Guest bluegeordie Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 Since I've surpassed the magical 100 posts mark, I thought what better time than now to launch my maiden thread? While I can't pretend to have read everything that's been posted over the last couple of days (in a crisis, people type faster than one can read, after all) it seems to me that many are accusing Mort and Ashley of acting prematurely and almost unethically where Sam's departure is concerned. However, while my initial response was similar, and notwithstanding Sam's "I don't know where this has come from" comments, the more I think about it the more I feel that Mort and Ashley might have had their own hand forced in this matter. In other words, given that it seems increasingly likely that they didn't have an alternative to Big Sam lined up in advance (a la Ramos at Spurs), it would seem to me that this development of Sam departing has surprised them as well as (if not as much as) us. In mind of the above, with some allowances for poetic licence (mixed with copious amounts of alcohol), I ask you - is the following hypothetical conversation between Mort and Big Sam that difficult to imagine? Sam: So Chris, where's my January "war chest"? Mort (in his usual mild-mannered-on-the-surface-but-underneath-hard-as-nails way): Erm, have you heard of Mahatma Ghandi? Sam: What, you're not going to bankroll me in the transfer window? Mort: In a word "no", although we're prepared to finance the signing of Diarra, in part to replenish our midfield stocks, in light of the fact that the wannabe jailbird who someone (who shall remain nameless) decided to sign and build their team around has seriously gone off the rails. Unless you think we should add Dr Phil to our support staff, that is ... Sam: I can't believe this. Why on earth won't you give me a blank cheque? Mort: Hmm, when are you due at training? Well, to put it bluntly, Mike and I didn't appoint you, and while we have been prepared to give you an opportunity to show us that you're the man for the job, so far we've been less than impressed. Sam: But we have more scientists than NASA, and more health professionals than the NHS? Mort: The latter is nothing to boast about, but I digress. Yes, you've been doing some excellent and long overdue work off the pitch, but on the pitch - where it counts the most - you've been serving up a smorgasbord of rotten football that we haven't seen since, well, the darkest days of the previous two managers. Now, neither Mike nor I are Rinus Michels in disguise, but Mike in particular has been following the English national team long enough to know a shower of shite when he sees one, and let's just say that he's running out of umbrellas where Newcastle are concerned. Sam: But Rome wasn't built in a day - I need time, and a show of faith on your and Mike's part! Mort: Granted, Rome wasn't built in a day, but I've consulted with a Professor of Classics at Cambridge University who assures me that there was tangible evidence of Rome developing gradually over time, and in the case of Newcastle United Mike and I simply can't see any on-field evidence of improvement. If you'll excuse the French, for fuck's sake we're hard-headed businessmen, and while we're prepared to show some faith, we don't do blind faith particularly well. Sam: Look, can you be more specific about all this? Mort: Certainly. Since you've been on Tyneside, Blind Freddy (but possibly not Fat Freddy, I admit) can see that you have insisted on utilising formations that do not suit your personnel; you have consistently played players out of position; many of your substitutions have led to "Ripley's Believe It Or Not" leaving messages on my voicemail; your tactical negativity has driven grown men to tears; and your "ability" to make seasoned internationals look like amateurs has spoken volumes about your capacity to motivate. In a nutshell, you have served up enough shite to even have the loyal travelling Toon Army singing "we're shit, and we're sick of it". Look, all of us have wanted you to be "The One" (even Bluegeordie on the Newcastle-Online forum), and in truth we've suspended disbelief for months for fear of the alternative, but enough is enough, and something has to give. Sam: So, you, Mike, and countless others from the abovementioned forum (I think I'm getting the hang of this southern lingo) want me out? Mort: Categorically NO. Instead, we want to give you the remainder of the season to show us that you're the man (or "person" - we from the south have to be PC about such matters) for the job. However, all things considered, we think it only fair that we spend a relatively small amount in the January transfer window, during which time all clubs tend to pay above the odds for decent players anyway. Sam: Oh, I see, so I'm supposed to qualify for Europe on the smell of an oily rag? Mort: No, who said anything about Europe, or league position at all for that matter? All that we require, apart from avoiding relegation obviously (although I hear that one or two eccentrics on a message board far, far away think that's for the better - go figure, huh?), is evidence that you are not entirely clueless about formations, team selection, tactics, and player motivation (for present purposes we'll bracket the "entertainment" question out of the equation). Sam: But hang on, from my resume, you should know that I excel in all of those things (excepting the bracketed stuff, of course). Mort: Look Sam, there's no easy way to put this, but overseeing a Go-Kart team's rise to the status of NASCAR does not immediately imply one's suitability for taking a NASCAR outfit to the level of Formula One. Here at Newcastle, we might not be McClaren or Ferrari YET, but that's where we want to head, and where we need you to lead us. Put simply, the Toon Army won't stand for "Go-Kart football", however successful, as they have seen (under KK and SBR) much better, and more importantly still they aspire to much, much better (you know, like playing to win at Derby, for instance). Sam: For fuck's sake Chris, I've no idea what you (or your drunken ghostwriter) are talking about. All I know is I won't stand for this shit - either you back me, or you sack me. It's your choice. Mort: Okay Sam, but I should warn you that Mike and I did not get to where we are by throwing good money after bad, and by backing losers in the face of all the evidence. Also, I should warn you that behind my mild-mannered City