at Villa Park, Roeder announces Martins & Kuyt will be in before deadline day. After being an unused sub at Aston Villa, Luque is sold to Sevilla for £2m. The Evening Chronicle publishes a 24-page pullout saying how there should never be a Spaniard in a Newcastle shirt, ever again.




Thousands of Newcastle fans pack the Leazes End once more, as Glenn Roeder unveils Fernando Torres to the crowd after sealing a £20m move from Athletic Madrid on deadline day.


Alan Oliver expresses his disgust as a foreigner dons the famous number 9 shirt for the first time in the Premiership era.


Torres marks his Newcastle debut with a hat-trick as Fulham become the first Premiership side to feel the force of El Nino.


Glenn Roeder slams new-boy Fernando Torres for showing a clear reluctance to learn the English language, “He’s been here two weeks now. All I asked of him was to sing the first three verses of the Blaydon Races, but he sang “starin” instead of “stannin”.


Torres is dropped to the bench for the visit to Upton Park, but an Ameobi 2-yard toe-poke gave Newcastle a shock 1-0 victory.


An horrendous end to the month sees Newcastle lose at Liverpool, pick up a goalless draw at home to Everton and humiliated at Old Trafford, with Torres nowhere to be seen. Victory against Derry City in the UEFA Cup is the only highnote to a disappointing month which sees Newcastle remain in 8th position after 7 matches.



Fernando Torres speaks to the media for the first time about his shameful version of the Blaydon Races. “eff-effeffeff, eff-eff-effeff, taak like that Chrissy Waddle like” he tells Marca.


Glenn Roeder accepts Torres’ apology and restores him to the 18-man squad to face Bolton. Proof that Roeder has forgiven Torres was proven as the Spaniard watches the match in its entirety from the substitutes bench as Damien Duff scores his first for Newcastle in a scrappy 1-0 win.


Newcastle linked with a January move for Dutch striker Dirk Kuyt in one of the Sunday papers. “They’ve got a match on Sunday. I haven’t seen a lot of the lad to be honest but I’ll go across with Kevin Bond on Sunday and take a look at him” explains Roeder.


With an Ameobi injury on the eve of the trip to Boro, Torres is told he has a major role to play in the Tyne-Tees derby. He replaces Carl Finnigan in the 86th minute and salvages a priceless 1-1 draw for Newcastle with an injury-time equaliser.


An understrength Newcastle side win their 3rd Round Carling Cup tie with Carlisle, as Torres scores twice to seal a 2-0 win.


After Dirk Kuyt netted twice under the watchful eye of Glenn Roeder, Roeder is impressed. “We’ll definitely come back and have another look at him sometime. That’s not to say Newcastle will be bidding for him however…”


Newcastle finish the month with yet another 1-0 win, as fully fit Shola Ameobi nets from the spot against Charlton. Newcastle somehow upto 5th in the table.


Roeder rewards Ameobi’s goalscoring prowess with a new 5-year contract at the club.





Fernando Torres expresses his willingness to stay and fight for his place, despite media reports linking him with a return to Spain with Barcelona. Alan Oliver unimpressed, as he reveals how Torres is only staying for the money.


Jean Alain Boumsong, who has been an integral part of the Newcastle backline which has helped keep so many clean-sheets this season is named captain in the absence of Scott Parker for the visit of Sheffield United. He pops up with his first goal in England as he and Duff give Newcastle a 2-0 victory.


The return to full fitness of Stephen Carr means in-form Boumsong is left out of the squad for the trip to Man City, as Steven Taylor shuffles back to centre-back. An humiliated 5-0 defeat, including a Taylor own goal see Newcastle slip down to 6th. “He’s a young lad and he’ll learn from it.” Alan Oliver writes saying how he should persist with the Geordie-raised centre-back for the trip to Ashburton Grove.


Lee Clark names his new-born child “James Park Clark”, as he’s a proper Geordie. Alan Oliver nominates him for the Evening Chronicle’s “Bonny Baby of the Year” award, and wins it, despite serious competition from a 6-month old girl from Blaydon. James Park Clark finishes a disappointing 638th.


Kieron Dyer returns to full-training for the first time this season.


Taylor retains his place in the side at Arsenal which goes down gallantly in a 3-1 defeat. Torres comes off the bench to grab a late consolation. “He’s certainly in my thoughts for next week” says Roeder.


Newcastle end the month with a 2-1 win against Portsmouth, as Newcastle end the month in 8th position.




After a poor 4-0 defeat against Chelsea, Roeder says it’s all a part of Steven Taylor’s development as a player, and that he’ll improve as a result of it.


England manager Steve McClaren ignores Scott Parker once more, this time selecting Boro squad member Lee Cattermole instead. Parker announces his retirement from international football.


Fernando Torres sports a brand new hairstyle, dyed in black and white stripes. Not to be outdone, Geordie boy Lee “Bonny Lad” Clark gets a full body tattoo of black and white stripes.


The new hairstyle obviously works as Fernando Torres is given a new leash of life under Roeder. With the game already at 0-2 at home to Reading, Torres is given the last 2 minutes of action, after having replaced Kieron Dyer who had made his return to action after only being on the pitch 13 minutes himself.


