1. Dimitar Berbatov – It’s not been going particularly well of late for Manchester United’s £30m Bulgarian, whom many United fans see as breaking up last season’s dynamic attacking unit, and tamely farting a penalty at Tim Howard in last Sunday’s FA Cup semi-final against Everton hardly helped matters.
2. Deco – The £8m Portuguese midfielder looked unstoppable in his first few games for Chelsea but has since disappeared in a ‘mercurial’ puff of smoke. You might say that Scolari dropped a Ballack.
3. Jimmy Bullard – Phil Brown’s Hull City (PBHC) paid Fulham £5m for the decent but injury-prone midfielder in the hope that it would arrest their slide down the table but, sure enough, Bullard inured his knee just 37 minutes into his first game and will now miss the rest of the season. Poor PBHC.
4. Paul Robinson – It’s entirely appropriate that the former England goalkeeper was Paul Ince’s first signing for Blackburn as this piece of business is a perfect representative microcosm of Ince’s reign – rubbish. It appears that £3.5m Robinson has at some point during the last few years been struck by lightning, while the irksome Ince’s subsequent sacking keeps him happily out of both sight and mind. Allardyce next, please.
5. Dave Kitson – Stoke paid a club record fee of £5.5m to take the striker from Reading, in the hope that his goals would fire them to safety. 16 games and no goals later – and having accrued the nickname ‘Dave S***son’ – he was loaned back to Reading.
6. Jo – The Brazilian striker represented £19m down the drain for Manchester City but, somewhat uniquely, could also be in line for shrewdest signing of the season given the goals he’s scored since moving on loan to Everton in January. Given that the Toffees are unlikely to be able to afford to make his move permanent, it will be interesting to see what happens next for this erratic young talent.
7. Fabricio Coloccini – How much, Newcastle? £10.3m?? Ouch, Newcastle. Ouch.
8. Xisco - £5.7m? Oh, Newcastle. Tut, tut, tut. Shall we mention Gutierrez and Nolan as well? Or just leave it? Let’s just leave it. They’ve suffered enough.
9. Scott Carson – Made a loan move permanent from Liverpool to West Brom for a fee of £3.75m but it’s fair to say he hasn’t much impressed. In fact, he’s made some howlers so howling that every dog within a 50-mile radius joined in in chorus. Still a young goalkeeper though, so time is on his side.
10. Robbie Keane – Despite the fact that Liverpool managed to recoup much of the £20m they paid Spurs for the Irish forward, and despite Benitez implying that the signing was not his idea, this was a bad ‘un. Could have been useful during the title run-in, given that David N’gog’s injury leaves Liverpool relatively light up front.
Honourable Mentions...
11. David Bentley – Continuing the merry-go-round of crap signings, Spurs paid Blackburn £15 million for the England midfielder, with up to an additional £2 million payable upon “future performances”. Spectacular goal against Arsenal aside, Bentley has been pretty dreadful. In a pleasing kind of way.
12. Borja Valero – West Brom paid a club record fee of £4.7m for Valero, who is apparently a Spanish midfielder who has made 29 appearances this season. Who knew? Anyway, Tony ‘Cup of Beans’ Mowbray insists that Valero is in his plans so, who knows, maybe you’ll see him about one day.
13. Anton Ferdinand – We could tell you how much Sunderland paid West Ham for Rio’s brother but it’s probably best you’re not sipping any coffee at the time. So…ready? Ok, here goes. Eight milli…**broadcast interrupted by sound of projectile spewing of coffee from mouths**
14. Johan Elmander – Sometimes, you just know a signing isn’t going to work out, even if you know little about the player being signed. You see his name, you see the fee, and you just get a feeling. Alfonso Alves, Corrado Grabbi, Georgios Samaras – meet Bolton’s £8.2m Swedish striker Johan Elmander. He is your brother now.
15. Tal Ben Haim – Mark Hughes’ £5m signing from Chelsea seemed like a good idea at the time, but it didn’t quite work out for the Israeli at Manchester City and he is now on loan at Sunderland where he could form an all-star centre-back partnership with Anton Fer…**pffffffffffffffffftttttttttt splutter**
