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Mouth miscontrol


Keefaz
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Was at lunch with the bird the other day in a cafe inside a church. The waiter asked if I wanted Earl Grey and I shouted, "Jesus Christ, no!" Which caused a number of the other patrons of the cafe to audibly gasp or shake their heads.

 

When has your stupid mouth got you into trouble?

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Guest firetotheworks

My substitute English Teacher in High School asked for one of my orange sherberts and I immediately replied with 'Haha, f*** off, man!'

 

My mam gave me a whack after I threw my SuperTed down the stairs pretending it could fly, and the plastic nose smashed a light. She gave me a whack and I went 'Right, That's it! YA SUED!'

 

When leaving the Chinese Take-away in Backworth, I pretty much shouted 'BYE!' I still dunno why I said it.

 

Walking down Chinatown on NYE with my lass at the time, and this bloke undressed my lass with his eyes, and I went 'Aye, keep walking you f***ing c***!', probably a bit OTT.

 

Jovially calling my lass at the time 'fat arms'

 

This lass last night singing 'I might not be a lady, but I'm all woman' to which I responded. 'I've always laughed at that song, it's a pure fat lass anthem.'

 

In a staff meeting someone asked if I wanted a prawn cocktail crisp, and I said 'I'd rather w*** me granddad.'

It didn't go down well.

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My substitute English Teacher in High School asked for one of my orange sherberts and I immediately replied with 'Haha, f*** off, man!'

 

My mam gave me a whack after I threw my SuperTed down the stairs pretending it could fly, and the plastic nose smashed a light. She gave me a whack and I went 'Right, That's it! YA SUED!'

 

When leaving the Chinese Take-away in Backworth, I pretty much shouted 'BYE!' I still dunno why I said it.

 

Walking down Chinatown on NYE with my lass at the time, and this bloke undressed my lass with his eyes, and I went 'Aye, keep walking you f***ing c***!', probably a bit OTT.

 

Jovially calling my lass at the time 'fat arms'

 

This lass last night singing 'I might not be a lady, but I'm all woman' to which I responded. 'I've always laughed at that song, it's a pure fat lass anthem.'

 

In a staff meeting someone asked if I wanted a prawn cocktail crisp, and I said 'I'd rather w*** me granddad.'

It didn't go down well.

 

You're just a cheeky bastard man.

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On the metro on the way to the match I stood up and offered an old lady my seat.  She said "Oh, no it's OK, thank you."  To which I replied "No, go on" but it came out sounding really aggressive and annoyed for some reason.  So my mate laughed and joined in by snapping "Yeah, do as you're told!"  She sat down and looked terrified and got off at the next stop.

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:lol: Icarus, you are mint.

 

When I was about 13 or 14 me and my dad were waiting in the exit/entrance bit of B&Q, we'd paid for our stuff and my mam had fucked off somewhere to look at bird-feeders or something... so we're waiting in this place for ages till I say "Shall I ring and ask where she is, see if we should just go back to the car" and my dad says aye. So I ring my mam, she answers and I ask "Where are you?" and she says "Oh in the back bit of the shop looking at bird feeders for grandad... this better not be you two getting me to hurry up!" and I replied something like "Nah we're just wondering if we can head back to the car or not?"

 

But by the time I'd said "just" she'd hung up in a rage. I did that thing when you take the phone away from your ear, look at it and go "Oh my god. She hung up on me."... except I went "Eh? Oh, good one mam. Hang up when I'm telling you where we're going. (loudly) Silly fucking old wench." Cue half the store looking round at me and my dad near taking my face off.

 

Think I was grounded for 2 weeks for that one. :lol:

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Lad in the first job I worked in only had one eye. He said something about one of the lasses in the staff canteen being hot and I responded with "Eh? Is there something wrong with your eyes?"... Cue awkward silence.

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In a staff meeting someone asked if I wanted a prawn cocktail crisp, and I said 'I'd rather w*** me granddad.'

It didn't go down well.

 

:lol:

 

When I was like 11 (or whenever Pop Idol was first on), I was walking through John Lewis with my mam singing "Gareth's a twat, he can't look back" to the tune of Suspicious Minds - my mother slapped me on the hand and I went "Whaat? It isn't a swearword..." :lol:

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Guest firetotheworks

;D

 

Both class.

 

I remember my mate once went to the toilet. This is a mate who was canny well known for having a stage of self harm. And my best mate goes 'He's went for a slash' whilst doing the slit wrist motion.

 

I wanted to say that's funny, but totally shocking, but we all just guiltily pissed ourselves.

 

Once a tramp asked my dad if he had any spare change, and for absolutely no reason he shouted 'FUCKIN NO CHANCE!' at him. He still doesn't know why he did it.

 

I thought that twat and twit were the same thing up until I was 11. Cue me trying something on JD with my dad and proclaiming 'God, I look like a right twat!.' I had some bruises to explain to the neighbours after that one.

 

Both my mam and my nanna were nannies at my middle school. It was a fucking nightmare, although they were good bait for lasses coming around my house. Well they both used to ask every fucking day if I'd been in for my dinner yet 'Michael, your first sitting remember.' and all this. I always used to play football for as long as possible and then go in on 4th sitting and wolf down whatever was left. So I always used to give my mam and nanna a bit lip when they went on at me, 'Mam man, you're so embarrassing' etc. And for some reason my mam used to always go 'Are you ashamed of me like?' and I always said no. But then one day I said yes just to see what would happen. Worst decision ever. I'd never seen my mam cry so much. I felt like a total bastard, I didn't mean it, I just wanted her to leave me alone when I was with my mates.

 

Once when I was drunk I came out with '...and you can fucking shut up, how can you love me? You can't even remember my address.' When I was drunk in a taxi after me and my lass at the time had had an argument.

