DahnSahf

Two cats sit either side of a cat flap. One wants to go out, the other to come in. Neither can do anything, as they both know that the first to stick his snout through the flap gets it smashed down on his head. That's a Mexican stand off. Both parties' situation is unsatisfactory, but the first to make a move is totally fucked.

Yep, gross misconduct, would have voided any clause I'd have thought. I was surprised about that to be honest and maybe negates what I've been saying when was the last time a manager was fired for gross misconduct? or indeed anyone in the top level of football? Yeah, I was agreeing with you. If you actually want an answer - I have no idea Poyet? I think Oldham or someone like that did last season but as for Premier League i really cant think of one George Graham? The bung business.

Let's hope they get in a row about the weekend, and Pards stabs Ash to death with his own letter opener in a frenzied attack. Fat Mike out of the picture once and for all, and Pards on the run to f***ing Guatemala or somewhere. Dreamland! what have the poor people of Guatemala done to you like? I have to confess that in my desperation I didn't spare them a thought.

Let's hope they get in a row about the weekend, and Pards stabs Ash to death with his own letter opener in a frenzied attack. Fat Mike out of the picture once and for all, and Pards on the run to fucking Guatemala or somewhere. Dreamland!

There you go.

This is the point. Just got in from the gun club, so apologies if this has been covered, but this is potentially the best thing that could have happened. If Hatem burns up the league for Hull while we're struggling to create chances as expected, even the dimmest fan / journo / random pundit / fans of other clubs / Twitter twit will be able to see how clueless Pards is. Maybe even fat Mike!

Did you see AP on SSN just now accepting his LMA award for the Manure win? "And Sir Alex on the panel as well! Not bad for a wee club in the Norf"

* Nobody mentioned Newcastle. Nothing. Not a sausage. Reports that Joe Kinnear woke at 5.30pm in the middle of a pile of cans, Crunchie wrappers and take-out boxes, stared at his blinking alarm clock, groaned, decided the day was a write-off and went back to sleep, are presently unconfirmed. http://www.football365.com/f365-features/8904218/Mesut-F-ing-Ozil

When we were looking through Saturday's uninspiring fixture list on Thursday, I joked to Sarah Winterburn that I could probably start writing a reaction piece to Newcastle v Fulham then and there, such was the predictability of the result and two pitiful performances. This contest yielded just a single goal last season - Papiss Cisse's last-minute winner at St James' Park - and it seemed certain another snoozefest was in store. "You can't predict when you're going to score," said Alan Pardew after Hatem Ben Arfa's second-half screamer earned Newcastle a narrow victory. What you can predict, however, is that Pardew's team will struggle to score, having had just a single shot on target in their first two Premier League matches this season and amassing a meagre total of 45 goals last year. It was hard work on the pitch against Fulham and it was hard work watching as the Magpies increasingly looked to Ben Arfa to provide a moment of magic. Pardew was typically bullish in his post-match interviews, praising his team's resilience and encouraging Joe Kinnear to find the extra striker the team apparently needs. But the manager's tunnel vision when it comes to strengthening his squad betrays his lack of imagination and unashamed willingness to burden Ben Arfa with the team's creative direction. Cisse, although in terrible form, and Loic Remy have both proven they can score goals in the Premier League, so why the desperation to sign only another forward? It is surely behind the front men where Newcastle require reinforcements. The need for subtlety was a point I recently raised with Spurs in mind and the very same can be said of a Newcastle side bereft of ideas. Even when the Magpies fought their way to fifth in 2011/12, theirs was a limited, functional brand of football, illustrated by a ranking of joint-fifth in number of long balls played per game - improved to first place last season. Play it long and play it early was the mantra, and it was a tactic that worked to great success with Demba Ba adept at collecting high balls and finishing hopeful knockdowns. But without Ba (who was Newcastle's top scorer in the Premier League last season despite leaving for Chelsea in January), it's clear that Pardew needs to devise a new method of attack, something that failed to materialise in last season's battle for survival. The manager may falsely believe that the win over Fulham will give his side the boost they need, but Newcastle's is not an acute sickness - their problems embedded over a year of absent ideas when the Magpies were propped up by four dreadful teams below them. Pardew is a man of contradictions and his team reflect his split personality on the pitch. While he wishes to appear as the thinking man's manager, Pardew is in reality a fist-shaker, a bellower and the sort to shove an assistant. His players may have exotic names that roll off the tongue and inspire visions of beautiful, flowing football, but in truth they play an unimaginative kick and rush that offers not a single hint that Pardew is capable of providing something different. Indeed, if you asked the manager why and how his team won on Saturday, I doubt he could even provide a conclusive answer other than pointing to Ben Arfa's brilliance. Another injury to Ben Arfa would leave Newcastle even more desperate for creativity and supporters even more frustrated. Mike Ashley chose not to remove Pardew in the summer, but the sword of Damocles still hangs over the manager's head and unless he can somehow introduce a more convincing style of play it is unlikely he will see out the season. In the grand scheme of things, a scrappy 1-0 win over Fulham changes nothing. http://www.football365.com/f365-says/8900177/Newcastle-s-Rare-Win-Changes-Nothing

I can't believe how much time and effort you guys waste on all this. Look at the Pardew thread FFS; hours of reading and typing, and who's your message getting to? Each other. I understand the community thing, but in terms of actual action, all you can think of is a few boos and a 'Pardew is Shite' banner? It's not even a Newcastle cliché, it's a football cliché. Sorry to appear patronising, but why don't you do something which just might be beneficial? There is a small pool of people on here who possess considerable collective knowledge. There is an understanding of systems and tactics, a knowledge of World football, access to stats etc. Plus a widespread disgust at Pardew's negativity, on and off field. (IMO he should have been sacked before the Sunderland game, after he made them favourites in the pre-match presser. And now NUFC.com are quoting him as saying he doesn't care if Arsenal beat us 4-0! If true, that should be it again for me.) Why don't you put your heads together and produce your own analysis of Pardew's time in charge, in a clear and reasoned manner, separated into sections on formations, tactics, substitutions, negativity etc., Supported by stats (number of long balls, total games played by each player in comparison with other clubs, and so forth). Good players turned to shite, that sort of stuff. Include a section on suggestions for Pardew's replacement, like that French geezer at Monte Cassino or wherever who wants to come to the prem. Show why they would be suitable for the club (style would suit our signings, youth policy, can work to a budget etc.) Then have someone who is actually literate (nae offence, couldn't resist it ) type it up double spaced for easy reading and annotation, print it off and send it Special Delivery addressed personally to fat Mike, copied S D to Decca, with a brief covering letter. In other words, as though you had been professionally engaged by the club to review Pardew's tenure and make recommendations. Also, copy it Recorded Delivery to the local press, those national rags which have half-decent footy coverage, and of course, Sky Sports, 5Live, etc. With the document in the public domain it can be disregarded, but not completely ignored like an internet campaign. And it gets the argument across in a style which can't be shrugged off as the knee-jerk response of a few thick pissheads who need a 'reality check'. The beauty of this is that it would require no more effort than you're already expending now on here, just a few quid postage. And who knows, it might at the very least give the 2 at the top something to think about before the forthcoming 'season review'. If it even results in Pards himself rethinking his approach it will be worth it. With that in mind, it would need to be completed in the next week, to be shipped just after the Arsenal game. I'm busy today, but if anyone's interested in doing this, I might come back with further thoughts.