Optimistic Nut Posted August 3, 2007 Share Posted August 3, 2007 August Allardyce comes into the new season having completed an eventful summer which saw Barton, Rozehnal, Geremi, Viduka, Dragutinovic, Cacapa & Smith all arriving at St James’ Park. “I feel I have the players on the pitch, now I need my own men behind the scenes”. Sam Allardyce’s close friend Peter Reid becomes First-Team Coach in a move which stuns the Newcastle fans. Edmilson signed on a 3-year deal from Barcelona, despite not being ready to play until November at the earliest. New chairman Chris Mort shows off to The Evening Chronicle, dismissing claims that he doesn’t have the footballing knowledge to run a football club. “My aim is to get this club up towards the Play-Offs. We should be competing with the likes of Tottenham Forest and West Ham Rovers this season no bother”. On the eve of the opening day of the season, Allardyce dismisses talk that he will be bring the famous long-ball game to Newcastle which brought him his success at Bolton. After a scrappy 1-0 win at Bolton after a David Rozehnal 70-yard punt up field bounced over everybody and into the net, Sam Allardyce admits that he still had concerns and that he needed more backroom staff. Allardyce raises spirits on Tyneside by confirming Owen should make the bench for the Aston Villa game. Owen comes off the bench to secure a last minute equaliser to maintain Newcastle and Sam Allardyce’s unbeaten start to the campaign. Sam Allardyce brings in staff member number 15 to the club, as Nicky Clarke is appointed Personal Hairdresser to the Coaching Staff. The month ends with a 0-0 draw at The Riverside, while an under-strength side goes down 1-0 at Doncaster in the Second Round of the Carling Cup, despite Allardyce’s insistance that he was taking the cups very seriously this year. September In a bid to raise team spirit after a 3-game winless streak, Allardyce appoints another member of staff as Ken Dodd is appointed as “Club Comedian”. Ken Dodd taken to the RVI to have his tickle-stick removed from up his backside, after Dragutinovic didn’t see the funny side of being tickled. “Drago” rubbishes tabloid stories that he doesn’t have a sense of humour, “I laughed as much as the next person when Simba’s dad was killed in the Lion King”. After ending the winless streak thanks to a 2-0 win at home to Wigan, Allardyce expresses his disappointment at the lack of atmosphere being generated inside of St James’ Park on a matchday. Sam Allardyce makes another valuable addition to his backroom staff as local lad Jimmy Nail is appointed as “Chief Chant Co-Ordinator”. Christopher Mort declares himself satisfied with the way Newcastle have started the Premiership campaign. “It’s important for the fans that we win the Derby match at Pride Park next week. I know how important it is to the fans to beat the local rivals”. Although the unbeaten league run continues, 3 draws in 5 matches means Newcastle sit in 8th position early on in the campaign after a dour 0-0 draw at Derby. Michael Chopra shows glimpses that he can become a Premiership hit and show Newcastle what they’re missing as he has his first attempt at goal of the season for Sunderland. Newcastle’s unbeaten record goes on after a 1-0 home win against West Ham. Scott Parker spun 1440 degrees before falling over dizzy allowing a clear run at goal for fit-again Michael Owen. Joey Barton stuns the Newcastle squad and staff by punching Terry McDermott seemingly unprovoked. Dragutinovic rolls around uncontrolably with laughter. A club insider reveals to Alan Oliver in the Chronicle that Barton attacked McDermott as he felt he “wasn’t Scouse enough”. Alan Oliver writes a 4 page inside pullout telling the Geordie nation to get behind McDermott as he is an adopted Geordie and that Barton will never pull on a black and white shirt again. Later that evening on Sky Sports News, Barton & McDermott seen kissing and making up saying “it was a Scouse thing”. Allardyce dismisses talk Barton will be sacked by the club, and hands Barton the captain’s armband on a full-time basis. The month ends in defeat as Newcastle go down for the first time in the league at Manchester City, but finish the month in a respectable 6th. October Edmilson starts training with the first-team for the first time, and is expected to be in contention by the end of the month. A light-hearted moment as a streaker invades the pitch with “Luv U Sam” written across her chest during the 1-0 win against Everton, much to the amusement of the fans and players inside the stadium. Dragutinovic sent-off for violent conduct after sything down the streaker with a crunching two-footed lunge. “There’s no room for humour in football. This is a serious business”, he tells the media in a Press Conference after the match. Allardyce admits to the media on the eve with the clash with Spurs that he’s struggling to plan for the game as he doesn’t have a clue which midfielders will start for them. Mystic Meg joins Sam Allardyce’s ever increasing backroom staff as Predictor Scout, a move which pays off as she correctly predicts three of the midfielders lining up for Tottenham that day, winning Allardyce £10. Despite the psychic addition to the club, Spurs hold out for a 1-1 draw. Chris Mort comes out in praise of his next opponents Reading. “They’ve came a long way in such a short space of time. I remember watching them against Newcastle on the TV a few years back in the Third Round of the FA Cup when they were just a small non-league club”. No such nicities from Allardyce’s men on the pitch though as the impressive start to the season