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An octopus walks into a bar and says: "I haven't got any money, what with being an octopus, but I'll bet anyone here a drink that I can play any instrument they can get, and not only that, but I'll play it better than they've ever heard it played before."


An Englishman sat at the bar says: "Ok then, I've got a guitar here, if you can play that better than I've heard before, I'll happily buy you a pint."


So the octopus takes the guitar off him and plays it better than Jimi Hendrix.


The Englishman says: "That was amazing!! Much better than anyone I've ever heard." and buys him a pint.


Next, an Irishman sat at a table in the corner says: "I've got me flute here, if you can play that, I'll gladly buy you a pint of the black-stuff."


The octopus takes the flute from him and plays the most beautiful tune anyone in the bar has ever heard.


"That was fantastic" says the Irishman, and buys the octopus a pint of Guinness.


This goes on all afternoon, with everyone in the bar giving the octopus all kinds of instruments and the octopus playing them fantastically well. Then in the evening a Scotsman walks into the bar and the barman says to him: "Angus mate, you've got to see this, have you got your bagpipes with you?"


Angus says: "Aye, you know I always carry mah pipes with me, why'd ya ask?"


The barman says: "Well you see that octopus slumped in the corner? Go and give him your bagpipes and in exchange for a drink, he'll play them better than you've ever heard them played in your whole life."


"Oh, will he?" says the Scotsman and walks over to the octopus. He gives him a nudge and the octopus slowly opens his eyes, "Whaaa d'yooou wannn?" says the Octopus. "Well, I've heard you've got a bit of a talent." says the Scotsman, putting a whisky down on the table in front of the octopus, and holding up his bagpipes.


The octopus dives across the table, knocking the whisky onto the floor, and grabs the bagpipes from the Scotsman. He starts frantically fumbling with the instrument, sucking on the end of the pipes and squeezing the bag, like a madman. Everyone in the bar now has their hands over their ears trying to block out the awful sound that the octopus is making.


"Whoa, whoa there!!" says the Scotsman, "What are you doing!?! That's not how you play the pipes!!"


"Play them?" says the octopus....


















...."If I can only get her pyjamas off, I'm going to shag her!!"




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I asked a gym instructor if he could teach me how to do the splits.  He asked "How flexible are you?"  I said "I can't make tuesdays!"


I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov the other day, thing is there was a check tablecloth, took him 2 hours to pass me the salt!


Now, where is my coat..

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