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DIY players' interview


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Picture the scene:  you're a lazy local journalist.  Maybe you've been out on the lash all night.  Or strumping the local tart all afternoon.  You're about to knock off for a scarcely earned pint or three when the chief editor rings you up.  Where's that NUFC article you promised?  Shit, you forgot?! 


Well worry not, just use the patented Kitman DIY Player's interview!  Just insert/delete as necessary and you'll be down the pub before you can say Anal O Vulva! :icon_biggrin:


"I am speaking with  [insert player's name]   just a day after the  [latest/shock/usual]   defeat against  [insert opposition club] .  The [pain/indifference/felt tip moustache]  is clearly still on his face as he opens his heart to  [insert local paper's name here].


"We've let  [ourselves/the fans/the club/Terry Mac's tyres]  down again.  We can't go on like this.  We've got to stop being a soft touch or we will get  [punished/beaten/arrested]  again."  [insert player's name here]  struggles to explain what went wrong.  "I can't explain it.  We have a side full of  [quality internationals/determination/overpaid tossers]   and it shouldn't happen.  But it does again and again and it's got to stop."


[insert player's name here] is aware of the criticism from certain quarters.  "We understand how the fans feel.  We feel it too.  All the boys were [hurting/devastated/spit roasting a cockney tart in Titus's hotel room] after the match.  People say we don't [care/ try/ wash each other's testicles in the shower] but we do.  It's another season of disappointment, but next season has got to be different"


But [insert player's name here] has a message for the long suffering fans.  "We know we have [the best fans/the most loyal fans/the fattest chairman] in the game and one day we'll win something for them.  And I want to be [here/there/playing for Arsenal] when it happens."


And as I sit here, I think next year might just be our year.  Meanwhile, news reaches me that a clutch of major stars will be arriving at SJP in the summer.  And I am told that estimates of a transfer kitty of £30-50m are not far wide of the mark.  And if the names that are being bandied around in the corridors materialise, we will be in for a mouth watering season.  Fans are reminded next year's season tickets must be renewed by the end of the month."   

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