Jump to content

Drunken tales


Aphrodite
 Share

Recommended Posts

Guest Gemmill

I got the second last bus home once and was found collapsed, unconscious in the gutter about five paces from the stop that I had got off at (I obviously just about managed to step off the bus before hitting the deck) by my mate who got the last bus.  He had to wake me up and walk me home.  I don't remember any of this.

 

Not particularly funny like, but true nevertheless.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest bobbyshinton

At cardiff, semi v manure.

 

I crawled along the path to the digs, was found in the doorway of the digs asleep by some Blackburn fans, let in.  Found by the landlady next day asleep on the inside landing.

 

I have so many drunken tales, second to telling cracking jokes, getting drunk is what I do best.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Done many stupid things in my time but i think my worst was at an ex girlfriends work christmas part in 1999.

 

I didn't really wanna go but was more or less forced into it, so the cure my bordom I got totally wasted, got off with one of the christmas temps, went behind a curtain to look out of the window and couldn't find my way out without help, chinned the bus driver because I was freezing cold, felt sick and he wouldn't let me on the coach, when i did eventually get on the coach I was sick in my girlfriends handbag, got off 4 miles from home and finally woke up the next morning, on the couch, oblivous to what carnage I'd caused, covered in blood and sick that I'd thrown up whilst asleep.

 

To make matters worse my ex is the manager of the shop so needless to say it caused a great deal of embaresment for her.

Link to post
Share on other sites

At cardiff, semi v manure.

 

I crawled along the path to the digs, was found in the doorway of the digs asleep by some Blackburn fans, let in.  Found by the landlady next day asleep on the inside landing.

 

I have so many drunken tales, second to telling cracking jokes, getting drunk is what I do best.

 

You have competion on the joke front Bobby!

 

Eg :

 

What do you get if you have a green ball in one hand and a green ball in the other?

 

Kermit the frog begging for mercy!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest Howaythetoon

I once shat, puked and pissed the bed while drunk.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm never drinking Iron Bru again. Orange shit? ;)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest bobbyshinton

At cardiff, semi v manure.

 

I crawled along the path to the digs, was found in the doorway of the digs asleep by some Blackburn fans, let in.  Found by the landlady next day asleep on the inside landing.

 

I have so many drunken tales, second to telling cracking jokes, getting drunk is what I do best.

 

You have competion on the joke front Bobby!

 

Eg :

 

What do you get if you have a green ball in one hand and a green ball in the other?

 

Kermit the frog begging for mercy!

 

I don't feel threatened or in competition, I feel like I have a like minded soul, on the path of spreading happiness and joy.

 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I gave 10 quid to a tramp once when walking across the swing bridge

 

I walked into two lamposts walking home...needing hospital treatment for concussion  bluebigrazz.gif

 

Tried to open my front door using a chip for a key.

 

threw up on wor lasses mams new sofa...then scappered in the morning and blamed the dog  bluelaugh.gif that was a classic...she found out eventually tho  blueconfused.gif

 

 

god knows what else...and god knows what else will happen. As I keep telling my liver....you're only 21 years old  :tongue3:

Link to post
Share on other sites

A lad I knew used to piss everywhere, in cupboards etc.

 

Once he got very drunk and pissed allover his mam and dad's bed................ while they were asleep in it!

 

His mam woke up during the ordeal and said in a calm and well spoken voice "Matthew, what are you doing!?!?!"

 

His reply...... "I'm having a fucking piss, what's it look like!?!?!"

 

He then collapsed in a heap on the floor, with his little man still hanging out!  bluelaugh.gif

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest bobbyshinton

A lad I knew used to piss everywhere, in cupboards etc.

 

Once he got very drunk and pissed allover his mam and dad's bed................ while they were asleep in it!

 

His mam woke up during the ordeal and said in a calm and well spoken voice "Matthew, what are you doing!?!?!"

 

His reply...... "I'm having a fucking piss, what's it look like!?!?!"

 

He then collapsed in a heap on the floor, with his little man still hanging out!  bluelaugh.gif

 

 

I've a feeling he is not the only one who has done that  bluewink.gif

 

have you read your pm?

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

A lad I knew used to piss everywhere, in cupboards etc.

 

Once he got very drunk and pissed allover his mam and dad's bed................ while they were asleep in it!

