Monkey Alan

Just what Mrs Howe needs. He already arranges the fridge magnets into starting line up shapes and draws loads of arrows and crosses on the bathroom mirror when it steams up.

or... Bowen knows Eddie can take him up two notches and he's sick of hearing about Britain's hardest bastards three nights a week.

I hope this rumour never rears its bald again.

Visually more palatable? As I said a few posts ago, that's a matter of preference.

Problem is, no one wants Anderson. He's tier 2 quality. We could probably get a good price for Miley though. He's going to be PL quality if he isn't already.

He looks a bit erratic based on my Dennis Wise scouting.

Preferably a really dodgy one that makes Liverpool piss their pants

He won't make it at Newcastle as long as he has a hole in his arse. Bottom end of the PL or 2nd tier awaits.

He's not as much of a crock as you think. His last 14 goals actually came from 246 appearances. Please be a curvescreen for some 19 year old Argentinian whiz kid we've got lined up.

Unsung hero of Keegan's Entertainers. I wish there were photos of her feelings the lads' auras.

If the thick lines overlap by 1 millimetre, it's offside. And if they are set apart by a gap of 1 millimetre, it's onside. I can't see how we're not still working with the tiniest of margins. You might have to draw a diagram for me.

Was it Edwards who broke the story last year that we were signing that Barella from Inter Milan just before we sneaked and bought The Gambler? Let's hope Amanda's stitched him up again.

It wouldn't cut down on tight decisions; it would merely change the point from which the measurement is taken. Toenails aside, I don't like the idea of allowing centre forwards to stand goalside of defenders and be able to play themselves onside by keeping a hand on the defender's wrist. That's just a personal preference though.

So millimetres between two thick lines instead of two thin lines, two feet or two chests? Whichever way you cut it, you're always going to have to ask your VAR men to make the finest of fine judgements.

Pet hate here but the people complaining about offsides never offer a workable alternative approach. Offside calls must be reduced to millimetres. There is no other way to do it. You can measure from the chest or foot or you can introduce daylight. You still have to make a decision based on the smallest margin we can hope to measure. Giving forwards 'the advantage' or 'a little bit of leeway' is no solution either, for how much do you propose to give? 30cm? 31cm? You'll still be faced with the matter of comparing this week's 'leeway' to last week's. Unless, of course, you just don't want to see VAR intervention, in which case, prepare yourselves for Man United and Liverpool scoring goals whilst 10 yards offside.

Gordon

He's been player of the year every year since he arrived. I like Joe and Wor Anthony but we're kidding ourselves saying their contribution ever surpassed Bruno's. I think it's borne of a semi-conscious desire to keep him grounded - like good parents or something.

Tonali Ginola Benitez Botman

I for one look forward to his new persona. Men's health guru? Ghost hunter? Muslim convert? Josephine Barton?

Pap. I'm built like Gareth Keenan. Should be an officially recognised disability.

If Gibson or Oliver had written it, they'd have mentioned Shergar or Lord Lucan.

His gait reminds me of Andreas Andersson. As he approaches fullbacks with ball at his slightly inward-pointing feet, he looks like he lacks confidence. Everything looks just a little bit too ponderous... until it isn't. When he can't beat the fullback and turns back towards Big Dan, his little kawaii-girl pivots - inside of right foot plays the ball while the left bends awkwardly inwards - are just like the floppy haired Swede's too. Of course, with wor Anthony it's deceptive, whereas poor Andreas was well out of his depth and knew it.

Apologies if it's been suggested before but it seems an obvious song choice to me You've got to know when to hold 'em, Know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away, When Sandro makes a run.

As I kicked open the door to the detonator room, I saw none other than current Nulcaster manager, Teddy Howton, standing with both hands firmly on the device. I knew I had just seconds to act, so I leapt into action the only way I know how - with a crunching sliding tackle! Howton hit the floor with a dull thud, like the sound of a car going over a speed bump too quickly. Incidentally, the Jag's modern push-rod suspension design allows me to traverse even the largest speed bumps without needing to reduce my speed in any significant way. I looked down at Howton - coiled, crumpled, convulsing. He had already failed massively at Bronmouth, relegating them to the second tier, and now he had failed at industrial scale mass murder.

Hope not. I'm hoping his 4th literary instalment is on the way now that his Saturdays are free. Detective-Football Manager, Steve Barnes, learns of a Saudi terror plan to blow up the stadium of his boyhood club on matchday. But does he owe it to the fans to thwart the deadly plot after the way they treated him? In a battle between heart and head, the seasoned gaffa is forced to make his most difficult decision yet!