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Yuletide Misery


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How do you feel about Christmas?  

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  1. 1. How do you feel about Christmas?

    • I hate Christmas - Scrooge has nothing on me
    • I love Christmas - it's ace!
    • I prefer New Year to Christmas
    • It's ALL a heap of shite - Xmas AND New Year...
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10 reasons to love and hate Christmas

 

Sunday, November 27, 2005

From http://parkingattendant.blogspot.com/2005/11/10-reasons-to-love-and-hate-christmas.html

 

Less than a month to go again and I’m seriously tempted to renew my membership of the Ebenezer Scrooge appreciation society. Bah! Humbug!

 

The festival itself I have no quarrel with; good old hijacked midwinter solstice feast that it is. A time of good food, wine and forgiveness to celebrate surviving another year. Good will to all men? Within reason, of course. What turns my normal sunny disposition to that of lemon sucking misanthrope is the insistence that everyone has to join in the ‘fun’; when ‘fun’ entails leaving drunken saliva snail trails over the nearest total stranger. Good grief! If nothing else it’s all so damned unhygienic.

 

With this in mind I have compiled ten major issues about Christmas which every year threaten to turn Mr Nice Guy (Me) into a raging homicidal psychopath who’s just got his chainsaw out of the shed for a little pre-festive sharpening.

 

First; Date. The date and the association with Christianity is incorrect. 25th December is the wrong date for Christians to celebrate Christmas. It’s an historical fudge, a compromise between 6th December, 19th December, 22nd December, 7th January or 25th January depending upon which Christian / Pagan sect you belong to. As for the year, if you’re a Christian, about as close as you’ll get is six years either side of 0 AD; and that’s just from official sources.

 

Second; Presents and shopping. This asinine insistence that you have to drive yourself into near bankruptcy giving overpriced, unwanted gifts to everyone you know. This may sound like heresy and probably is; but I would rather have no gifts at all than a gift without a genuine kind thought behind it. I especially don’t like being dragged in and out of the same five or six stores four times each only to find that we could have bought everything on line.

 

Third; Enforced jollity. There is no greater torture to a civilised mind than forcing someone to enjoy themselves whether they want to or not. I am quite capable of being happy without outside interference thank you very much. My major dread is that in the near future Mr Blair’s Thought Police will deem it a crime not to be smiling and joyful at mandatory times and places. Perhaps this will be something else to be handed an ‘On the spot’ £60 fixed whizzer from your local Community Support Officer (Or heaven forfend, me.). The sheer horror of it defies all thought.

 

Fourth; Inappropriate headgear. The wearing of fluorescent antlers, tinsel and artificial fur bobbled conical hats three sizes too small, not to mention those jesters style confections made of poor quality red, yellow and green felt with bells on. Apparently there’s some strange, arcane folk belief that wearing such headgear actually makes everything you say and do amusing. Such as telling unfunny jokes, committing random sexual assaults or urinating in the street. Trust me, it doesn’t work. Strangely enough, recent research has proven conclusively that the majority of people donning such headgear instantly turn into annoying pillocks. Forcing your dog to wear any such item should instantly engender an instant charge of animal cruelty punishable by thirty strokes of the cat (A bad tempered feral Tom cat brought in specially, for preference.).

 

Fifth; Alcohol. Actually this is a bit of a moot point. I am greatly in favour of some forms of alcohol as it is a great social lubricant (I said SOCIAL. Honestly, some people.). A good pint, bottle of wine, or warming Single Malt in good company is wonderfully relaxing. Sometimes I can be very friendly with an entire bottle of whiskey all to myself. This is something anyone can do anywhere. Sometimes its nice to hide in the cellar with a good book, headphones on and some rock music blasting any potentially festive thoughts from my seasonally stressed synapses. Be warned; excessive consumption not only damages your liver and wallet but also turns you into another slobbering maudlin festive idiot.

 

Sixth; Office / work related parties. Or as Oscar Wilde might have said had he ever been to one, ‘The unattainable attended by the unlovable’. Watching what you drink in case you say exactly what you feel about your boss or an influential colleague; no matter how incompetent / unpleasant / overbearing they might be. I hate such events and whenever invited to ‘socialise’ in this fashion with workmates make a creative and plausible excuse not to be there. Ones I’ve found that work very well are; Previous engagement with family, as far from the event as possible; feigned illness; faked domestic emergency requiring your urgent presence at home – all of these are good. One cautionary note, use a different excuse every year or be labelled ‘Anti Christmas’ and find all those more important invitations disappear.

 

Seventh; Christmas lunch. All that hard work put in to produce a table groaning feast to be met by refusal. For example an announcement by your wife’s sister / daughter (insert own preference here) that she’s become a Vegan without telling anyone; then flounces off when you, quite reasonably, refuse to specially cook a nut roast for everyone at five minutes notice because she can’t bear to be within fifty yards of that poor murdered Turkey. Another might be the kids whinging that they want to go to Burger MacWossnames for a “double death by cholesterol and fries”; refusing to eat anything green that hasn’t got four kilo’s of sugar in it. I think Christmas lunches should be all ticket affairs. If you want to be there, be there. If you don’t – sod off and be miserable on your own.

