Moritz Volz's guide to becoming a footballer:

[LooneyToonArmy]

Thought I`d add some more

 

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- For commentators: If a continental player dives, cry yourself hoarse about how diving should be banned and the player in question booked/sent off. If an English player dives, praise him to no end and say it was an intelligent move

 

- You must start jostling with someone as soon as a corner is awarded, regardless of whether it's about to be taken or not.

 

- As soon as the ref moves a wall back 10 yards, the players must shuffle forward at least 2 yards before the kick is taken.

 

- If there has been anything negative regarding you and the club you play for in the media that week, you are required to kiss the badge on your shirt if you score.

 

- If you take off your shirt or go into the crowd after scoring, you are required to look upset when the ref books you, even though everyone knows you're going to get booked as soon as you did it.

 

- However, if you do get booked for this, it is required that Sky do not confirm the booking until at least 5 minutes after the event.

 

- If a decision does not go your way, you are required to shout "EY! EY! EY!" at the ref until he looks at you, when he does, you are required to run off spitting rather than actually making any kind of argument.

 

- When the ball hits your hand or arm, you are required to hit your chest several times and look confused, even if replays will make it really obvious the ball blatantly hit your arm.

 

- If you have a foul awarded against you and you think it was a fair tackle, you are required to pick the ball up and shake it violently at head height to imply you got the ball.

 

- The moment you make a rash tackle, you must throw your hands up in the air even if the referee was looking in another direction. Then when he awards the free kick on seeing you, you are required to remonstrate with him till he books you.

 

- As captain of the team, you are required to argue with the referee over even the slightest of incidents. And then when he starts arguing back, you should show him your captain's armband to show who's boss.

 

- Referees are to award only a maximum of 1 minute of stoppage time at the end of the 1st half, even if the game was suspended by 30 minutes due to a miscalculated parachute landing.

 

- When a big team is losing, add at least 4 minutes of stoppage time at the end of the match and keep on extending until they score or come very close. If the opposition look like scoring again stop the game before the ball reaches the opposite penalty area.

 

- Before the game restarts for the second half, all strikers and midfielder should stand 3/4ths the way from the goal to the half line and kick the ball aimlessly towards your own goal.

 

- The answer to "What do you enjoy most about being a footballer?" or any of its variants must be "I do it for the fans."

 

-When a throw in is awarded, the wide midfielder has to pick up the ball and prepare himself to take the throw only to wait 30 seconds for the fullback to arrive and to take the throw.

 

- When a player is playing despite "blood being visible" - as FIFA likes to put it - the referee must take no action until the opposition players protest, no matter how obvious the "infringement" is.

 

- When a defender commits a stonewall penalty, said player must argue with the ref that he didn't touch him even though its blatant that he nailed the attacker.

 

 

-When a team is more than 1 goal down and they pull one back, the goalscorer must run over to the fans and with both hands move them up and down in short sprints signalling them to give some more support.

 

-When a player is from any slightly continental country and he makes a substitution appearance, he must touch the grass with his right hand and then do the cross of jesus, even if he is athiest or never goes to church.

 

 

[Adam]

Never knew Voltz was so funny.

[Guest xtinct]

 

— The fourth official must always check a substitute’s studs before he comes on, even though none of the studs of the players on the pitch were checked. It should be noted that no substitute in the history of football has ever been caught wearing “inappropriate studs” and no substitute has ever been refused access to the field of play because of a “stud check”.

 

 

I've actually seen players refused to enter the field...

But many funny points =)

[LooneyToonArmy]

- Also for commentators: When a foreign player gets hit with his first mildly hard tackle in the premiership it is required that the commentator must quip "WELCOME TO THE PREMIERSHIP!" as if fouling and hard tackles are something that do not exist beyond English shores.

 

- When substituted it is required that you high five everyone between the edge of the pitch and your seat on the bench, the exception to this is the coach, who you must shake hands with and let him pat you on the arse.

 

- When fighting, it is preferable that you fight as if you were pretending to be a triceratops. Both combatants must put their heads together gently and push backwards and forwards for a bit.

[Guest]

For commentators: If a continental player dives, cry yourself hoarse about how diving should be banned and the player in question booked/sent off. If an English player dives, praise him to no end and say it was an intelligent move

 

Agree with this one. When Ronaldo goes down, he "dives". When Rooney got booked for diving at Spurs a couple of weeks ago, the commentators words were, "he definitely stumbled".

 

No, he f*cking dived.

[Disco]

When being talked to by the referee you must always bend down and pull up/rearrange your socks this is particularly relevent if you are getting booked.