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Experiences of depression and anxiety


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Just now, madras said:

Got to disagree a bit here like. Blood isn't thicker than water. My immediate family I'm still close to but Aunties, Uncles, Cousins etc are purely Births, Deaths, Marriages to the point where I had only my Parents and Sister of my family to my wedding daytime, the rest was "our" friends. If cousin A died tomorrow it would be "thats a shame", if one of my mates died I'd be distraught.

I should clarify, I really mean like brothers and sisters, mums and dads, but again it’s complicated with family. My nephew is my step nephew if you like, I love him, but he’s a knacker and I wouldn’t have him anywhere near my house or would want anything to do with him in general, but I hope he’s all good and if he ever knocked on my door needing help I’d be there for him even though I know there would be nothing meaningful between that between the two of us, but he’s a human being at the end of the day and my nephew, I’d  have no conscious if I ever just said fuck off, sorry, and something bad resulted from that. Again family, friends and relationships are a funny old thing. I’m quite lucky in that I have a decent family, a great other none family family on several fronts who are probably as good or better than some of my own real family and a very very good set of friends. Not bad for a cunt like me ha ha. 

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10 minutes ago, madras said:

Got to disagree a bit here like. Blood isn't thicker than water. My immediate family I'm still close to but Aunties, Uncles, Cousins etc are purely Births, Deaths, Marriages to the point where I had only my Parents and Sister of my family to my wedding daytime, the rest was "our" friends. If cousin A died tomorrow it would be "thats a shame", if one of my mates died I'd be distraught.

You saying you’d be more gutted if a friend died over a cousin say totally resonates with me like, I totally get that and agree. Sadly I don’t really have close enough cousins, my family splintered all over the place years ago and we all kind of lost touch, but have now kind of gotten back in touch, we are not close, more pally and friendly, but my best mate, well he’s like my brother and I’d be distraught if anything happened to him. I had only met his dad a few times and when he died, fucking hell,I was so saddened by that (more for his loss) yet when my dad’s brother died who I kind of only knew as a kid and loved at that time but only got to reknow a few years back, I was sad, but not distraught when he died a few years later. My own dad, when he died, I cried and felt a bit sad but didn’t even go to his funeral, I was more sad and angry about what he missed out on, us growing up, grandkids, and obviously angry that he left us and didn’t really give a shit about us. Now my step dad, if anything happened to him even though he’s only been with my mum a decade, I’d be in bits and probably wouldn’t recover emotionally. Family, friends and relationships eh, who’d have ‘em… 

 

 

Edited by HTT II

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2 minutes ago, HTT II said:

You saying you’d be more gutted if a friend died over a cousin say totally resonates with me like, I totally get that and agree. Sadly I don’t really have close enough cousins, my family splintered all over the place years ago and we all kind of lost touch, but have now kind of gotten back in touch, we are not close, more pally and friendly, but my best mate, well he’s like my brother and I’d be distraught if anything happened to him. I had only met his dad a few times and when he died, fucking hell, yet when my dad’s brother died who I kind of only knew as a kid and loved at that time but only got to reknow a few years back, I was sad, but not distraught when he dies a few years back. My own dad, when he died, I cried and felt a bit sad but didn’t even go to his funeral, I was more sad and angry about what he missed out on, us growing up, grandkids, and obviously angry that he left us and didn’t really give a shit about. Now my step dad, if anything happened to him even though he’s only been with my mum a decade, I’d be in bits and probably wouldn’t recover emotionally. Family, friends and relationships eh, who’d have ‘em… 

For me, my cousins live up here but we didn't really keep in touch because we had little in common and each had our own groups (friends).

 

I may be an outlier here as my group of friends has largely stuck together, in a couple of cases over 50yrs, in most over about 40yrs. Out of the 14 that went walking and drinking in theLakes in the Summer I'd known 10 of them for 40yrs and 1 over 50, 2 over 30 and the last one about 15yrs.

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3 minutes ago, madras said:

For me, my cousins live up here but we didn't really keep in touch because we had little in common and each had our own groups (friends).

 

I may be an outlier here as my group of friends has largely stuck together, in a couple of cases over 50yrs, in most over about 40yrs. Out of the 14 that went walking and drinking in theLakes in the Summer I'd known 10 of them for 40yrs and 1 over 50, 2 over 30 and the last one about 15yrs.

