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12 - Deadline Day

The Prophet

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Yes me friends with everyone at lectures, me currently up to date with work and with no TV, boredom has struck again. After a tired attempt at something similar at an earlier date I've yet more zany information about how events unfolded on deadline day, below is the first installment:


The following takes place between 5:00 A.M and 8:00 A.M:




*Phone rings*


A hand rises from the sheets thumbing for the phone. Knocking beers cans and cake wrappers from the sideboard Joe finally gets there. “We have a problem” states a calm, collected voice. “For f***s sake, I’ll be right there” Joe retorts.


“Who was that?” mumbles a tired but clearly satisfied Damien. “Oh it was nothing” explains Joe. “Look I have a right to know, I don’t just do this for my place in the team” Damien tries to argue, but it’s too late Joe has already left the room.


He hops in his car and drives away.




Joe arrives at the snow covered park. After hurriedly parking up he waddles across the thick white blanket until he reaches a large building towards the back of the park, he hurriedly pushes open the door. “What took you so long?” Asks a clearly disgruntled Dennis sat, feet up on the desk. “f***ing Traffic. What did you want?”


“As I said we have a problem” says Wise rising to his feet.


“What kind of problem?” asks an annoyed looking Joe.


“It’s all gone a bit tits up” explains Dennis. “As you may not have known Derek and I have been doing some work in Brazil. Mike asked us to do so in case you couldn’t deliver the goods.”


“What?” Bellows Joe.


Dennis glares at him then continues: “As I was saying, Mike asked us to do some work in Brazil in case, you know, we are where we are now. We were due to fly back with a couple of players last night but it all went belly up.”


Joe composes himself “And how the f*** did that happen?” he enquires.


“Well the lads suggested going to the bar for a couple of quiet drink before the flight. Anyway we got talking and when we told them our destination they laughed in our faces, downed there drinks and left. We followed them but Derek had a nervous break down, I tried to talk sense into him but he wouldn’t have it.”


“So what did you do?” asks Joe


“Well I lost my temper.”


“And?” Barks an increasingly annoyed Joe.


"Well I ended up knocking seven shades of s*** of him” says Dennis, breaking into a nervous smile.


“So where the f*** is Derek now?”


“Well I took him to the local hospital and legged it. Look I brought you here because we need a plan C, Mike is on his way now and we need answers and a couple of fresh ideas. Ryan is due to drive over later but we need more” explains Dennis.


“You’re a c***.” Joe Exclaims. “Mike is scared of you, you know it and I know it, you’re the brains of the outfit and you need my help, f*** you.”


Joe tries to storm out of the room. “Stop” cries Dennis. “I know about you little secret, you know you and Damien, there can only be one reason he gets his place in the team, care to explain?” says a smug Wise.




“f*** indeed. Now your going to help me like it or not” says Dennis. Now Mike will be here in a couple of hours and he’ll bring with a media circus we need something by then.” Dennis tells an anxious looking Joe.


“What do you want me to do?”


“Not only do we need to appease Mike but we need to get the fans back on our side, we need a trophy signing. Now you going to see a bloke called Freddy, used to run this joint, he should be able to tell you everything you need about how to make a trophy signing, I’ll wait here for Mike don’t let me down, you know the consequences” says Dennis raising his tone.


Joe storms away muttering to himself.




Joe arrives at the destination given to him by Dennis. Before him sits two towering gates protecting a huge mansion, a host of limited edition cars sit out on show, massive gardens are decorated by the falling snow. “Not bad” Joe witters to himself.


He gets out of the car ringing the buzzer on a speaker connected to the brick towers on which the gates rest. “Who is it?” barks a voice.


“It’s Joe, Dennis sent me, he said you could help us make a trophy signing.”


The voice sniggers. “That time of the year again is it? I’m retired”


“Look you f***ing c*** I drove all the way out here, I want answers” shouts Joe.


The voice continues to snigger. “What the f*** do you take me for, an idiot? I left that sinking ship for a reason, I owe it nothing.”


“What?” asks a baffled Joe.


