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Trafalgar Retold


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Got this via email today, quality.






Nelson: Order the signal Hardy.


Hardy: Aye, aye sir.


Nelson: Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?


Hardy: Sorry sir?


Nelson: (reading aloud) What gobbledygook is this? "England expects every person to do his/her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability"


Hardy: Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devils own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.


Nelson: Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.


Hardy: Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.


Nelson: In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.


Hardy: The rum ration has been abolished. Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.


Nelson: Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead.


Hardy: I think you will find that there is a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.


Nelson: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crows nest, please.


Hardy: That won't be possible, sir


Nelson: What?


Hardy: Health and safety have closed the crows nest, sir. No handrail, and they said the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected.


Nelson: Then get me the ships carpenter without delay, Hardy


Hardy: He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral.


Nelson: Wheelchair access? I never heard of anything so absurd.


Hardy: Health and safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier free environment for the differently abled.


Nelson: Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.


Hardy: Actually you did sir. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.


Nelson: Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.


Hardy: A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?


Nelson: I've never heard of such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.


Hardy: The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.


Nelson: What? This is mutiny.


Hardy: It's not that sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone there's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks


Nelson: Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?


Hardy: Actually sir, we're not.


Nelson: We're not?


Hardy: No sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.


Nelson: But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil?


Hardy: I wouldn't let the ships diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary.


Nelson: You must consider every man and enemy who speaks ill of your King.


Hardy: Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules.


Nelson: Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?


Hardy: As I explained sir. Rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment.


Nelson: What about Sodomy?


Hardy: I believe its still allowed, sir.


Nelson: In that case - kiss me Hardy!

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