continues with a thumping 4-1 win at the Madejski Stadium. After gaining the idea from the previous stadium his side had just played in, a poll votes 98% against the chairman’s plans to rename St James’ Park - “Mort Court”. He promptly drops the idea. November Chopra wins over the Sunderland faithful and comes into form ominously the week before the first Tyne-Wear derby the following week, as he forces a stunning save to come within a whisker of his first Sunderland goal. A hard-fought 1-0 win at home to Portsmouth saw Newcastle rise into the top 4 for the first time since April 2004. Edmilson makes his comeback for the reserves and comes into contention for the derby match at the weekend. Mike Ashley given a standing ovation by the travelling Newcastle fans as he attends his first Newcastle United match of the season as Newcastle edge to a 2-1 win. No sign of Chris Mort in his usual place alongside Allardyce though. Chris Mort caught on camera outside an empty Pride Park with a puzzled look on his face. Newcastle unveil plans to extend the stadium’s capacity to 60,000. Barry, Moxey, Dennis and the boys are employed by the club to oversee the re-development of the Gallowgate End. The month ends in defeat however, as Newcastle go down 2-0 at home to Liverpool, ending the month in 6th position. December Freddie Shepherd back in the headlines as he becomes sole owner of Greggs. “This is a proud day for me, to become owner of a true Geordie bakers.” The month opens with a 1-1 draw at Blackburn, Edmilson making his debut as a second-half substitute. The transformation of Michael Chopra from Geordie reserve striker to Mackem hero was complete as he notched his first goal for Sunderland in only his 14th appearance. Back-to-back wins over Birmingham and Fulham got Newcastle’s season back on track as they moved into 5th in the table. Allardyce brings in the 35th member of his backroom staff as David “Cheap as Chips” Dickinson is employed as Club Shopper to do the squad’s Christmas shopping over the busy footballing period. A shock defeat at home to Derby which saw Alan Smith sent-off proved to just be a blip in the month, as a 2-0 win at Wigan and a stunning 2-1 win at Stamford Bridge saw Newcastle maintain 5th position. Chris Mort speaks: “I’m very happy with how things are going. We will be looking to improve on the squad in the January window to help ensure this club gets to where it belongs in the European Conference next season. This club deserves to be up there with Dynamo Milan & Real Barcelona”. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
NSG Posted August 3, 2007 Share Posted August 3, 2007 Quality, loved this stuff last year. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mowen Posted August 3, 2007 Share Posted August 3, 2007 Class. “Drago” rubbishes tabloid stories that he doesn’t have a sense of humour, “I laughed as much as the next person when Simba’s dad was killed in the Lion King”. Joey Barton stuns the Newcastle squad and staff by punching Terry McDermott seemingly unprovoked. Dragutinovic rolls around uncontrolably with laughter. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
S.S.R. Posted August 3, 2007 Share Posted August 3, 2007 Must be good, as I usually can't be arsed to read anything that long. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
James Posted August 3, 2007 Share Posted August 3, 2007 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest stb654 Posted August 3, 2007 Share Posted August 3, 2007 Haha nice one Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LucasUnger Posted August 3, 2007 Share Posted August 3, 2007 r u bored? nice though Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nobody Posted August 3, 2007 Share Posted August 3, 2007 Drago is one wierd man... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest stb654 Posted August 3, 2007 Share Posted August 3, 2007 "Allardyce raises spirits on Tyneside by confirming Owen should make the bench for the Aston Villa game." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taylor Swift Posted August 3, 2007 Share Posted August 3, 2007 :lol: some fantastic bits in there! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rocker Posted August 3, 2007 Share Posted August 3, 2007 Very good mackems.gif Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gallowgate Toon Posted August 3, 2007 Share Posted August 3, 2007 The Dragutinovic bits are especially hilarious. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Knightrider Posted August 3, 2007 Share Posted August 3, 2007 FINISH IT Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Optimistic Nut Posted August 3, 2007 Share Posted August 3, 2007 I've hit a "creative block". Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mowen Posted August 3, 2007 Share Posted August 3, 2007 Not only funny, but enjoyable to read somehting that isn't about transfers/the board/petty bickering. Exact same reason I bumped T27's thread yesterday! Look forward to reading the second half... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest optimistic nit Posted August 3, 2007 Share Posted August 3, 2007 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest optimistic nit Posted August 3, 2007 Share Posted August 3, 2007 do we have last years one by the way? must be in the archives somewhere. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamie Posted August 3, 2007 Share Posted August 3, 2007 Qualtity ! Must have taken you hours to come up with something as good as that Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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