Let's conjure up some (silly) football conspiracies

[S.S.R.]

All football is actually scripted. Newcastle were actually meant to win the League in 1996 until the 'Graham Fenton screwjob' in Blackburn.

 

FENTON! ... FENTON! JESUS CHRIST! 

[Neil]

"Akabusi!" said a voice behind him.

 

This bit by itself had me chuckling.

[Ishmael]

Tottenham's win over the Toon was a fix, because the FA want to give Levy the title in return for 'Arry. Pardew was installed as third favourite for the England job thanks to FA officials leaking at Ashley's behest (to raise the credibility of "his man"). In return, Pardew's team lay down and allowed 'Arry to look like a great manager before the world. Spuds players weren't in on it - they played as normal but because we ran dead they simply smashed us.

 

It will all be proven true in the next few games when Man Utd start conceding penalties...

 

This is EXACTLY the sort of stuff I was after.  Fantastic post.

[Shak]

Paul Scholes is actually an extra terrestrial being from the planet Jinjah and is considered the single most dangerous lifeform in the universe. However, he is very sensitive about this and anyone who brings any attention to it is effectively sealing their own demise.

 

In the course of his career he has crippled over 4,000 footballers on the field with awful tackles, however these are all repaired on the spot using space age technology and extra terrestrial doctors. 'Men in Black' style technology is then used to wipe clear the memories of all those who have witnessed the act and the game goes on as if nothing at all has happened. The Premier League and UEFA have paid a combined 14.6 billion pounds over the last twenty years covering up and rectifying his various misdeeds.

 

This is the reason why when over the years you've watched Man U games and seen Scholes commit dangerous, terrible fouls only to have the referee take no action whatsoever and have the commentators chuckle and casually make jokes about how he "never did learn how to tackle, did he?"