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Eurovision 2013


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For the diehard Eurovision fans like myself, the first semi final is on tonight in Malmo and BBC3 (I think)


Denmark are apparently the favourites for the whole thing and I think I saw Bonnie Tyler at 16/1. Italy are also back this year after a prolonged absence



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Normally hate the acts, the voting and the presenters moaning the whole way through it, but still its tradition to watch this daftly entertaining waste of time


Sure you need to hear Marty Whelan's voice very now and again like. Just for tradition.

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Foreigner voting ruins this every year and I swear I'll never go back - but I've got the bets on:


Belarus (Winner, Top 3, Qualify)

Montenegro (Top 3, Qualify)

Ireland (Top 3)

Serbia (Top 3)

Belgium (Qualify)


Russia, Ukraine, Netherlands: 2,3,4 in the betting are a bit samey.


Here is a short assessment of the songs based on the official videos. Couldn't face watching the rehearsals this year:



Austria: Eurovison power vocals – just okay. Out of ten: (7)


Estonia: Abba at half speed and one quarter strength. (4)


Solvenia: Dubstep and trance had a baby! Sounds like its going to be very exiting, doesn't sustain it for 3 mins. (8)


Croatia: The sound of too much meaningful eye contact between men. (3)


Denmark: Can see why its the favourite, got that fucking flute stuck in brain already. (10)


Russia: Imogen Thomas' botoxed, fat sister cycles through the key changes. Sounds like a trophy should drop from the sky at the end. (6)


Ukraine: Higher on the posing than singing. Think its in English, can't make out anything but the last three words. (7)


Netherlands: This hippy stuff doesn’t go East of the Iron Curtain. Like Ukraine, could be a Disney-song. (5)


Montenegro: Is THE TITS; like every musical innovation of 2010 welded together in one uncoordinated mess. (11)


Lithuania: Full on pub-singer. Hilarious but not melodious. (6)


Belarus: Default Eurovision song. Got the big Balkan drum and a blondie, which puts it above Russia-Ukraine for me. (8)


Moldova: Yeah, should do well. (7)


Ireland: Where are Jedward? Like a man trying to do Loreen: "Generals are always condemned to fight the last war". (8)


Cyprus: Tries to demonstrate that ageing Cypriot ladies can maintain a good hip-waist ratio in these hard times. Shame they couldn't afford a song. (3)


Belgium: Strange looking bloke but brilliant eighties thing going on here. Its failure to get anywhere will confirm everything Farage N. says about the joined-up countries. (9)


Serbia: Serbian girl band sing unbelievably uplifting song. Can't understand a word, but this one certainly isn't about all the swans flying north to die, as some of the other could be. (8)

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