GM Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 WANKING KILLS MEN who spent their 20s and 30s in an endless cavalcade of frenzied masturbation will die because of it, according to a new study. http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/images/stories/wancalc1.jpg '14,300? That cannot be right' Researchers have confirmed that years of determined self-abuse will leave you with a malignant prostate the size of a clenched fist, leading to an embarrassing death and a legacy of unutterable shame. The Institute for Studies asked 800 men how often they had sex or masturbated between the age of 20 and 40. They then divided the first figure by ten and multiplied the latter by 100 before asking them to bend over and separate their buttock flaps. After inspection, those who claimed they masturbated 40 times a month were stared at silently by a female researcher sucking a pen until they mumbled 'eighty', and finally 'okay, at least 120'. Professor Henry Brubaker, said: "There will be millions of worried men out there tonight desperately counting up all the wanks they've ever had. "Ladies, if your husband or boyfriend is frantically punching numbers into a calculator and rubbing his brow, then make him a cup of tea and some cheese on toast. He's probably in for some rather bad news." Tom Logan, an estate agent from Croydon, said: "I know I had sex maybe 18 or 19 times, but the wanking? Christ knows. Remember, this was all pre X-box. There was, quite literally, nothing else to do." The Vatican last night welcomed the findings but admitted it posed a huge dilemma for organised religion. A spokesman said: "Naturally we're delighted our warnings have been vindicated. However, it does also suggest that there is no god, or if there is, then he's probably a woman." Source Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest lankybellwipe Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Oh fuck off with this shit for fucks sake! The next time I see a 'researcher' in town, I'm gonna take that clip board, and batter that fucker unconcious with it. This'll be the next warning: "Research Says stay in bed all day and do nothing, or you wil get cancer of some description!" Bollocks, ignore the twats! I aim to eat red meat, live under a pylon, and sellotape my mobile to my ear and have the speaking clock on 24-7! YOU ARSEHOLES! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
GG Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 I've just roughly calculated my lifetime figure. 2000ish. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Heneage Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Jokes on you, I don't wear glasses. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cp40 Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Jokes on you, I don't wear glasses. i note , your not denying the frantic wanking tho. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 He posted that like it was actual news. You can't fool me, man. Pheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robster Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Who the hell comes up with these "study" ideas ? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
GM Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 He posted that like it was actual news. You can't fool me, man. Pheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
James Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 It is Daily Mash, but it is satirising an actual study Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newcastle Fan Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 So when my country banned porn they did it out of fear for our lives. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
GM Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 So when my country banned porn they did it out of fear for our lives. No, they did it because they're all a bunch of bigoted, two-faced despotic twats. You should have a revolution and shoot the fuckers to pieces. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Stephen927 Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Ooo I love it when GM is in this kinda mood! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
GM Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Ooo I love it when GM is in this kinda mood! Why? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Heneage Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Ooo I love it when GM is in this kinda mood! Why? Have a wank. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
GM Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Ooo I love it when GM is in this kinda mood! Why? Have a wank. Good advice. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
indi Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Thought this was going to be about Watergate, now that would be an epic bump! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mowen Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Thought this was going to be about Watergate, now that would be an epic bump! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newcastle Fan Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 Thought this was going to be about Watergate, now that would be an epic bump! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gash Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 Wonder if this is why Dr Spectrum disapeared? I still think about him :-[ Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
La Parka Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 He was a good poster. Bet he is loving it at city now! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tooj Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 Thought this was going to be about Watergate, now that would be an epic bump! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaizero Posted November 13, 2010 Share Posted November 13, 2010 He posted that like it was actual news. You can't fool me, man. Pheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew! Cool. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guinness_fiend Posted November 13, 2010 Share Posted November 13, 2010 Oh f*** off with this s*** for f***s sake! The next time I see a 'researcher' in town, I'm gonna take that clip board, and batter that f***er unconcious with it. This'll be the next warning: "Research Says stay in bed all day and do nothing, or you wil get cancer of some description!" Bollocks, ignore the twats! I aim to eat red meat, live under a pylon, and sellotape my mobile to my ear and have the speaking clock on 24-7! YOU ARSEHOLES! You do know that the story is from The Daily Mash, right? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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