Gottlob

If we're selling Longstaff I'd hope for something in the region of £30 million on a five-year contract. With the amortisation added, the amount we'd have to spend would beggar belief no less than it would defy expectation.

If we sell Trippier to Bayern for £20 million on a three-year contract by my own reckoning the amorterisation alone gives us £60 million to spend. That could buy four players worth £60 million on four year contracts or six players worth £60 million on six year contracts. It's an absolute no brainer, though I'm not sure Trippier's missus would be best pleased as every Oktoberfest he might find himself up to his ears in buxom Bavarian beauties!

I prefer to rewatch Seinfeld myself. A microcosm of New York City in which the globular becomes molecular. A reification of the mundane whereby the sheer matter of life and those interstices between dramas and other entertainments become the raw material of art itself. Even some thirty years later I laugh every time. And utterly impossible without the man whose name adorns the masthead. Still love you Jerry.

A large object, in this case taking the form of an older child, blocks out the sun causing the minor party to fade and wither. This was common parlance, otherwise known as 'scientific fact', until the late nineties when Richard Williams said 'watch out for Venus's sister'. Everybody scoffed and said 'no fuckin' way!' but then Serena Williams came along and from that point another idea has taken root, which holds that the younger is always the better sibling.

This is the long and short of it. Heading into the summer transfer window, I wanted us to buy a starting right winger, defensive midfielder and left back, then look towards cover at the striker and centre back positions. Instead we bought another left winger, an identikit centre midfielder, and an aspiring right back. I felt we'd found a bit of value in the transfer market and I was happy that we'd doubled down on our strengths, but it turns out I was right all along and should never have doubted myself.

When Denilson became the most expensive player in the world in the late nineties, it seemed inevitable at least to me that he'd be Brazil's next big flair player, tearing it up for years to come alongside Ronaldo, Rivaldo and Roberto Carlos. Then Adriano briefly looked like he'd be the dominant striker of his generation given his pace, strength and that stonking left foot. It's a slightly different question but I remember Alexander Baumjohann being highly rated as a youth and for his potential on Pro Evolution Soccer, potential which seemed more likely to come to fruition when he was signed for a brief spell by Bayern Munich. For us Hugo Viana is the one that stands out. I still think he's one of the best passers I've seen and was ahead of the game when he joined us for the way he could pass the ball into feet and find space and look to build triangles. I still wonder how he'd have fared at the right club or a good few years later as ball retention and midfield threes became more popular. The other answer is obviously Adam Armstrong, who looked like and still very well might prove a reincarnation of Sergio Aguero.

'Pagliuca' is synonymous with 'goalkeeper' for me, probably because the 1994 World Cup was the first major international tournament that I was old enough to grasp. I have fond memories of all the big names from that tournament, like Maradona, Stoichkov and Hagi, then Bebeto, Dunga and Aldair from Brazil, plus their goalkeeper Claudio Taffarel, who I didn't realise was now with Liverpool. From the same era I remember a Newcastle reserve game where a group of youths in front of me and my Dad spent pretty much the whole match drawling out 'Super Duper Hooper!'. And that we signed John Burridge a couple of times when he was in his forties and still plying his trade as an emergency goalkeeper. Plus caps were pretty common on goalkeepers in the nineties, which rightly or wrongly I particularly associate with the Americans Kasey Keller and Brad Friedel.

I'm glad we haven't had to see Allan 'Sicknote' Saint-Maximin perform any of his pointless stepovers this season, but on a positive note at least Harvey Barnes has had enough time to perfect the mental geometries of the one-two.

He's going to eat his asshole alive and there's no two ways about it. He's. Going. To. Eat. Eddie. Howe's. Asshole. Alive.

Yep. I don't know why so many people still don't get this. Al-Rumayyan is the type of guy who'll spend well over $3 billion solely in a bid to secure Augusta National membership. He's a reasonable man and I'm sure will have tempered expectations for this season, but if he was planning on attending the Champions League final in Munich as the special guest of honour next year and we don't make the grade, you'd better believe that using your own terminology for a second, he'll eat Eddie Howe's asshole alive, and then probably run down the chain of command until his appetite is sated.

I went to a baseball match in America once and really enjoyed one of those Philadelphia cheese steak sandwiches. Is there any chance that in a new stadium there'd be something like a sandwich stall where we'd be able to get one of those Philadelphia cheese steak subs, and then go back to our seats and eat it with enough room to neither infringe on the next person's arm space or get any of the juice on our trousers?

It's a shame it has to be this way, but the best we can probably hope for now is that he heals up well, comes on as a sub for a round of applause in the last game of the season, then proves fit enough for us to sell on in the summer for a handsome profit. It's like Lord Byron said, 'Fare thee well, Nick Pope! And if for ever, still for ever fare thee well'.

You wish for my own sake that I was on the wind-up!

