I want a scrappy 1-0.
Picture the scene - A stoppage time corner, Cabaye floats the ball into the box which eludes everyone and heads towards the back post. There, greeted with an open goal, stands Joey Barton. He drops to nod the ball in but misjudges the bounce. To salvage the situation he raises his hand and prods the ball into the net. Barton wheels away, the Sunderland players stand in disbelief wating for the whistle to go to signal handball but unfortunately for them both Webb and his assistant's vision were obscured by Titus Bramble's fat arse. The goal stands.
Seconds later the full time whistle is blown. Enraged Sunderland fans spill onto the pitch as stewards usher our boys down the tunnel to avoid the throngs of inbred, coin throwing spastics looking for a pagger. Fights break out amongst the home fans who are now covering the playing surface. Chairs are ripped out and thrown at the away end. After a few minutes rozzers in riot gear descend onto the playing surface and dish out a few well deserved beatings while police outside do their best to stop the celebrating away fans from meeting their less educated counterparts.
Fast forward to Match of the Day and the moralising begins. "That boy Barton is at it again", Linekar will say with that oh so unsettling smirk. Hansen and Shearer will nod sagely. The newspapers will be no better - "The Hand of Sod!" the Sunday Mirror will shriek, while some bloated columnist will muse upon the impact Barton's latest indiscretion will have on the youth of this fine nation.
Joey will go on national radio to justify his actions, claiming that the team would've suffered if he hadn't punched the ball into the net. Robbie Savage will agree and Alan Green won't hear him but will instead whinge about his viewing position at the Reebok for that days game, muttering that "it's a completely unacceptable way for a club like Bolton to treat a man like me", before cutting into his rant to bring us the breaking news that Sunderland will be forced to play their next 4 home games behind closed doors due to crowd trouble. "I thought they already were" Savage will say, "judging by the number of pink seats on display every other week!" And they'll all laugh.
Now that's a derby, boys and girls.
fkin mackem idiots
