Ronaldo

Well, no, we weren't.

50. While staying in a New Zealand hotel, was told there was no bacon for breakfast. Replied, "What, all the sheep in this country and there's no bloody bacon!" 14. Set up best mate Jimmy 'Five Bellies' Gardner with a 'girl' he knew to be a transvestite. 27. Whilst dining in the prestigious Bedford Arms Hotel in Woburn with a few of his Geordie mates, decided to place his erect member on the shoulder of a diner at the next table. Thinking someone had tapped him on theshoulder the gentleman turned his head only to have Gazza's helmet prod him in the cheek. 6. Booked a series of sun-bed sessions for then-Newcastle team-mate Tony Cunningham. Who, of course, is black. 41. On his first night in Rome after signing for Lazio, gave his minder the slip, put his shoes by an open window and hid in a cupboard. The minder thought he'd committed suicide. 33. Bought a £1000 robot and programmed it to travel into Jimmy Five Bellies' room at Gazza Towers and announce: "Make a cup of tea, fat man." My personal favourites.

That list is f***ing hilarious, like.

You couldn't make it up.

A meaningless, dead-rubber away trip to Watford is a fine litmus test.

Are you taking the piss with that, David? Using that logic, they'll virtually all be gone before long.

More like ridiculous hype born from a player overachieving relative to age at the end of his career.

Nobody forced him to retire, like.

Lampard only has 60+ more career goals. Lots of 'deflections'.

At his absolute peak, Scholes. Lampard's greatness has lasted longer, though.

Nowt wrong with appreciating a great player.

And Alan Smith could do Cabaye's and Tiote's. Ranger could probably do Ba's too.

This will happen.

Yeah. Collectively they've achieved virtually nowt in domestic football.

Lampard has been absolutely dreamy for the last couple of months.

I don't agree with all that rubbish. It's the strikers that have been letting England down since Shearer retired, not the midfielders.

Barcelona have been poor away from home almost every time I've seen them this season.

Hennessey is hilarious.

That's an identical goal to the one scored by Bellamy away to Southampton in 2002-03.

Ancelotti, man. Jammy fucking bastards.

He's gone? For good?

Not Rodallega again.

Sack the board, man. What an absolute tosspiece.

Nah, I've never rated Williamson that much but he's admittedly decent cover.