Moritz Volz's guide to becoming a footballer:

[ShearMagic]

Leddy is a good friend of mine and my “Goal Celebration Coach”, so he hasn’t had a lot to do lately. But being the great football philosopher that he is, he recently got to thinking about another aspect of the game that has rarely been studied. While endless column inches are devoted to discussing the rules of football, what about all of the unwritten rules that virtually all of us professionals obey without question? It’s a subject that had us talking for hours, ending our last coaching session in the park in the process. So I thought I’d share our findings with you, the good readers of The Times — and Leddy, I promise I’ll perfect the Mick Channon windmill by next time. . .

 

Before kick-off

 

— Any player being filmed leaving a team bus must ensure that he is wearing headphones and carrying a small Louis Vuitton wash bag.

 

— Players who once represented the same club must stop and chat animatedly to each other in the tunnel as they wait to come out, even if they never really spoke to each other when they played together.

 

— On the day of a cup final, players must walk on to the pitch in their club suit approximately 1½ hours before kick-off and touch the turf to make sure it is just like all the other grass they play on every week. At least one player must pick some and throw it in the air to gauge the wind direction even though it is May, very still, and, therefore, very unlikely to affect anything.

 

Scoring

 

— If a player mishits a good chance, he must look down and carefully examine the pitch, maybe even treading back in some turf, so that everyone knows he got a bad bounce. If it is a televised game, he should continually blow mucus out of his nose as the camera tracks him back to his own half.

 

— When a player makes a great assist only to see a teammate tap the ball in, he must stand well away from the celebrating players and wait for them to come over and individually congratulate him.

 

Corners and throw-ins

 

— All throw-ins must be taken at least ten yards farther up the pitch than where the ball went out. The referee is allowed to tell the player off, but only when he has exceeded ten yards.

 

— All corner takers must push the corner flag to one side, regardless of whether it gets in the way. They must also raise a hand before taking the kick, irrelevant of where they intend to send the ball.

 

Free kicks

 

— Two or more players should always dispute who will take a free kick, even though they have spent an entire week on the training ground working out who will take them.

 

— When a player has conceded a free kick, he must pick up the ball and run several yards before dropping it behind him without looking. When a free kick is awarded and the referee places the ball in the required spot, it is essential to pick it up and place it down again at least six inches further forward, ideally with a backspin motion.

 

Offside

 

— When a player is judged offside and still shoots but doesn’t score, he must pretend he knew it was offside all along and didn’t really try to score at all. On the other hand, if he does score, he must act “outraged” and “robbed”.

 

— Any striker who is more than five yards offside must still either wag a finger or launch a tirade of expletives at the flag-bearing official.

 

Substitutions and injuries

 

— A player leaving the pitch on a stretcher must always be applauded, while players with equally serious injuries who are helped off by the physio must be booed.

 

— When water bottles are thrown on to the pitch while a teammate is receiving treatment, players must always squirt some out on to the grass before taking a sip.

 

— Players warming up along the touchline must always put their hands behind their backs and kick their heels up to touch them, even though they never do this in training or at any other time.

 

Goalkeepers

 

— Before kick-off, goalkeepers should always hang from the crossbar to check it does not have any cracks in it.

 

— Keepers must use the special adhesive power of saliva by spitting into their gloves as much as possible during games. They should also kick the soles of their boots against the post at least three times in each half.

 

— Goalkeepers should sprint into the opposition penalty box for injury-time corners, even if they have never connected with a header in their life.

 

Managers

 

— Any manager facing lower-league opposition in a cup game must describe the team he is facing as “well organised”.

 

— Assistant managers must be equipped with a blank piece of paper on which they can pretend to show substitutes the opposition’s tactical formation. In addition, assistants should shout and gesticulate in exactly the same way as the manager, only two seconds later.

 

Officials

 

— The referee must only blow for full time when the ball is in mid-air after a long goal kick.

 

— The fourth official must always check a substitute’s studs before he comes on, even though none of the studs of the players on the pitch were checked. It should be noted that no substitute in the history of football has ever been caught wearing “inappropriate studs” and no substitute has ever been refused access to the field of play because of a “stud check”.

 

— Fourth officials should always be of a smiling disposition when trying to calm infuriated managers back into the dugout.