 

 

 

This thread is making me feel like I'm a bad person.

 

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Guest firetotheworks

In a staff meeting someone asked if I wanted a prawn cocktail crisp, and I said 'I'd rather w*** me granddad.'

It didn't go down well.

 

:lol:

 

When I was like 11 (or whenever Pop Idol was first on), I was walking through John Lewis with my mam singing "Gareth's a t***, he can't look back" to the tune of Suspicious Minds - my mother slapped me on the hand and I went "Whaat? It isn't a swearword..." :lol:

 

Read my post. That's coincimental .

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I always used to play football for as long as possible and then go in on 4th sitting and wolf down whatever was left.

 

 

Was all about this. Much preferred it in high school where you could just do what the fuck you wanted for your bait i.e. eat it in the lesson before lunch and play football all lunch.

---

Teacher - shut up

Me - why don't you shut up

Teacher - get out

 

Used to be a fan of singing a bit of bad boys whenever anyone else got knacked n all, often resulting in me getting knacked more.

 

 

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Me and my aunty were having a general conversation and she said something a bit daft which i replied

"Fuck off ya daft twat"

Like i would with a mate, a bit harsh, good reaction from her though.

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My substitute English Teacher in High School asked for one of my orange sherberts and I immediately replied with 'Haha, f*** off, man!'

 

In a staff meeting someone asked if I wanted a prawn cocktail crisp, and I said 'I'd rather w*** me granddad.'

It didn't go down well.

 

:lol: Class.

 

I'm sure I do things like this quite often but the only one I can remember is serving someone in Matalan, instead of saying "next please," I shouted "NEXT ONE!!" in an extremely sinister way. Was rather awkward, felt like my inner rapist was coming out  :undecided:

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I remember I got caught bunking once, and the teacher of who's class it was chose to embarrass me in class rather than have a word with me privately. This just got to me and I started answering back, she argued back and I got to the place I like to call 'the point of no return' you sometimes get to when you're a kid. When emotions and anger totally take over, told her she was a shit teacher and if I thought i'd have a chance of doing well in a subject with her teaching I'd not have skipped it, told her to fuck off and walked out, went to the shops, got myself fish and chips and went home and watched only fools and horses on VHS. Surprised I can remember all the details tbh. :lol:

 

Got put on report because of that, meaning I couldn't skip the classes I didn't like until I was off report, remember being furious with myself for that. :laugh:

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Guest firetotheworks

 

I always used to play football for as long as possible and then go in on 4th sitting and wolf down whatever was left.

 

 

Was all about this. Much preferred it in high school where you could just do what the f*** you wanted for your bait i.e. eat it in the lesson before lunch and play football all lunch.

---

Teacher - shut up

Me - why don't you shut up

Teacher - get out

 

Used to be a fan of singing a bit of bad boys whenever anyone else got knacked n all, often resulting in me getting knacked more.

 

 

 

Hahaha, best come back ever.

 

 

When I didn't know what cumming was I said the 'Oh, I'm sorry, I've just cum.' line from The Fast Show at Christmas Dinner in front of my entire family. My mam was mortified, but everyone else pissed themselves.

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Guest firetotheworks

My substitute English Teacher in High School asked for one of my orange sherberts and I immediately replied with 'Haha, f*** off, man!'

 

In a staff meeting someone asked if I wanted a prawn cocktail crisp, and I said 'I'd rather w*** me granddad.'

It didn't go down well.

 

:lol: Class.

 

I'm sure I do things like this quite often but the only one I can remember is serving someone in Matalan, instead of saying "next please," I shouted "NEXT ONE!!" in an extremely sinister way. Was rather awkward, felt like my inner rapist was coming out  :undecided:

 

:lol: Amazing.

 

 

I like this thread.

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Not me but a mate reckons his mate asked Eric Prydz (thinking it was a dodgy looking randomer) if he had any pills at creamfields, and Prydz turns round with a stern look and goes "DO NOT ASK ERIC PRYDZ FOR PILLS, EVER", gave them more evils then walked off. :lol:

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On the metro on the way to the match I stood up and offered an old lady my seat.  She said "Oh, no it's OK, thank you."  To which I replied "No, go on" but it came out sounding really aggressive and annoyed for some reason.  So my mate laughed and joined in by snapping "Yeah, do as you're told!"  She sat down and looked terrified and got off at the next stop.

 

:lol: You pair of absolute bastards.

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KI - I've been in the same place regarding the Twat/Twit conundrum. Kids should be warned of this, it's just not fair.

 

I agree. My sister called me a twit and I replied saying something like "if I'm a twit, you're a twat!" and got a bollocking for it. :lol: I had no idea, she knew the difference though and found it absolutely hilarious.

 

I think I'm quite lucky in that any snidey comments I make about someone I'm passing in the street or whatever aren't generally heard by the person. I'd shit myself if they pulled me for anything I'd said.

 

Though I did go through a phase where I couldn't help saying "you will be" any time someone said "sorry" to me, and got a few incredibly evil looks off random people in shops etc.

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Guest firetotheworks

Haha, shit. I can't believe I forgot this one.

 

Once when I was off my tits in Digital I was sitting on the floor down the corridor bit, and this lad came over and started talking to me. So we were talking for 5 minutes or something, and I thought 'aw na! I hope he doesn't think I'm gay.' so I interrupted what he was saying and just went 'Here mate, I'm not gay.' to which he replied 'ah reet, neither am I.' and then we just carried on talking. Then later I was adamant that he was an undercover plod.

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Guest firetotheworks

When I was about 13, some policemen walked passed and I turned to my mate and went 'oink oink'...they grabbed us about a minute later and said 'the next time you do that, you'll find yourself behind bars.'

 

Typical 13 year old thing to do like. I felt like a right prick afterwards though.

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