 

Eighth; Christmas Television. Especially those vomit inducing saccharine Coca Cola adverts. The endless TV repeats of Christmas specials of ‘Only Fools and Horses’, and what’s going on in Emmerdale Enders. ‘The Sound of Music’ again. ‘Celebrity’ Christmas specials. Thank God for DVD’s. Don’t even get me started about Hogmanay specials. All I want from New Years Eve is a hot toddy, an early night and a clear head on a crisp winters morning, enjoying the peace and quiet.

 

Ninth; Christmas Number Ones. All of them. Especially (In no particular order) Slade’s ‘So here it is Merry Christmas’, Band Aid’s ‘Do they know it’s Christmas time’ and Aled Jones ‘Walking in the air’. When you’ve heard them sung extremely badly four or five hundred times by drunken cracked voices at up to half past four in the morning, you’ll agree all modern Christmas tunes should be banned by international treaty.

 

Tenth; Carol Singers. Not proper Carol Singers like in church choirs, they’re very pleasant and always welcome. I’m talking about the avaricious little sods who turn up on your doorstep for a quick bit of extortion a month before the official date. I think we’re all familiar with them; expecting you to give them money for an abysmal one chorus rendition of ‘We wish you a Merry Christmas’ when half of them don’t know the words and the other half are miming. Two years ago I handed out some warmed over vegetarian mince pies to the last lot who dared darken my doorstep, and joy of joys, haven’t seen any since.

 

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I don't hate Christmas, but I don't like it.  I don't believe in the religious side of it, and the other side is so commercially driven that it puts a bad taste in my mouth.  It means nothing to me, other than a good meal and having to put up with family you'd rather not see.

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I'm sitting on the love side of Christmas too. Great time of the year... love that week between Christmas and the New Year.

 

Ditto.. I normally complain about Christmas around this time.. Up until a few days before Christmas eve and then i get into the spirit about.. Like you say the week between Christmas and New Year is quality.. Well what i remember of it.

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I'm sitting on the love side of Christmas too. Great time of the year... love that week between Christmas and the New Year.

agree! And this year the gifthunting will be a shitlot easier than normal, since I actually got plenty of money :D I usually spend all my money as soon as i get them, but now i've worked friday nights wich means no spending that night and instead getting money in :D Such a huge relief that for once i know that I'm not going to have to buy the cheapest thing i can think of :p

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Can't stand them both, especially New Year. So the earth has moved around the Sun once. So fuck. And like celebrating birthdays, you're celebrating getting closer to death. Great.

 

Bring on the joy of summer :lol:

sad fucker :lol: I can see why you would hate New Years though, it's a bit overhyped with everyone having to be at the PERFECT party. Still, I love it

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Guest TheOrder

I don't hate Christmas, but I don't like it.  I don't believe in the religious side of it, and the other side is so commercially driven that it puts a bad taste in my mouth.  It means nothing to me, other than a good meal and having to put up with family you'd rather not see.

 

I like Christmas because:

 

Your off work.

You get to spend time with loved ones.

T.V's so shit, its good.

MEAT, MEAT and more MEAT (food, that is)

Shite token films with Tim Allen, that fill in the gaps between the 23rd and 25th.

A new supply of novelty socks.

Probably a new mug.

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I don't hate Christmas, but I don't like it.  I don't believe in the religious side of it, and the other side is so commercially driven that it puts a bad taste in my mouth.  It means nothing to me, other than a good meal and having to put up with family you'd rather not see.

 

I like Christmas because:

 

Your off work.

You get to spend time with loved ones.

T.V's so shit, its good.

MEAT, MEAT and more MEAT (food, that is)

Shite token films with Tim Allen, that fill in the gaps between the 23rd and 25th.

A new supply of novelty socks.

Probably a new mug.

 

Spelt wrong, but the only one that matters. blueyes.gif

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Guest TheOrder

I don't hate Christmas, but I don't like it.  I don't believe in the religious side of it, and the other side is so commercially driven that it puts a bad taste in my mouth.  It means nothing to me, other than a good meal and having to put up with family you'd rather not see.

 

I like Christmas because:

 

Your off work.

You get to spend time with loved ones.

T.V's so shit, its good.

MEAT, MEAT and more MEAT (food, that is)

Shite token films with Tim Allen, that fill in the gaps between the 23rd and 25th.

A new supply of novelty socks.

Probably a new mug.

 

Spelt wrong, but the only one that matters. blueyes.gif

You're pedantic!

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It's built up so much and from such an early stage that by the time christmas week comes, i'm sick of it all already.

 

I don't enjoy Turkey AT ALL.  I have this subconscious way of sizing up how much a present costs and then proceed to think what i could have bought if the idiot have just given me the money instead of going to the trouble of buying me such a poor present.

Telly is shit and i usually have loads of catch up work from school just to make the rest of the holiday even sweeter. Also have to 'watch over' 3 cousins who are all under 7 who seem intent to retrace every step i take round the house bawling and generally pissing me off.

 

Other than that I fucking love it. :D

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Sound like a right misery here but I'm hating Xmas more each year. Same old, same old. Lie-in, presents, drink, eat, drink, watch tv, drink, bed (wankered). Has it's good points but I'm just bored with the whole thing. Have made a point of going away for New Year for the last 4 off the belt and I look forward to that more than Xmas.  :roll:

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