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Christmas bloody braggarts


Keefaz
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Anyone else get Xmas cards from family and friends which are just a list of AMAZING accomplishments or a detailed description of how WONDERFUL their lives are and how everything is basically going MUCH BETTER for them than it is for you?

 

Received an absolute classic in the post this morning which had everything: perfect new job and girlfriend, passing mention of charity work (BUT WE DON'T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT IT), purchase of a new power boat, teaching snowboarding in Canada and probably staying for the Winter Olympics, 'keeping busy in our HUGE garden'.

 

I'm thinking about writing a reply on a torn-off bit of cardboard:

 

 

Dear Margaret,

 

Took this bit of cardboard from Alfie's bed in the underpass: he won't need it now as he froze to death last night. He shouldn't have drank that last bottle of aftershave... I told him. Still, I have some nice new (nearly new) shoes for Xmas. I would've taken his coat, too, but some smackhead got there before me. Kids, eh?! I chased a man down the street until he bought me a stamp: that's the real magic of Christmas right there.

 

First, sad news: Freddy, our Pitbull-Dachshund mongrel, died last week after breaking the bit of string we use as a leash and running into the road. We're all grateful it was a ten-tonner what did him in, as it must've been over with quick. I'm sure he's eating discarded kebabs in heaven now.

 

I found myself a new job, bellowing insults at people in bus shelters until they give me some money to leave them alone. I'm a natural, and I think there's scope for promotion: watch this space! Julie's minge cleared up a few weeks back, so she's bringing in a bit extra cash now and we've made ourselves quite comfortable under the railway bridge. The neighbours are a bit noisy, and one of them kicked me in the face while I was sleeping... but it's the same everywhere, right?

 

Well, Margo, must go. Hope the kids don't break their legs or necks while skiing this winter. And tell Jack he can stick his power-boat up his bollocks! Just a joke, Margo. Just joking.

 

Merry Christmas,

 

Your dad.

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Envy is one of the seven deadly commandments you know.

 

It's not envy, you arse. If some rich cunt banker walked up to me in the City and started waving fifties in my face, I wouldn't be envious, I'd want to kick his head off.

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Envy is one of the seven deadly commandments you know.

 

It's not envy, you arse. If some rich cunt banker walked up to me in the City and started waving fifties in my face, I wouldn't be envious, I'd want to kick his head off.

 

Well aye, if some random banker sent you a Christmas card telling you how amazing their life was, it'd be a little odd to say the least. However, I'm assuming this person was just an out-of-touch family friend who wanted to let you know how things were going. For shame Mr McBeefaz, for you do not know the spirit of Christmas.

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Guest Alan Shearer 9

tbh Keef I haven't had time to read my many Christmas cards yet as I've been in Somalia catching pirates and helping orphans with Unicef. This was after I completed 24 marathons in a week to raise money for retards, or special people as we like to call them (preferred term amongst charity guys). This should set me up nicely for my new job as executive of RBS coming in the new year where I'm set for a £300 billion pension scheme after a failed tenure ending in insurmountable debts for the entire nation.

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Envy is one of the seven deadly commandments you know.

 

It's not envy, you arse. If some rich cunt banker walked up to me in the City and started waving fifties in my face, I wouldn't be envious, I'd want to kick his head off.

 

Well aye, if some random banker sent you a Christmas card telling you how amazing their life was, it'd be a little odd to say the least. However, I'm assuming this person was just an out-of-touch family friend who wanted to let you know how things were going. For shame Mr McBeefaz, for you do not know the spirit of Christmas.

 

It's the same principle, man! I barely know these people, even though they're family. They're just desperate to let the world know how fucking fantastic their lives are. I don't know why. Seems a bit, I dunno, competitive or something.

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tbh Keef I haven't had time to read my many Christmas cards yet as I've been in Somalia catching pirates and helping orphans with Unicef. This was after I completed 24 marathons in a week to raise money for retards, or special people as we like to call them (preferred term amongst charity guys). This should set me up nicely for my new job as executive of RBS coming in the new year where I'm set for a £300 billion pension scheme after a failed tenure ending in insurmountable debts for the entire nation.

 

:lol:

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i have cousins who are insufferable about this.  it seems to be all the rage with upper middleclass americans.   :tickedoff:

 

The fucking "THESE ARE MY KIDS!" Christmas cards.

 

God I just got angry thinking about it.

 

These are the cunts that think "How are you?" is actually a fucking question. Scum of the Earth.

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Why do Americans enclose a photo of their kids in Xmas cards? It's weird.

 

Because they're fucking assholes. It's not just a picture, it's an update on everything these snot nosed medicated little pissants is doing.

 

:lol: cp40, it's a bit of a pet hate, I suppose.

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I can't stand them.

 

Having said that I'd love to tell you about my mansion in the suburbs, my trophy girlfriend and my recent trip around the world but Geoff the butler has got the rolls parked outside so I'll have to hurry before any of the pesky working class folk walking past try to make conversation with him.

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*scraps plans for my review of 2009 thread.

 

"2009 was another splendid year for all the ChezGiven clan. After seeing young Jamie off to Eton to join his three brothers, mum and dad finally caught up with their great mutual friend, Pope Benedict XVI, when he paid them a visit in late January. We had a splendid time, and his grace was kind enough to compliment Diane on her latest blast of inspired interior decoration: a one-third scale reproduction of the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Not bad for three weeks' work, Di!"

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*scraps plans for my review of 2009 thread.

 

"2009 was another splendid year for all the ChezGiven clan. After seeing young Jamie off to Eton to join his three brothers, mum and dad finally caught up with their great mutual friend, Pope Benedict XVI, when he paid them a visit in late January. We had a splendid time, and his grace was kind enough to compliment Diane on her latest blast of inspired interior decoration: a one-third scale reproduction of the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Not bad for three weeks' work, Di!"

 

You could write this stuff for a living Keefaz, seriously. Although maybe your potential customers don't have any problem articulating their smugness all by themselves and that's the whole point.

 

(I don't mean ChezGiven btw, I was talking about the general concept. :lol: )

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Guest Heneage

See I've pissed off most of the card writing members of our family with my arrogant obnoxious know all attitude, ergo I don't get cards about 'How our Carly is gunna be the first in the famalee to compleet a beautee course at Nuwcasel colladge, and wah so proud.

 

Plus my Mum was all like 'Yeah my boys at ITV biatchez.'

 

Maybe I'm the smug cunt in my family....

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