 

His mam woke up during the ordeal and said in a calm and well spoken voice "Matthew, what are you doing!?!?!"

 

His reply...... "I'm having a fucking piss, what's it look like!?!?!"

 

He then collapsed in a heap on the floor, with his little man still hanging out!  bluelaugh.gif

 

 

 

I've a feeling he is not the only one who has done that  bluewink.gif

 

have you read your pm?

 

 

bluebiggrin.gif bluelaugh.gif

Link to post
Share on other sites

A lad I knew used to piss everywhere, in cupboards etc.

 

Once he got very drunk and pissed allover his mam and dad's bed................ while they were asleep in it!

 

His mam woke up during the ordeal and said in a calm and well spoken voice "Matthew, what are you doing!?!?!"

 

His reply...... "I'm having a ****ing piss, what's it look like!?!?!"

 

He then collapsed in a heap on the floor, with his little man still hanging out!  bluelaugh.gif

 

:rofl: Brilliant!! Can`t possibly top that, so I won`t try!

 

 

Though, that said...

 

When I was 16, i had my first taste of booze at a friends 16th birthday party. Martini Rose mixed with cider. poo.gif Not recommended. Her parents had moved into a lovely  house in Beamish.

 

So for starters, I copped off with her boyfriend  :oops:, then spewed up over the food her mam had prepared  :icon_puke_r:. Finally, feeling a little worse for wear, I had a lie down in her mams bed, and promptly chucked up in her slippers. WELL, IT WAS BETTER THAN HER BED.

 

We are no longer friends. Wonder why?? bluebigrazz.gif

 

Oh, I had a friend at uni`, who whilst monged, "on the job", leaned over the side of the bed, chucked up, and carried on. laugh.gif

Link to post
Share on other sites

I was once at a friends house with a group of about 6 or 7 of my friends. We were all drinking heavily and smoking grass so we were all pretty out of it.

 

Anyway, my friends father arrived back. Not a problem since he's been known to smoke himself and is pretty relaxed generally.

 

Eventually myself and two of my other friends had a massive drunken conversation with the father, smoking away the whole time. Went on for about an hour, we were the last ones awake.

 

We eventually decided to go, so we woke one of the guys up who was asleep on the couch. Told him to get ready and we'll get a taxi. As the father was getting up to walk through the living room, the friend who had been asleep stood up and started pissing on the couch. Luckily a couple of the lads saw him and dragged him to the bathroom before the father could see.

 

Unfortunately, once in the bathroom he just started pissing randomly on the walls again. Myself and another friend then went to start cleaning up the bathroom while another guy was trying to sneak a roll of toilet paper past the father and in to the couch.

 

The guy who was cleaning the bathroom with me then got a fit of the giggles and collapsed in the hallway. I then managed to drop the toilet roll in the toilet, pretty much drenching it.

 

I pulled the roll out and ran to the back door. The father walked out of the kitchen and saw me, though I managed to hide the toilet paper.

 

The father turned to ask one of the guys what was going on and I legged out the back, into the garden and threw the paper over the back wall. I turned and ran back to the house. I decided to take a short cut by hopping onto a wall and over it, rather than going around it.

 

Unfortunately it wasn't a wall, it was a bush.

 

I got tangled in the bush and fell on the convcrete, my hands got badly cut and started bleeding. I walked in the back door to see the father staring at one of the lads who had a big wad of damp toilet paper coming from the living room. He then turns to see me, who had been fine about 30 seconds ago, with blood all over my hands. To top it off there's a guy on the ground in convulsions laughing.

 

I've never seen a man so confused looking.

Link to post
Share on other sites

  • 2 years later...

I stood in a tub of cement walking home last night. What a stupid thing to do , was knee deep in the stuff . I was by myself and have no  idea why i did it . I think, i thought it was going to be semi hard so i could leave my imprint on it like a school kid  :coolsmiley:

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guest lankybellwipe

Mates wedding about 4 years ago.

 

Everythin went smoothly until function - as normal.

 

Anyhoo, by 9 o clock, I was hammer an tongs!  Dancin everyone was, while I sat in a chair with my tongue hanging out. Eventually i got up, and went straight back down, onto the dancefloor.

