Gottlob

Can't recall anybody wanting us to sign Adam Armstrong, but thinking about it even now it might not be that bad of a shout. Say we want Osula to go on loan and are willing to sell one of Gordon or Barnes to fund a superstar right winger or marauding part-cover for Isak. Well in that situation Armstrong might be ideal as third-choice cover for the left wing and striker positions, given that he'd be cheap, homegrown and surely willing to sit on the bench. After the likes of Almiron and Murphy, he's talented enough to be Howe's next reclamation project.

Need him to make it so we can finally update the club songbook.

An unmitigated shambles, and I know that people will rightly say that it's not the fault of Howe or the players. But for me in the big list of things it puts the Carabao Cup behind our First Division trophy in 1993, with Howe behind Keegan and Isak probably behind Andy Cole given the latter's fine run-in and his hat-trick against Leicester.

To soak in the atmosphere, to acquaint or reacquaint oneself with a city or town, then to lurk in an alleyway with nothing but a grim smile and a switchblade, assuming a matchgoer’s ticket and aspects of their identity after dragging them into said alleyway and slicing them from ear to ear.

Paulo Wanchope and Paul Dickov?

Also the penalty should be one action rather than one touch, like in tennis where you're only penalised for hitting the ball twice if you take two swings at it.

Feels like football is at a low ebb at the moment, which has been especially true in Spain with Barcelona in a period of transition while mired in financial crisis. It's a shame that it has allowed Ancelotti, who previously had a dire record domestically, and the likes of Vinicius and Mbappe to fill their oversized boots.

Every great team needs the right mixture of ballers and scrotes.

More like Sven Sittingonhisbotman

He's a diminutive talent, but I've heard there's nothing diminutive about the size of his heart.

I've been to hundreds upon hundreds of matches at St James' Park and I can remember how things seemed to move so quickly in the nineties, from an open stadium with the club shop in a portacabin to 52,000 seats and what for a time felt like one of the best stadiums in the land. But times change and now I have a child of my own, and I'd like to be able to take her to a game at some point in the not too distant future without her turning to me, with tears in her eyes, and saying 'Daddy, why have you brought me to such a shithole?'.

Hey look everybody! I just walked into the door again!

There are two desirable outcomes in my opinion: Dubravka comes in, plays well and we win the match, the obvious choice; or Vlachodimos plays and proves implausibly bad, tripping over his own feet and throwing the ball into his own net several times over. He can be this generation's Fumaca or 'Yohan Kebab', a cause to look back and laugh, the type of thing that over the long haul can really serve to bring a fanbase together. And after all, what's more important than that?

Harvey Barnes? Might as well be Hilary Benn for all the good that did us!

I was around at the time and have absolutely no idea what 'Oldham 96' means. Maybe it's because I'm forgetful or maybe it's cause, you know, I actually have a life and haven't addled my brain with endless minutiae drawn from old football matches!