OzzieMandias

if you can work out the year we may be able to work out which match it was Match? The seagull's arse and his face.

I remember when I was a kid on holiday in Robin Hood's Bay, and all the kids had these plastic "Sekiden" guns that shot plaster pellets. At kid level the whole village would divide into gangs who'd have gunfights with each other. Me and my brother discovered the guns would also shoot these sweets called Sherbet Pips, and they sting a lot more than the ordinary pellets when you got someone with one. So we were firing at these kids on the sea wall, but missed and hit these much bigger lads by mistake, who were fucking furious, and started chasing us. RHB is a maze of little alleys and stairways. These lads could have easily minced us, but we were small and quick, and knew the village well, and soon we'd lost all but one of them. The biggest one. A real brute with huge arms. He could have been the model for Biffa Bacon. Me and my bro were getting tired and there was this horrible moment, just near the Dolphin Hotel, where he was coming up behind us and we just knew we were going to get caught any second and given a serious kicking... And then a seagull shat on his head. A great gob of noxious white slime. He was dripping with the stuff, cursing and swearing, and stopped running, waving his big arms around in rage, while we scampered off, laughing our little heads off. Would have been much funnier if he wasn't English, like.

He won't give you an answer because whatever the amount is he'll want to whinge later that it's not enough.

Fair enough to boo him. Every pantomime needs a villain. He knew he'd get it if he ever pulled on that shirt.

Hey, so Mort and the Freddie Shepherd fan club have lots in common!

I don't know what this argument is about, really. The last lot had their chance and fluffed it. The failure to capitalise on the wonderful work done by Sir Bobby, coupled with a series of poor managerial appointments, led to a period of decline from which we only now have a chance of emerging because of a new broom in the boardroom and investment sufficient to clear some of the debts Shepherd had built up. He's history. And no one in their right mind is shedding any tears over the fact. The new lot are still getting settled in. They seem to have got all their key people in place and are apparently thinking long-term, which has to be welcome news to anyone who cares for the future of the club. If it all means leaving behind knee-jerk, sell-a-season-ticket signings (or the hype of attempted signings such as Rooney or Ronaldinho) in favour of a sustained, intelligent and realistic period of squad-building and investment under the right manager, then that is good news. I'm more optimistic right now than I have been since just before we lost to Partizan, five long years ago. It's dumb to rant and roar about the new lot before they've even got through their first proper transfer window. So far they're doing all right.

So he appeases the fans with managers not players then? Yeah, I was just thinking about that.

The timing and nature of the managerial change was a risky gamble -- but happily it seems to have paid off.

A cross between that and a fundamentalist Muslim, preposterously overreacting any time he considers his idol has been slighted.

So you've given up the absurd insistence that you are always right? Or does this only apply when you can't think of a less lame excuse for one of Shepherd's numerous fuck-ups?

People do falter and fall, not always through any fault of their own. I had a period a few years back where in quick succession I lost my job, split up with my girlfriend, a friend was murdered, my best friend died, and then my dad died too. I could easily have gone under after all that if I hadn't had a lot of support from other friends and family. And when you're trying to pull yourself out of a deep hole, encouragement can count for a lot.

Freddie's dead -- daah da-da da-da da-da

Where does it say they're giving free tickets to thieves?

As long as they're not Muslim drug addicts.

Nitrous oxide, I think. A mate of mine nicked a canister of it from the lab when we were at college. Hid it in a locker so we could stop by and have a quick inhale from time to time. Weird stuff. You just have to laugh at things, even though they're not funny.

You get a dose of nitrogen with every breath you take, man. An extra big one when you yawn.

bite ? Rather toothlessly, of course.

Knew you'd bite that one. Knew you'd have no coherent answer, either.

Whoever is counting the beans, I'm sure the new lot won't do anything as moronic and selfishly short-sighted as not strengthening the squad the summer before a CL qualifier.

Shepherd is history, but Westwood and McKeag are pre-history.

I am crushed.

He's not chairman.

Moi?

Hmm. Tricky one...

Keegan told him that Manchester was nearer to France.