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Best Man Speech Jokes


Guest firetotheworks
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Guest firetotheworks

Areet, I'm going to be doing a best man speech in about a month and I'm starting on the speech now. I'm keeping it short but I'm struggling for jokes. The only ones that I'm coming up with are either unfunny and tame, or canny funny because they're too innappropriate.

 

Whenever I think of an intro joke, I keep thinking that I'm going to say "I've been trying to think of a joke, but to be honest this marriage is a joke."

 

Any suggestions?

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i was a wreck before mine, can barely remember it now, the one thing i'd say from my experience is everyone will be on your side and will laugh at whatever you say as long as it's not controversial like the thing messi highlighted, that'd most likely ruin you depending on the audience

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Guest firetotheworks

Whenever I think of an intro joke, I keep thinking that I'm going to say "I've been trying to think of a joke, but to be honest this marriage is a joke."

 

If you want to bomb spectacularly definitely open with this line.

 

Hence starting a thread for an alternative, phlegm wad.

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I did alright at my brother's wedding I think.

 

I didn't try to make it too edgy or anything, we don't have that many stories like that. I just stuck to fairly innocuous humour and kept it short (think it was under 10 minutes).

 

Stuff like, now you can see why he hasn't introduced me to the bride's family (i.e. I would make him look bad in comparison), I thought carefully about saying yes to being best man (as I would still be invited if I said no, some of his other friends are proper scary etc), thanks to him for showering and shaving for the occasion (that's an old joke I'm sure).

 

I made up a secret trip to Vegas that never happened, but that didn't really hit the mark!

 

Then told a couple of light stories about when we were kids.

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Guest firetotheworks

Aye, it'll be well under ten minutes like. I'm thinking

 

Open with a joke.

no one laughs

Say something canny

Wish them luck

Drop the mic and get out of that bitch.

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I did one completely off-the-cuff for my buddy. The bride's top bitch, her evangelical Christian cousin, was fucking fuming, as she had taken weeks to write hers. She gave this 15 minute diatribe about loving Christ and accepting him into their hearts and other dross like that.

 

I waxed lyrical for 5 minutes about how my buddy and I used to drop Piledrivers and Diamond Cutters on the trampoline. :lol:

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My Best Man ended with a pretty good line 'We've all been pestering the groom for the honeymoon location, I've tried, the family have tried and even the football lads have tried after plying him with drink and we've gotten nowhere. The only thing we can come up with is that he's taking her to Wales because he told us he's off to Bang her (Bangor) for 2 weeks'.

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Saw one thing that worked well once.

 

Best man got loads of old useless keys and handed them out to people at the wedding.

 

Then in the speech he's like "so now that Denise is finally married I think it's only fair that anyone whose had a key to her back door over the years do the right thing and hand them in."

 

Cue every man in the room, as well as a few women and children, standing up and walking to the table and throwing their key in a big bowl.

 

Went down extremely well, was a lot of fun.

 

Which is impressive considering he'd just implied that the bride was a bi-sexual paedophile slut who takes it up the arse. :lol:

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Guest firetotheworks

Another thing as well. I've been asked by the bride to read out the lyrics to a song...as a joke.

 

I dunno who the joke's on like, but there's no way that I'm going to be able to read the lyrics to Ain't Nobody by Chaka Khan in a way that's either sincere, or funny.

 

The only material that I have for that is 'Kay and Daniel have decided to express their feelings for each other through me, so I'm not looking forward to tonight.'

 

It's funny because I'm hinting at sex, but the kids won't get it!

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Areet, I'm going to be doing a best man speech in about a month and I'm starting on the speech now. I'm keeping it short but I'm struggling for jokes. The only ones that I'm coming up with are either unfunny and tame, or canny funny because they're too innappropriate.

 

Whenever I think of an intro joke, I keep thinking that I'm going to say "I've been trying to think of a joke, but to be honest this marriage is a joke."

 

Any suggestions?

 

They'll be much better if they apply to the lad specifically. I didn't prepare any jokes for mine, just remember you can say anything about anyone except the bride. Be dead nice about her/her family and take the piss out of your mate in the manner that you normally would. The jokes are only for you/him and your circle of friends anyway. As long as you're nice about her she'll be sweet. Don't bother with anything about his past sex life unless you know for a fact she'll be sound with it.

 

I didn't even get to the end of my speech, was already recovering from a week on the piss in Vegas, I said something that sounded like I'd finished the toast and everyone just went 'cheers' so I sat down  :lol:

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Guest firetotheworks

That's a good idea actually. I might do something about him being ridiculously gullible and then telling him that it isn't really a wedding or something.

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Saw one thing that worked well once.

 

Best man got loads of old useless keys and handed them out to people at the wedding.

 

Then in the speech he's like "so now that Denise is finally married I think it's only fair that anyone whose had a key to her back door over the years do the right thing and hand them in."

 

Cue every man in the room, as well as a few women and children, standing up and walking to the table and throwing their key in a big bowl.

 

Went down extremely well, was a lot of fun.

 

Which is impressive considering he'd just implied that the bride was a bi-sexual paedophile slut who takes it up the arse. :lol:

 

That's really good :lol:. Kinda want to get married again, now.

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I didn't even get to the end of my speech, was already recovering from a week on the p*ss in Vegas, I said something that sounded like I'd finished the toast and everyone just went 'cheers' so I sat down  :lol:

 

:spit:

 

This tickled me, love it.

 

I was gutted, saved my best story/joke for last as well.

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