 

I had to be helped up by 4 of the lads, and because my hotel was a mile away, they had to dump me somewhere close by.  Where better than the head bridesmaids' suite?

I forget where SHE spent the night? but she was more then impressed by how I got the job done.

 

The boys even stole my shoes so I couldn't do a runner. dunno how that prevented the run like?

Link to post
Share on other sites

School story from many years ago:

 

I used to live in Durham, Newton Hall to be precise and my mate lived in Brasside, about a mile away or something.

 

We were drinking something like sparkling wine (when you are a school kid you drink whatever you can get your hands on) and my mate got legless drunk and so we carried / dragged him home, popped him on the doorstep, knocked on the door and like good friends we ran away.

 

Anyway, it was December and very, very cold.  How were we to know his folks wouldn't hear us knock and leave him sleeping on the doorstep in the snow all night?  He had to go to hospital with extreme hyperthermia and exposure or something like that.

 

Oh, how we laughed.

 

I once saw someone drink an entire bottle of advocat and then vomit, it looked like someone had left an omelete on the floor!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

:Jonny2J:

Paddys Day 2000. I was 17 and was due to go round to a mate's house for a party before heading on into town. My folks were away, I decided to have a few cheeky drinks at home before heading round to my mates. In a spirit of reckless encouragement, my brother's wife handed me a bottle of ouzo and told me to knock myself out. Little did I know just how nasty ouzo is, and, that a normal person does not pour it into a pint glass and throw it back. But, youthful exuberance took over an within about 30 minutes, the ouzo was gone and I was decidedly merry, but still compos mentis, had a few beers and headed off. Landed at my mates house at about 7 o'clock and the party was just getting started. I think I had one bottle of beer and in about 15 minutes, had collapsed in the front garden, unconscious. One of my mates had to argue for ages with a taxi driver to even let me into his cab, nevermind take me home, and he would only take me if one of my mates came as well. It turns out he had good reason to be cautious. Half way home, I decided I needed some air. So I wound the window down and proceeded to try and climb out. At this point, my drunkeness hit me like a fucking bus, and I threw up all over the side of the cab. Luckily I didn't fall to my death, and the driver slammed on the brakes. He had enough and told us to get the fuck out. My mate was shitting a brick, because he had no idea where he was, or where he was going, and had to make sure I didn't fuck myself up any more than I had done already. Ciaran, if by some chance you read this, I'm sorry. How I managed to get the two of us back to my gaff I'll never know. Ended up back home for about 8, feeling very, very delicate...  :puke:

Link to post
Share on other sites

Remember one time my mate was sick in the taxi, sat on it to try and cover the evidence (:lol:) then puked again over my hand which the cabby noticed, got us out and demanded we paid £250 to pay for having the cab cleaned, so we simply legged it. Good times.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Few months ago I fell on my face from a wall about 5 feet off the ground because I thought it was a short step down.  Also got into an argument over Mugabe in a Zimbabwean bar with a bunch of pro-Mugabe supporters, a topic I wouldn't really be qualified to discuss sober. 

 

Last week I came from a night out where I had total blackout after 8pm, my only clue to where I'd been and what I'd done was a pocketful of these:http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/1922125/2/istockphoto_1922125_mancala_beads_2.jpg

 

And last night nearly got my head kicked in because I was so drunk I dropped a bottle of beer all over this massive guy, luckily my friend covered for me and told him he had no idea who'd dropped in.  Also nearly drowned in a bathtub because I decided it would be a good idea to take a batch when I was hammered, and I could barely get out.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Our first night in Ibiza eight years ago was fun.  I can't remember how I got back to the apartment, one mate got battered by a taxi driver and my other mate was in a car crash.

 

I had a good night out at the union a few years back on the good old Aftershock.  Fell out a taxi and scraped half my face off on the kerb.  I woke up the next morning with the pillow stuck to my face and had to rip it off, then promptly got up and played football to much slagging.

 

I wasn't involved in this one but it's an infamous tale from the Menzieshill area of Dundee.  The local boozer in that area used to organise an annual bank holiday day out to Fife for the regulars to go and get blootered.  A few years ago the coach arrived back at the pub in the evening and when the barmaid asked how the day had gone she was greeted with the reply "One dead and two wounded".  The guy wasn't lying either.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...