Pilko

Sammy is one of those people who I bet is mint at 5-a-side and 7-a-side but he's absolutely hopeless at the big boys 11-a-side games.

I genuinely thought Sissoko went off at half time btw. Was it just me?

If I was in charge and we were offered £8m I'd definitely take it. £5m I'd almost certainly take it still. Even £3-4m and I'd be considering it. He's absolutely hopeless and is living on his reputation from a few seasons ago.

Basically, Santon was mint, Gouffran was decent, Marveaux, Campbell and Vuckic had some alright late cameos there. The rest were on a scale beginning at uninspiring and ending at full on atrocious. The worst of the bunch being Tiote, Sissoko, Coloccini, Elliot and Shola. Partial credit to Shola for the goal (which was the only thing he did right all night long) and to Sissoko for being played as a fucking right winger.

Second half was much better but I'd rate it at about 4 or 5/10, which says it all really.

Santon has been head and shoulders above every other player in blue tonight like, he's a class act.

Santon and Gouffran have been shining pieces of sweetcorn in this steaming turd of a performance, like.

That goal was the worst thing that could have happened, 2 in 2 Shola now 'back in contention'.

Vintage 2010 Tiote tackle.

Shola

Absolutely disgraceful from our club captain, like. Way to set a good example, you fucking imbecile. Good thing the vice captain is never one to leave his foot in, oh wait.

What's the point in sending off one player from each team in a fucking friendly man? Absolute cunt this ref, loving the limelight. Hope he gets cock rot.

What a cunt. Who got sent off?

This referee is one of those centre of attention bellends like, about five or six cards in 35 minutes of a fucking friendly.

Attention Marge Ameobi. We have also arrested your younger, thinner, shitter son.

You can't even call this a good physical workout either, it's been largely walking pace due to the incredibly whistle happy ref.

Sissoko is about as much a right winger as he is a fucking astronaut, Pardew is off his fucking box even considering starting him there like.

Our pre-season always seems to be a rag-tag team in some sort of blue away kit wandering around a foreign pitch whilst a supposedly 'lesser' side looks way ahead of us in almost every department - energy, fitness, talent, team chemistry, scoring goals etc. Oh and there's a 23 shirt cunting around at the top every year anarl. That's the worst fucking part.

Pre-season or not, regardless of the opposition: no fluency, little urgency, and the defending is haphazard if we're being generous. Not boding well so far like.

Absolutely piss poor defending there from Sissoko, Taylor, and finally Coloccini. Utter shite. EDIT: and Sammy so slow to react and get across to defend the far post also, garbage.

Hatem's touch has been absolutely lifting so far like, ball's bouncing off him everywhere.

Shola so offside there and ghosting out the way for Sissoko. I'd love to think that was on purpose.

Those problems with ball retention are still glaring as fuck like, and that's before we've reached ten minutes. Debuchy has done the 'Simmo Howk' about three or four times already.

Decent side apart from the fucking Ameobi cunts like. Good to see a progression featuring gradually more and more first-teamers this pre-season anyway, strikers excepted.

Attention Marge Bruce. We've also arrested your older, fatter son.