Ketsbaia

So that's 2 horrific weeks in a row for me, I'm 2.5 millionth in the world It's been a disaster on a scale I never thought was possible - no clean sheets, only one goal so far, most of my players (Hazard, Ritchie, Jones, Huth, Courtois) are in the process of losing value etc. It's a team steeped in logic but it's too early to wildcard. A shocking start.

Mackem fans can just flirt via baby monitor, then go up afterwards.

I thought Borini was on the verge of joining Fiorentina?

Totally forgot Danny Simpson. I'm happy with that

Joe Gomez is set to rise tonight, followed by Darmian and Mahrez.

I think Lee Ryder did Brendan Rodgers' sticker.

Good use of the Jetro Willems money.

And the media hates us, we see it every day. Those deluded Geordies think they should be top 4, King Pardiola etc.

That better not be instead of Alex Song

Other fans and pundits claim that Cabaye to Palace was this summer's most impressive transfer, but this blows it out of the water for me. Shaqiri to Stoke is unreal, I'm incredibly jealous.

Somebody triple captained Mahrez, jammy bastard.

Looks like it - there was some debate whether it'd be him or Hennessey. Guess which one is my back up to Courtois

Imagine if he had a Japanese strike partner!

No, wildcards are a week of unlimited transfers. Use it when your team needs a major operation.

I took so long preparing this team and there's so many players I want instead - Ayew, Wijnaldum, Joe Gomez, Oxford, Payet, Mahrez, Albrighton etc.

Have we been linked with Krejci recently? We were earlier this summer but I'd really like him here, he'd be a good crosser for Mitrovic and possibly Austin.

I'd be absolutely gutted if he goes there. Signing of the summer.

I like him

This weekend really is disastrous Might just scrape 30pts.

19 from 7 players Fucking Courtois and those non-producing pricks.

You could almost script that I have Courtois I've barely cracked double figures here.

We're so jinxed

Was thinking of Albrighton but went to Ritchie instead.

This isn't going particularly well. Especially now Huth's clean sheet is gone.

It's going to keep coming up roses for him, isn't it?