I’ve probably got more better close friends than family, it’s fucking great you have such a decent size group of close friends that you have been with for a long time btw. I hope I’m as lucky when I’m an old git… ;)

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Since my stroke I have felt very down and useless. This is not unknown to me as A Bipolar sufferer but Im particularly down at the moment, Im told this is not uncommon so I have to ride it out. Trouble is I cant help but feel that my head is a ticking time bomb. I think Ill go sooner rather than later. Its a bit of a bugger tyiping this with my left hand.

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On 03/09/2021 at 17:35, Consortium of one said:

I've cried more when pets have died compared to most people I know. 


 

This is what I worry about. I have dealt with so many dead people over the years I feel detached from it. I really worry that I won’t get upset if anything happens to my parents. 
 

I know it’s wrong that I feel that way but it’s how work has made me.  

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5 hours ago, Haz said:

Since my stroke I have felt very down and useless. This is not unknown to me as A Bipolar sufferer but Im particularly down at the moment, Im told this is not uncommon so I have to ride it out. Trouble is I cant help but feel that my head is a ticking time bomb. I think Ill go sooner rather than later. Its a bit of a bugger tyiping this with my left hand.

 

That's a lot of heavy stuff, man. Be kind to yourself. Some days I have to give up and say "survive until the end of the day" and that's without having to deal with the challenges you're dealing with. 

 

Are you still able to get out and about while you recover, without over-exerting yourself of course? A potter about to break up the day each day helps keep my head level. 

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6 hours ago, Haz said:

Since my stroke I have felt very down and useless. This is not unknown to me as A Bipolar sufferer but Im particularly down at the moment, Im told this is not uncommon so I have to ride it out. Trouble is I cant help but feel that my head is a ticking time bomb. I think Ill go sooner rather than later. Its a bit of a bugger tyiping this with my left hand.

Ah sorry to hear this Haz, thinking if you mate and wishing you recover well soon!

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I've finally been referred to my local mental health unit, no idea what is going to happen next but spent 90 minutes on the phone earlier regurgitating my life and I'll be told soon. It's quite a momentous moment as I've been refused a referral on multiple occasions, at least 10 over the span of nearly 20 years, most recently at the start of the year. 

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On 08/09/2021 at 13:13, Haz said:

Since my stroke I have felt very down and useless. This is not unknown to me as A Bipolar sufferer but Im particularly down at the moment, Im told this is not uncommon so I have to ride it out. Trouble is I cant help but feel that my head is a ticking time bomb. I think Ill go sooner rather than later. Its a bit of a bugger tyiping this with my left hand.

 

 

Hey mate. My mother was diagnosed with three unruptured brain aneurysms almost 10 years ago. She had a stroke during the first operation. She felt the same as you. Ticking time bomb. Regular scans and the right medication and I've never seen her happier and more content in her life. Things will get better. 

 

 

Edited by Rocker

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1 hour ago, Rocker said:

 

 

Hey mate. My mother was diagnosed with three unruptured aneurysms almost 10 years ago. She had a stroke during the first operation. She felt the same as you. Ticking time bomb. Regular scans and the right medication and I've never seen her happier and more content in her life. Things will get better. 

Cheers Rocker; glad to know she's enjoying life.

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20 hours ago, BlufPurdi said:

I've finally been referred to my local mental health unit, no idea what is going to happen next but spent 90 minutes on the phone earlier regurgitating my life and I'll be told soon. It's quite a momentous moment as I've been refused a referral on multiple occasions, at least 10 over the span of nearly 20 years, most recently at the start of the year. 

 

That's sounds insane, being refused that many times. Hope you don't have to wait too long. 

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1 minute ago, BlufPurdi said:

Possibly partly my fault, I would always hold back, I'd never admit feeling suicidal and stuff, would omit embarrassing things. It should've been obvious on some occasions, but I should take some of the blame too.

No point blaming yourself, thats something we all do. I was chatting to my GP yesterday and she had to squeeze it out of me. Hopefully you now will get the help you need man.  Only can get positivity out of here from here on out

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I found doing it all over the phone so much better, I always fold if I'm in the actual surgery. It's like instinctual, "I'm fine", I'd say, despite the whole point of making the appointment was because I was not fine. And I could never reel it back in, I'd never just say "you know that's bollocks, no idea why I said that". But it's done now. :) 

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2 hours ago, BlufPurdi said:

Possibly partly my fault, I would always hold back, I'd never admit feeling suicidal and stuff, would omit embarrassing things. It should've been obvious on some occasions, but I should take some of the blame too.