 

[Fugazi]

Quality, Volz is an odd fellow, having seen an interview with him, and looking at his website.

[Wullie]

Some of those are quite good. I like the one about corners and raising a hand - presumably when our players do it, it's always a signal to the first opposition man of "get ready to head this away mate!"

[johnnypd]

 

love the bit about subs warming up or getting their studs checked.

[Fugazi]

— Players who once represented the same club must stop and chat animatedly to each other in the tunnel as they wait to come out, even if they never really spoke to each other when they played together.

 

Keepers always seem to acknowledge each other in the tunnel aswell, even if they have no connection at all.

[Wullie]

Haven't noticed the keepers kicking the post apart from Shay who seems to do it once every five minutes. The ball can be down the other end and you'll hear the post rattling and think "oh Shay's bored again"

[Flip]

Wow some you have to do though, i mean spitting on your glove makes the ball glue better and kicking against the post takes out all the grass or mud caught inbetween studs which can make u slip.

Studs are checked by referee before match. Not during halftime though which is quite stupid cause what if someone comes with golf shoes and does extremely dangerous studs?

[Guest justin99.]

kicking against the post takes out all the grass or mud caught inbetween studs which can make u slip.

 

you sure about that? 

[LooneyToonArmy]

do you have the link to that article? good stuff!

[ShearMagic]

do you have the link to that article? good stuff!

 

Nah I don't sorry mate, it's on another forum I post on.

 

I think it's from his column in The Times though.

[FrenchWilliam]

i mean spitting on your glove makes the ball glue better

 

Are you some kind of lizard or insect? What is this gluey mucus you spit?

[FrenchWilliam]

do you have the link to that article? good stuff!

 

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/columnists/article1658093.ece

 

I like one of the comments below the article:

 

When you get invited to write an article for a national newspaper, no matter how proud you are, you must not under any circumstances let any teammates know. Because if they find out, there are approximately 20 new nicknames to be had. They will also be the first to publicly respond to said article with comments like "I fail to see the point of this article!"

 

SD, London,

[Keefaz]

110% German.

[Keefaz]

Lol. His website's canny funny, tbh. I like his helpful German phrasebook:

 

Kannst du meine aermel abschneiden

Please can you cut the sleeves off my denim jacket

 

Die Technick ist super aber ich haette lieber einen Fiesta

I know the engineering is good but I'd rather have a Fiesta

 

Wo kann ich mir meine VokuHila Frisur blondieren lassen?

Where can I get my mullet highlighted?

[Thorpinho]

Such a quality guy, doesnt have a massive ego like a lot of footballers these days. You wouldn't see Frank Lampard cycling around London.

[Guest RodrigoPalacio]

hahah Fulham have got some legends in their team like.

[Syrette]

Jimmy Bullard and Moritz Volz, I'd love to hear some of their changing room banter.

[Guest alex]

Remember when Bullard said Olivier Bernard was the smelliest player he played against?

[Alberto2005]

Remember when Bullard said Olivier Bernard was the smelliest player he played against?

[Fugazi]

Remember when Bullard said Olivier Bernard was the smelliest player he played against?

 

 

[Guest alex]

You've got to like Bullard. Even if he does look like the kid off 'Mask'.

[Flip]

i mean spitting on your glove makes the ball glue better

 

Are you some kind of lizard or insect? What is this gluey mucus you spit?

 

Haha, dude saliva no mucus trust me works. Played my first match as goalie and thanks to that lil spitting i saved a penalty and we beat the top in the league, in a veterans league. Yey!

[ShearMagic]

i mean spitting on your glove makes the ball glue better

 

Are you some kind of lizard or insect? What is this gluey mucus you spit?

 

Haha, dude saliva no mucus trust me works. Played my first match as goalie and thanks to that lil spitting i saved a penalty and we beat the top in the league, in a veterans league. Yey!

 

So because you spat in your gloves you saved a penalty?

 

Had nothing to do with the fact that you dived the right way and stuck your arm out, or it was just a shite penalty?

[M4]

Remember when Bullard said Olivier Bernard was the smelliest player he played against?

 

 

 

Remember that one. Fantastic video, Bullard comes accross as such a total freak

[Guest marky555]

Felipao91 are you having a laugh?