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1 Guy, 1 Cup


Mr. Snrub
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jesus chris

 

So the way it happened was this: one morning Chris woke up and he

was Jesus.

 

He still had Chris' mind, but he was in the body of our Lord and

Savior, Jesus Christ.  He looked a lot like Chris, except for the

long hair, the white robe and the flip-flops.

 

"Dude, you got hair extensions?  It's so not you," Justin said when

he saw him.

 

Chris rapped him across the knuckles with the remote control.

"Touch not the body of thy Savior."

 

"Um, Chris?"

 

"Jesus Chris."

 

"Yeah, I'll go with that.  Jesus, Chris, what's up with you?"

 

"Son of God here, duh."

 

Justin did the only thing he possibly could -- called Lance on the

other bus, and asked him to come over.

 

****

 

"So, what you're saying is that Chris..." Lance began.

 

"No, not Chris," the freak formerly known as Chris interrupted.

"You will call me Jesus Chris.  Or I will smite thee!"

 

Lance frowned, and grabbed.

 

Chris yelped.  "Ow, ow!  Not the ear, Lance!  Okay, I won't smite

anyone.  Can I give them boils?"

 

"No.  You can't give them boils.  Chris, you are not Jesus."

 

"Am too.  I can do miracles."

 

"Like what?"

 

"I can walk on water.  I did that on Saturday.  You were there."

 

"You were wearing waterskis."

 

"Well, I didn't want to freak anyone out, y'know?  But I could have

if I wanted to.  Besides, I didn't know I was Jesus yet, then.  I

was him but, y'know, unrevealed and shit."

 

"Chris..."

 

"Jesus Chris."

 

"Is this going to interfere with our shows?"

 

"Can I wear my robe?"

 

"No.  You still have to wear the costumes."

 

Chris stared at him for a long moment, then announced firmly,

"You're the Anti-Chris."

 

"I am not the Anti-Christ."

 

"Anti-Chris."

 

Sensing trouble, Joey intervened.  "Lance, Chris didn't mean..."

 

Lance grinned.  "Wade is.  Clearly."

 

Chris nodded wisely.  "You have seen the light, my son."

 

****

 

The change ended up not affecting their shows, because Chris mostly

kept the insanity between the five of them.  Which pleased Lance

who had harbored visions of Chris using their concerts as a venue

for announcing his Second Coming, but not so much Justin and JC who

had to share a bus with him.

 

Justin caught most of the fall-out, but JC felt the change too.

 

JC was snuggled into his bunk with his laptop.  Justin and Chris

both knew what he was doing, of course, but being in your bunk with

the curtain drawn was the universally acknowledged signal that

meant, 'Leave me alone, I'm having sex now', and they'd all

respected that from the beginning.  Except for, well... all right,

so they'd never respected it very well, but they knew perfectly

well that him in his bunk with his laptop meant that he was going

to be having cybersex.

 

It was probably for the best that he only had his pants open when

Chris flung the curtain open, shook his head and said, "You

disappoint me, my son."

 

Chris left before JC could ask him if he was disappointed that he

was doing sex things, that he wasn't not doing them with a real

person, or because Chris wanted to be his new daddy.

 

JC closed the curtain, and stared thoughtfully at the computer

screen.

 

****

 

Things got better and worse when the tour was over.  Better because

they saw less of Chris overall.  Worse because he seemed to be even

nuttier.

 

Like when the guys were over at his house, and he picked up the

empty carton of orange juice that Joey had just finished and set

back down on the table.  "Joey!  You Judas!"

 

"C'mon, Chris, this is getting old.  If you'd just shave, you

wouldn't even look that much like--"

 

"What?  Your Lord and Savior?  Don't you blaspheme now."

 

Lance sighed heavily.  "Joey, don't encourage him.  Chris, shut up.

You're Jesus Chris, get a glass of water and change it into orange

juice."

 

"*I'm* encouraging him?" Joey asked.

 

Chris pouted.  "I can do it.  I just don't want to do it right

now."

 

"Really?"  Lance raised his eyebrows.  "If you can't do miracles...

well, how do we know you didn't just switch bodies with some

homeless guy?"

 

"I can so do miracles.  Just not around the Anti-Chris, because

you're making them not work."

 

Lance rolled his eyes.  "Right."

 

Justin ignored all of them, grunting into his cereal.

 

****

 

"If you can't playing the fucking game, then give me the ball,

'cause you're going *down*."

 

Chris dropped the ball and thumped Justin on the forehead.  "Out,

demons!  Out!"

 

"Ow, Chris, that really hurt!"

 

Chris grinned.  "I shall heal you, my son."

 

Joey caught up with the ball, and picked it up in time to see Chris

grab Justin, pull his head down and smack his lips against his

forehead.

 

"Getcher lips off me!"

 

Joey threw the ball at Chris.  "Hey, can you cast out the demons of

Ebonics, too?"