Don't blame yourself for trying to be honest or even reserved with them. You've come for help and that for most people is hard to accept and to do. They should know people will do this and should dig deeper instead of the basic questions off a sheet and on to the next one. But it's a sign of a system not fit for purpose, lack of understanding and education...and stigma.

 

Unfortunately if you want help you've got to turn it up to 11. I like you had the same and finally when I just let the floodgates opened they had me seeing someone in 2 weeks.

 

When I was younger I hardly left the house and was struggling massively. No help from the docs but gov wanted to test me for the little money I got as I couldn't work. They stopped my money as they said I was fit to work and this ended up in my 1st suicide attempt. Judged off the back of 10 set questions as I Sat their pouring of sweat and could hardly answer yet because I didn't state I was drinking and full of drugs every day especially to grt myself out the house (even though it was fucking obvious) what little I had was taken off me.

 

Anyway sorry, not about me this one. Just triggered me a bit there. Best of luck and I hope you get what you need and as fast as you can. Just lay it on thick. Especially remember the darkest times rather than how you feel now if you are feeling better, even if you tel them and say that was a few weeks ago rather than years as it'll be recorded as current feelings and not that you're OK and moves on.

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@Haz I talk to a lot of people who struggle to cope with who they are now and compare themselves to who they used to be. Retired teachers seem to be a common theme and a few who had accidents and suffer physically or from ptsd. I don't have any answers but it's quite common to feel how you do and there are many specific support groups out there which you may find some light in.

 

I do know however the kind thing to do for ourselves is never to judge ourselves harshly and never compare to others or our previous self. I suppose acceptance is key, but I guess you also feel pissed this has happened to you and still got some anger in there that needs working out? 

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3 hours ago, BlufPurdi said:

I found doing it all over the phone so much better, I always fold if I'm in the actual surgery. It's like instinctual, "I'm fine", I'd say, despite the whole point of making the appointment was because I was not fine. And I could never reel it back in, I'd never just say "you know that's bollocks, no idea why I said that". But it's done now. :) 

I think it depends on the doctor you speak to, i said im fine too and five minutes later i was telling her everything over the last 7 years.  But best of luck with it pal, better than sitting in silence O0

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3 hours ago, Dokko said:

@Haz I talk to a lot of people who struggle to cope with who they are now and compare themselves to who they used to be. Retired teachers seem to be a common theme and a few who had accidents and suffer physically or from ptsd. I don't have any answers but it's quite common to feel how you do and there are many specific support groups out there which you may find some light in.

 

I do know however the kind thing to do for ourselves is never to judge ourselves harshly and never compare to others or our previous self. I suppose acceptance is key, but I guess you also feel pissed this has happened to you and still got some anger in there that needs working out? 

As an ex nurse I was aware of the support groups and individuals available. But the bottom line is that when it happens to you, you cease to be a professional and become a patient eschewing most of what you know and existing in fear and trepidation. I’ve has two heart attacks, diabetes, Mania, Parkinson’s disease and this stroke. At 67 I know I have fewer days in front than behind me. It will take a while but as long as nothing acute happens, I don’t intend to be a chronic invalid if I can help it. I don’t feel so much anger as helplessness and my residual damage as result of this fucking stroke gives me pause. Thank you for your words of advice; it’s that kind of thing that one needs. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

One year today since I was diagnosed with depressive disorder, erm, yay, I'm now officially mentally disabled. Feels a bit odd saying that cos I'm just the same as I always was, just somebody noticed. Still, if it means I don't have to go to work it's a W for me. I'll see if I can get the missus registered as me carer, might be some moolah in it.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Didn’t know where to put this but I said goodbye to my Grandfather In hospital today. The experience of doing that was my first and it was weird. After some time with him when I was leaving I just said “I’ll get talking to you again” like I normally would have done. It was weird because in my head I built it up to be this big thing but in the end it was just me and him. 

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46 minutes ago, Decky said:

Didn’t know where to put this but I said goodbye to my Grandfather In hospital today. The experience of doing that was my first and it was weird. After some time with him when I was leaving I just said “I’ll get talking to you again” like I normally would have done. It was weird because in my head I built it up to be this big thing but in the end it was just me and him. 


Ach man, I’m sorry to hear it. You’ll have time to reflect. I’m glad you had the chance to say goodbye.

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