He was excellent for three of our goals yesterday, but Adam Armstrong scored another cracker for Southampton, so right now I'd say they're running neck and neck. Can you imagine these two studs playing together? But given his form so far this season, it is fair to say that swapping Gordon for Armstrong in the summer, even on loan, wouldn't have been the right move. It would have been like robbing Peter to pay Paul. If we still want to snag Adam Armstrong on a cut-price deal, I reckon we'll have to use Harvey Barnes now as the makeweight.

When I posted previously about Anthony Gordon he was indeed our seventh-choice wide player - behind Almiron and Murphy on the right hand side and Saint-Maximin, Isak and some combination of Joelinton and Willock on the left, which is not to mention Elliot Anderson - and heading into the summer I saw a player low on form who could have used a confidence-boosting spell in the lower division. If you see the wonders which Eddie Howe has wrought with Gordon I ask couldn't he have achieved the same sort of results with Adam Armstrong, especially since as I've already mentioned in some of the aspects of his game as well as the general vicinity of his height he bears a marked resemblance to Sergio Aguero? But you can all continue to laugh, knowing that your laughter and japes bear the stench of gallows humour given that the opportunity to sign Adam Armstrong (for some cash plus Anthony Gordon on loan) has surely passed us by now that he's back banging those goals in for Southampton. Regarding the left back conundrum, I've also been a longtime admirer of Jeffrey Schlupp. Granted that stretches back to the time before time, which is to say pre-Saudi takeover. But if we could schlepp Schlupp from Leicestershire in the January transfer window way up north, he might still be able to get his Swedish spark out just in time for the sledding season.

It's alright saying that now that it hasn't happened, which you might say is like being a 'wiseman' after the fact. But I hearken back to the early summer of '23, when Anthony Gordon was still seen as a player out of form and it seemed like everything was possible.

Calvert-Lewin is a load of shite. The striker situation should have been sorted in the summer with the return of Adam Armstrong and Anthony Gordon probably going the other way on loan as a makeweight. As it turns out injuries and his own commitment and good form have made Gordon a crucial part of the first team, but we all know how much a side suffers from a lack of focal point up top. Adam Armstrong is a proven goal-getter albeit at a lower level of the game, he's home grown and wouldn't mind playing backup and he's also just one centimetre shorter than Sergio Aguero.

That's the last thing I'd want as my abiding memory of Paul Dummett.

Anthony Gordon had played 800 minutes of Premier League football and scored no professional goals when Eddie Howe was appointed Newcastle manager, which belies the idea that he'd wanted him for years and finally got his man. Since Gordon became a Premier League regular at the start of the 21/22 season he has managed a goal or assist every 421 minutes, whereas Adam Armstrong in at least an equally poor situation for Southampton has managed a goal or assist every 389 minutes. Far from being overburdened with pressure, rarely can less have been expected of a £40 million player who apparently wasn't supposed to start games, provide any assists, or score any goals. He's currently our seventh-choice wide player, which is generous because he's unfairly limiting the appearances of Elliot Anderson. And as a Scouser he's probably already past his physical peak, just like Robbie Fowler, Michael Owen, Wayne Rooney, Neil Mellor, Jack Rodwell, and Ross Barkley before him.

It's easy to make glib comparisons. Some people might say that as a wide midfielder, he plays like Adam Armstrong stacked on the head of Shane Ferguson. Others might argue that all big clubs make signings of this ilk, pointing to Jack Rodwell at Manchester City or Ross Barkley at Chelsea. For my part though he reminds me of one of Bobby Robson's earliest signings, who arrived at Newcastle already having made quite a name for himself, by whom I mean none other than Daniel 'The Wolf' Cordone.

Awful. 'Newcastle calling, Speak the slang now. Boys says "Howay man!" Girls say "Why aye man." Newcastle calling, Speak the slang now. Boys say "Howay man!" Girls say "Why aye man." Slam! Garang-Garang-Garang Gara-Gara-Gara Rang-Garang-Garang (repeat chorus ad infinitum)'

We could easily spend £150 million in the summer on a couple of centre backs, an attacking midfielder, and a centre forward going by our targets in January and the nature of today's prices. Perhaps we'll have more of a structure in place then which will also allow us to pick up some prospects on the cheap, but I think people are overestimating our ability to dispense with half the squad in one transfer window. I'd be sorry to see Fernandez, Schar, and Sean Longstaff leave, and Dummett too though I've never really rated him. Some of the others like Ritchie and Clark have served their time, while Krafth has been a bit of a non-starter.

Every transfer will look better if we manage to secure Guimaraes, who is a big name for a big fee and exactly what we need in the centre of midfield. £10 million for a left-footed, versatile, and experienced centre back who has been performing well for Brighton in that light sounds like a steal, even if he's not among our preferred choices.

Based on his performances last season for West Ham, when his contract expires Lingard could probably have his pick from a handful of clubs with European aspirations. Why come to a club in the middle of a relegation battle for six months on loan and potentially wreck your value?

He occupied their defenders and was a presence up front. At half time he polished off the last of the oranges, and he was a warm body on the bus back home.