persona, and Mike's "ordinary bloke" exterior, rest beasts akin to Tony Montana ... The World Will Be Ours, and the long-suffering Toon Army's - the question is, do you have what it takes to get us there? If not, we'll need to talk severance pay, and I'll set about appointing a world class manager ... or an old basset hound from the south coast, if absolutely necessary. Sam: I haven't seen Scarface for a while, so I'll have to get back to you on that. Mort: No probs Sam. Ciao for now, and keep your eye on the SSN news-bar - the truth is stranger than fiction, and nowhere more so than it football, and nowhere more so in football that at Newcastle United. Now, I need a drink. POSTSCRIPT: My apologies if, in the time it's taken me to concoct this drunken drivel, we've announced that Ottmar Hitzfeld, Guus Hiddink, or Louis van Gaal is the next Toon manager. If that's the case, then who really cares what led to Sam's demise, as we'll finally have a future worth embracing? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Logic Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 You're going to be popular round here. I can see about 20 people reading all of that.. I was one of them btw. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkeye Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 That was a decent read, ever thought about publishing a novel? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bluegeordie Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 Twenty?!? I might not make the short-list for "Most Underrated Poster" in 2008. [note to self - focus on WUM title] But seriously, thanks for the patience. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Munkey Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 gave me a chuckle on a friday afternoon anyway Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest njkman Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 that was an entertaining read, have you considered writing your own coming? The troubles of the Toon perhaps a nice little tittle? can i suggest you set a scene next time, perhaps an office, or actually maybe the two of them walking through a corridor, before BS eventually branches off...... On a serious note i see what you are trying to say, i think that underneither theses pleasent new owners we seem to have there are clever rutherless businessmen who do not settle for mediocritiy, something that sam had led many people to believe, including myself that that was all he was capable of. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Libertine Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 any chance of a small summary for the lazy ones among us? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest alankhaw Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 I need a scriptwriter for some upcoming movies. You're a talented writer bluegeordie Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keefaz Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 I enjoyed it, BG. It took me about half an hour to read it, mind. I don't have much in the way of attention span, like any true NUFC fan. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bluegeordie Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 that was an entertaining read, have you considered writing your own coming? The troubles of the Toon perhaps a nice little tittle? can i suggest you set a scene next time, perhaps an office, or actually maybe the two of them walking through a corridor, before BS eventually branches off...... On a serious note i see what you are trying to say, i think that underneither theses pleasent new owners we seem to have there are clever rutherless businessmen who do not settle for mediocritiy, something that sam had led many people to believe, including myself that that was all he was capable of. Cheers for seeing (or creating? ) the serious point. Imo Mort and Ashley have taken one brave decision which, upon reflection, I consider to be the correct one. The question is, will they get the next one right? If so, Nirvana ... if not, Justin Timberlake Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bluegeordie Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 any chance of a small summary for the lazy ones among us? Sorry! An "exectutive summary" - Mort would approve! Here it is: Chris and Mike look into the abyss; make the difficult call; and who knows what's next (certainly not SSN). Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bluegeordie Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 any chance of a small summary for the lazy ones among us? Sorry! An "exectutive summary" - Mort would approve! Here it is: Chris and Mike look into the abyss; make the difficult call; and who knows what's next (certainly not SSN). Fuck, I can't even spell - I'm a disgrace. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Libertine Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 any chance of a small summary for the lazy ones among us? Sorry! An "exectutive summary" - Mort would approve! Here it is: Chris and Mike look into the abyss; make the difficult call; and who knows what's next (certainly not SSN). reading it again, my post looked sarcastic., but it wasnt meant to be. that summary was crap. i'll read the first post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bluegeordie Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 reading it again, my post looked sarcastic., but it wasnt meant to be. that summary was crap. i'll read the first post Obviously, I need to work on my "radio edit". In the meantime, I'll endeavour to (presumably?!) set a record by being the only person to start a thread who contributes more posts to it than the general public. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Prince_Monkey Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 I liked it. Good on you for taking the time to write something purely for other people's amusement. Shame half the board can't read and will blast you for some flame worthy reason. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Underpants Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 Great post, had a laugh. Well done. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. TC Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest jimmy1982 Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 Nice one BG. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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