With the transfer window approaching, Newcastle are linked with Dutch centre-forward Dirk Kuyt.


Torres makes a rare start as Carl Finnigan withdraws from the squad during the pre-match warm-up. He bags two as Newcastle win the match 2-1.


Roeder flies out to Rotterdam to have a look at Kuyt, who puts in a man of the match performance scoring a brace. “He’s obviously a very talented lad. I think we’ll come and have another look at him soon as I don’t want to rush into making any signings. Just because I’ll be watching him again, doesn’t mean Newcastle United will be bidding for the player however”.


Freddie Shepherd spotted outside Milligans. Greggs shares plummet.


Shepherd issues a public apology to Greggs, and says he’ll never cheat on them again.


3 wins in the last 5 games of the calendar year sees Newcastle still in touch with a UEFA Cup spot in 7th spot, and still in the UEFA & FA Cups.



Newcastle linked with a move for Dutch striker Dirk Kuyt.


Roeder denies the story as the Dutch season is in the middle of it’s winter break, so will be unable to scout the player.


Newcastle end their 35 year-old winless streak at Old Trafford as Torres comes off the bench to score twice in a stunning 2-0 victory.


Torres sold to Barcelona for £10m. “I didn’t feel his heart was at the club. He wasn’t particularly keen to learn the language” says Roeder.


A “Larn yersel Geordie” dictionary is sold on ebay by a user by the name of “El Nino Geordio” for £4.50 plus £2.50 for delivery.


Michael Chopra, who had scored 5 goals in 23 appearances for Cardiff is signed for £4m. “We should never have got rid of him in the first place, and we’ll not be making any more high-risk, big-money transfers like the last one”. He’s also given the number 9 vacated by the recently departed Torres.


Alan Oliver writes a 4-page special in the Evening Chronicle saying how it’s great to have another Geordie in the number 9 who knows what it means to the club, rather than some Diego who didn’t know his stannin’ from his starin’.


Newcastle end the month in 9th position after a poor run of form, and are also knocked out of the FA Cup at the 4th Round stage after a defeat at Chelsea.




Freddie Shepherd reveals that Greggs will be the new shirt sponsors from the beginning of the 2007-8 season.


Lee Clark made Honorary Director of Greggs. “It’s important to have a through-and-through Geordie boy as ambassador between our Geordie football club and Geordie bakery.


Despite the transfer window being over until the summer, the rumour mill continues to grind as Newcastle are linked with a summer move for striker Dirk Kuyt. “We’ve heard one or two positive things about the lad. Myself and Kevin Bond will fly over on Sunday to watch him in Rotterdam.


Kieron Dyer back to full-fitness.


Newcastle win 2 of the 3 Premiership fixtures to move back upto 7th position in the table.


Kuyt on the scoresheet and impresses. “We like what we saw. We’ll not be rushing into things though. We’ll come back again and have a look in the next few weeks…but this doesn’t necessarily mean we’ll be making a bid for him or that he’ll be a Newcastle United player”, Roeder tells the Evening Chronicle.



Despite having a fantastic season in the middle of the park with Newcastle, including a Man of the Match performance in Newcastle’s 2-1 win against Middlesbrough, Scott Parker is once again left out of Steve McClaren’s England squad, despite injuries to King, Hargreaves & Cattermole. Ray Parlour is given a shock recall to the squad.


Fernando Torres pleads for Newcastle to end his Barcelona hell, as he’s unhappy with the Catalan giants despite being on a higher wage.


Michael Owen returns to light training, “This is an important time for me in my England career. Hopefully I can get in a few practice games for Liverpool, I mean umm, Newcastle, before the two European Championship qualifying matches in May”.


Two wins and a draw sees Newcastle stay in contention for a UEFA Cup spot, staying in 6th spot, although once again, this season will remain a trophyless one as Newcastle lose in the last 16 of the UEFA Cup.




Roeder dismisses Torres’ “come and get me” plea, saying he was quite happy with the form of Michael Chopra, despite him scoring only once since his £4m move from Cardiff.


Michael Owen announces that he will retire from club football at the end of the season in order to concentrate on international football, stating that it will add at least 2 more major tournaments to his career.


Michael Owen and Kieron Dyer both make their returns to the first-team as Newcastle win all 4 league games, including shock victories over Arsenal & Chelsea.


Dyer out for the rest of the year after tripping down the steps leading down from the pitch to the dressing rooms after the victory at Reading.




Newcastle finish the season on a high, winning their remaining two fixtures against Blackburn & Watford, to finish a respectable 6th place in the table, meaning UEFA Cup football the following season.


After the shock retirement from club football of Michael Owen, Dirk Kuyt of Feyenoord is linked in the national press. "We've heard good things of the lad so he obviously must have something. Myself and Kevin Bond...."


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Last season's was lost when this board went down...luckily, I posted it on Toontastic.




I remember it, this one actually looks funnier, that might be down to knowing what actually happened now though, they're both excellent.


I think I'll print it out for the lads at work, most are not Newcastle supporters but they'll enjoy it


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Guest killers_perm

Brilliant mate, a clear & clever insight into the runnings & leadership of our beloved club


(And forget anyone who feels they can grumble or snipe a your prose - jealousy is a sad & lonely road)

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