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The Gospel According to Saint James


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Well I was looking forward to writing about summat other than the blinking North-East tragicomedy called 'Replacing Sam' but then someone whispered to me over the teatime pint that Kev was coming back.


I was coughing that pint out of my nostrils such was me delight. But then a Geordie pal came in with a leather-bound black book in his hand and he passed it solemnly over to me.


The book was called The Gospel According to St. James. He directed me to the following chapter. Maybe it is written in the stars.


'And lo it did come to pass that He That Would Love It, Love It, didst unto the barren wastes wander. And they that clad themselves in black and white, and named themselves after the the birds that steal, shall wander in the wilderness for one times 11 years.


And lo the land of the sainted James shall fall quiet, save for he that shall be called Shearer who didst among the faithful walk. Yet unto himself punditry didst call and on to a sofa retreated he to speak of lads and disappointments and top finishing.


Yet back to the Army of Toon who didst still loiter at the Gate of Gallow; for they shall have a new Master; and thy Lord shall be Shepherd and oh how thou shall want over and over again. For Fred shall become a shepherd of managers.


From the north shall he summon a pestilence of Sourness and he from Dalg-land that shall speak Dalglish; from the East shall stride he that is Ruud, who couldst not with the Shearer lie; from the South shall come Roeder, and he shall from the corner of his mouth speak - and what he shall speak of shall be Bobbins.


And from the West shall the Allardyce arrive and with mighty haste shall he the birds of the air disperse with balls of prodigious height. And what shall come to pass will be a very long pass indeed.


And they that unto the ground shall still their pilgrimage make shall cry unto the Allardyce: "Of what though dost, thou knows not! Of what thou dost, thou knows not!"


And yea even though Sirbobby shall his own mark make, he too shall pass, for the Lord thy Shepherd shall not want anyone for he canst not a decision stick to, the big lardy pillock.

And yet as it was foretold, the man shall come againDerek 'Robbo' Robson


And for they that cast themselves in white and black uponst the day before the Sabbath (at around 3pm usually unless Sky's shifted it to some stupid time); for them shall come a man like them, dressed like them, full-bellied and pasty of face as are they.


And he shall be called Ashley. And though he be flipping rolling in it, shall he lie down with them that can a season ticket barely buy. And he shall the Allardyce banish.


And then shall from Pompey a man be summoned and he shall um and ahh and back out for he is no mug and he knows a sh**e job when he sees one. And besides, there are not wings enough to fly him from the sun to the place where the frost forever lies and thou shalt walk with thy 20 Regals turned in thy cap-sleeved T-shirt.


And thus shall it come to pass that all those that look on in wonder and mirth shall pour forth their scorn, yea especially the Smoggie and the Mackem, for lowlier though they art they are not t**s up nor never shall be, so help us God.


And into the Valley of Death stride the Army of Toon and those amongst them shall not revive them: an Owen shall rise but every nine months from his sick-bed but all too soon returneth; he that is named Duff shall be just that; and Joseph of Barton shall arrive upon his donkey and turn into an ass.


And yet as it was foretold, the man shall come again. Ay, and ye shall know him for he shall begin each sentence with the word "'Opefully". And he shall upon the Tyne walk, for he that didst exhilirate with footie most forward-thinking is returned.


And shall the Shearer be when asked if he could be a number two, answer in riddles: 'Number 1, I don't think I'd want be a Number Two and Number 2, I don't know if he'd want one.'


And lo, shall the Geordies get carried away and over-excited and descend upon the club shop which shall run short of the letter K for the replica shirts.


And shall the cupboard that once did house the Fairs Cup remain unbejewelled and shall the Geordie nutcases not a toss give for they shall sing the name of Messiah and he shall them entertain.


And yea though the rest of us snigger, we shall their footy envy and their defence ridicule and we shall, despite it being a decision of sentimental stupidity, wish the lad and his followers all the best.


And shall they turn over Arsenal at the Emirates in the fourth round? Shall they b******s.'


Brilliant :lol: :lol: :lol:

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