Alan Pardew

YYYYYYEEEESSS LADS. No that was a tough time. Tough defeat to Brighton when we were in a bad streak. We’d lost Demba Ba and the injury list was longer than a Steve Bruce takeaway order from Greggs. I wanted to kick on from when we got 5th but they bought me shite players. See ya later.

What a terrible game this has been. I’m opening a bottle of red. The kind of red you can buy when you get an eight year contract if you get me? See ya later.

Remember when I brought him on and he scored within a few seconds against spurs? Good times. He was shite though - that was the level of players The King had available.

Sell this lad while he’s worth something. Can’t pass, can’t cross.

Proper shite that Chelsea keeper.

I will text the lad some good London barbers.

Great manager. 4th in the league and one leg in another cup final already. Glass of red wine for me now. See ya later.

That is never a red for Joelinton. Stop being soft. It’s the Premier League ffs. Young Eddie been let down by his players here. Also your fullbacks are overrated. That Livramento is worse than Wan Bissaka going forward and he can’t cross or pass. Lewis Hall can’t defend. See ya later.

Proper shite that Hojlund lad. It’s the Norwegian Allsven for him in a few years. How is he Manchester United’s main striker?

I believe Young Eddie will win this one 2-0.

I should send my resume.

Look I may have said some things that were wrong and stupid in hindsight but you all would have done the same if you were frustrated with a loss and being asked those annoying questions from the reporters. The ball though… The King wouldn’t blame that.

Prefer my gig at talkSPORT over this nonsense. A Harry Potter character being interviewed by a man who by the looks of him just ate an entire McDonald’s. Not for me this.

YYYYYYYEEEEEEEESSSS LADS!!!!

That Rammes Hojlund is tragic. It’s the polish Ekstraklasa for that lad in 4 years time. I enjoyed watching Young Eddie defeat the Aussie yesterday. See ya later