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Floater's Guide to Newcastle from Footy365


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piss taking bunch of bastards...still gave me a laugh though.








Thinking of taking up this trendy new thing they call football, but not sure which team to support? Perhaps you're a politician with votes to win, or an entertainment artiste who's looking to have obscene songs sung about your sexual predilections...


Whatever the reason, Football365 is here to help. Cast an eye over our handy checklist. If you answer 'Why-Aye Man' to five of the ten questions, read on for our 'cheat sheet' and off you go...


The Checklist


1) When you're at an outdoor entertainment event and the temperature has dropped below freezing, do you feel an unaccountable urge to strip to the waist?


2) Do you prefer your team to sign a string of trophy players instead of winning actual trophies?


3) Are you looking for a team whose players have interests outside the game, such as perfecting the ability to park a Ferrari upside down on a swing-bridge?


4) Do you like nothing better than spending your time hanging about in an airport, and then posting on message boards that you've spotted Otmar Hitzfeld, Kaka, Ronaldinho, Alessandro Nesta and Gigi Buffon signing contracts in the VIP lounge?


5) Are you prepared to spend an entire midweek afternoon standing outside a football stadium in driving sleet, in order to welcome the new manager whose sacking you'll be demanding in one year's time?


6) Is your idea of a good atmosphere to sit in brooding silence for minutes at a time, before bellowing like a moose in rutting season when the referee doesn't give you that vital throw-in at the halfway line?


7) Do you like the idea of watching football with a fat man's naked belly resting on the back of your neck?


8) Eschewing the new fancy-dan, multi-millionaire playboy chairmen, are you looking for a club with the more traditional type who looks like Clive James after a car crash?


9) Is your desire to fit in with your fellow fans so strong that you welcome a club policy that refuses entry to anyone who isn't wearing at least seven items of replica kit from the club shop?


10) Women, do you sport a fake tan so vivid that people think you're an evacuee from Chernobyl? Men, do you find an F cup pinches a bit around the bosom?


Five or more? Well, here you go...


Hello...The Phone-In Phrases


"Hello, is that 606? I just wanted to say the Geordie fans were fantastic today man, like!"


"Hello, is that TalkSport? Alan Shearer was - still is, mind! - the best centre-forward in the country and an absolute legend and always wanted to elbow people in tha heed an' take penalties for THIS club, rather than go somewhere else and win stuff."


"Hello, is that 606? Newcastle United are a massive club. MASSIVE, I'm tellin' yez."


"Hello, is that Radio Newcastle? Geordie fans are the best in the country. By. A. Mile, man."


Get The Accent


The simplest way to get the Geordie accent is to eat one of the superheated, scalding pies served at St James', which strip the roof of your mouth and soon have you shouting angrily and speaking authentically.


You Are The Pundit


It's all about passion in the north east. Look at that sea of black and white.


Club History


Newcastle United Football Club was formed in 1992 by Kevin Keegan.


How To Fit In With A Single Sentence


Me fatha's boss's plumber's proctologist drinks in the same wine bar as the instructor what taught the lad Eto'o Spanish, like, and he swore BLIND that he divvent wanta go to Barceler-na in the first place and apparently he's comin' through the Newcastle first chance 'e gets.


Patrick McCarthy

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All of it old rubbish thats been done a million times before, adding nothing new to the typical NUFC slating apart from this:


6) Is your idea of a good atmosphere to sit in brooding silence for minutes at a time, before bellowing like a moose in rutting season when the referee doesn't give you that vital throw-in at the halfway line?


/\/\ Made me really laugh out loud.  :lol:

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