Neil

Haha Barton to be "signed again" by Newcastle. "KING KEV GOES MAD AS NEWCASTLE FACE AMNESIA CRISIS! CCRRRRIIISSSSIIIISSS!!!!!!!!!!"

It's crazy isn't it? Not sure if 'crazy' does justice, like. My latest rumour is that Everton will be poised to sign a very promising Nigerian winger on loan, only for a work permit to be rejected because Everton aren't in the top 4. Oh, hold a second.

As an Everton fan, our forums have some eejits. Glad ours isn't alone!

Matias Fernandez FM legend tbh. Need a bit of Farfan as well like!

I was just about to comment on that. Not bad at all! Ranks alongside some of the Euro 2008 WAGs.

Ermm, Ben Tozer then? We might have our eyes on the formidable Andy Carroll. Part-exchange with Tony Hibbert anyone?

Same. We would however have 2 of the worst midfield combinations in the Premiership at the same club. Impressive stuff, if you ask me. Some days Jagielka and Neville aren't needed (most days), so why not crack Smith and Barton on. They'll change the game tbh.

You're safe then!!! I think we'll complete our purchases with a £7m swoop for Shola, and maybe a bit of Nile Ranger. Reports suggest Moyes wants someone can shoot as str8 as a banana.

As an Everton fan myself, I'm overjoyed by the prospect of these deals. The thought of Barton erm, lighting up Goodison Park, along with the infamous 'goal machine' that is Alan Smith running about aimlessly for a bit, is surely a proposition that can't be sniffed at. You'll fear for your lives as we sweep our way to an all-conquering season of finishing in the top 10. On another note, surely the only way SSN could become more comical is to become more Americanised and have flames in the background, and action shots of the studio and presenters?

As an Everton fan, it's been a fairly disastrous summer. And now I hear a "top 10 club" are after Barton. Good lord, could things actually get worse? The answer, seemingly, is a very possible yes!