 

****

 

Chris was always on them about their sex lives.  After he caught

Lance masturbating, Lance gathered Joey and Justin together for a

quick conference, leaving JC to distract the madman.

 

"He said, 'Oh, Lance.  Put the serpent away, all right?'"

 

Justin snickered.  "Chris is talking so much about Lance's snake,

I think he wants it."

 

"He can't have it.  He's not getting a bite out of my apple

either."

 

"But it's such a nice apple."

 

"Shut up, Joey.  If he was the Son of God, he wouldn't give a good

goddamn about my ass."

 

"It's a nice ass, too."

 

"Shut up."

 

"So, wait," Justin said, "If he's Jesus Chris, does he... um,

y'know, fuck?  'Cause he's always on our cases about it.  Is he

being hypocritical about it, or is he all abstinent and shit?"

 

Lance looked at Joey, who shrugged.  "I don't know."

 

"You'd know best, Justin.  You see him the most."

 

Justin shook his head.  "Not a clue."

 

"Y'know," Joey said slowly.  "He sure does glow a lot, though, for

someone who's not getting laid."

 

"Yeah."

 

"He kinda does, doesn't he?  Fucker."

 

****

 

JC had his head on Chris' thigh.  "Let him kiss me with the kisses

of his mouth," he murmured dreamily.  "For thy love is better than

wine."

 

"Red, red wine," Chris sang, "you make me feel so fine.  Keep me

rocking, all of the time."

 

"*Chris*!  That's not how it *goes*!" JC giggled.

 

Chris stroked JC's stomach.  "C, I've been thinking.  I mean, I

know I'm not me anymore.  I definitely woke up different, but I

think maybe I was wrong about what I changed into.  Maybe I'm not

the son of God."

 

JC arched into his touch and looked up at Chris attentively.

 

"I'm not Jesus Chris, but I've got superpowers, so maybe I'm like

Spiderman or something."  He looked at himself.  "Spiderman with

long flowing hair and a beard and Birkenstocks, so not the Peter

Parker Spiderman, but..."

 

"Spiderchrist," JC said solemnly.  "Wrapping you in the web of

God's love."

 

 

-the end-

 

 

http://www.europa.com/~mercutio/stories/JesusChris.html

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http://www.efukt.com/2339_1_Guy_1_Cup.html

 

;D ;D ;D

 

How on earth would you ever explain that one to paramedics..

 

No shit eating involved, but still very NOT SAFE FOR WORK.  And don't watch if you're erm.. squeamish.

 

14 seconds!

 

FUCK MAN MESSIAH! WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT SHIT MAN!

 

:weep:

 

Don't worry someone linked it to me.  I don't seek this kind of shit out of personal enjoyment.

 

Oh, and you gotta watch past 14 seconds to get to the good part!!

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Guest lankybellwipe

http://www.efukt.com/2339_1_Guy_1_Cup.html

 

;D ;D ;D

 

How on earth would you ever explain that one to paramedics..

 

No shit eating involved, but still very NOT SAFE FOR WORK.  And don't watch if you're erm.. squeamish.

 

14 seconds!

 

FUCK MAN MESSIAH! WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT SHIT MAN!

 

:weep:

 

Don't worry someone linked it to me.  I don't seek this kind of shit out of personal enjoyment.

 

Oh, and you gotta watch past 14 seconds to get to the good part!!

 

He can shove the 'good part' up his arse man! He seems to enjoy it!

 

Disgusting...........  Absolutely disgusting!

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Someone explain what happens please, fuck off if you think I'm clickin on anything with a name like that :lol:

 

It's like the end scene of the South Park episode 'Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset', when Mr Slave 'swallows' Paris Hilton. Only this guy does it with a cup. That shatters.

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Guest lankybellwipe

Thats fucking horrid. HORRID HORRID HORRID HORRID HORRID I TELLS YA!

 

 

fyp, just to bring to the fore, the stark magnitude, of the horror, I was subjected to - By Messi-ah - the bastard!

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I'm not watching that.

 

As for anyone who has: Turn ye to the Lord, for He alone shall bring your Salvation! :jesuswept:

aye....crown of thorns ? nails all over ?......he didn't put up much of a fight either. SMer if ever there was.
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Someone explain what happens please, f*** off if you think I'm clickin on anything with a name like that :lol:

 

It's like the end scene of the South Park episode 'Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset', when Mr Slave 'swallows' Paris Hilton. Only this guy does it with a cup. That shatters.

:kasper:

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What always surprises me about this type of 'why the fuck is he doing that' videos is that they don't even have a hard-on. So you're doing it for sexual kicks yet it doesn't even get your pecker up.

 

Riiiiiiiiight.

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What always surprises me about this type of 'why the f*** is he doing that' videos is that they don't even have a hard-on. So you're doing it for sexual kicks yet it doesn't even get your pecker up.

 

Riiiiiiiiight.

that post is more disturbing than the clip
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