“I pumped money into that club, we got into Europe more times than any other team outside the top four, I mean where did it go wrong? I even appointed a manager who won four titles with two different clubs and three manager of the year awards, I tried everything. I owe it nothing.”


“Come on give me something” begs Joe.


“Ok, OK, if I ever wanted a trophy signing, I’d go a guy who goes by the name of Willy, let me get you his address.”


Joe hops back into his car satisfied, he drives off to the new location given to him by Freddy.


Back at base Dennis receives a phone call. “Joe just left” it says.


“Excellent news, now he’s out of the way we can kick thing up a gear” explains a delight Dennis.


“Look Dennis funds are really beginning to run short here this better come off.”


Dennis laughs: “Don’t worry Freddy, I’ve got everything under control.”


Things are hotting up on deadline day. Will Joe find the trophy signing to appease the fans? What are Wise and Freddy plotting? Find out in the following hours of 12.


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Dont f***ing bother with any more installments youve just wasted 5 minutes of my life, you boring c***


I like the cut of your jib.


What's a jib?


haha promote that man!



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Dont f***ing bother with any more installments youve just wasted 5 minutes of my life, you boring c***


I like the cut of your jib.


After reading the first installment he's only got himself to blame if you ask me.

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Joe arrives at the address where Freddy arranged for him to meet Willy, a run-down office block. After waiting round for a couple of minutes Joe here’s a voice calling him. “Hey over here” calls a smooth Scottish accent. Joe intrigued trots over. “Looking for an elusive trophy signing I hear” says Willy half talking have laughing. “I can’t believe my luck but I’m just your man, now if you come up to my office we can discuss things.”


Joe and Willy head for the office block.


Back at base Dennis hears a knock at the door. “Who the fuck” he mumbles to himself. Annoyed he slowly opens the door peeping round to see who’s there. “Hey Dennis got any news?” asks an excited journalist.


“Not now David” says Wise in a stern voice.


“Nothing at all?” enquires a desperate David.


“Give it a couple of hours Mike, Derek, Joe and Myself are all working our arses off at the moment, I’ll send you some sarnies and tea out courtesy of Mike.”


“Thanks.” Grateful, David bounces back across the field.


Wise leans against the closed door “They’re here already that’s all I fucking need” he whispers under his voice. He walks over to the desk picks up the phone and dials a number. “Is Mike on his way?” he asks. “Excellent news, you know what to do,” Dennis hangs up smug grin on his face.


Back at the office Joe and Willy are analysing player profiles. “Is he Irish?” asks Kinnear. “Don’t you want to know if he’s any good?” Willy retorts.


“Who’s this character? V-vee-l-lo-soo?” asks a tentative Joe.


“Oh he’s a real top of the range trophy signing, sign him and the fans will be dancing in the streets” Willy replies.


“Hmm sound risky, got any one who’s primed for a relegation scrap? Someone Irish maybe?”


Willy laughs. “Ok Joe your office is my office we need the player that is right for you, here I’ll go get another file and a cupa”


Through the back Willy makes a phone call to Dennis. “He’s a fucking moron” Willy hisses.


“Just keep him distracted I’ll give you a text when you’re free and clear.”


“Alright” replies Willy hanging up.


Dennis hears a knock at the door it’s Jeff and Tony. “Good to see you” he says smiling at Tony.


“What do you want us to with him?” asks Jeff.


“Right I’ll take some snacks over to the press over, you bungle him into the back” Dennis tells them.


The plan runs smoothly Dennis returns to the building. Inside is Mike tied up and gagged. Dennis lowers the gag. “What are you going to with me?” Mike squeals.


“Nothing so long as you do as you’re told” Dennis tells him. He then turns to Tony. “You can leave now, I’ll give you a call should I need anything.”


“Righto” says Tony who promptly leaves.


Back at Willy’s Joe has found his man. “So apart from the false leg and gambling problem he’s decent?” he asks.


“Yes, yes” says a smirking Willy, “fit for any kind of scrap.”


Joe drives off pleased with himself. Willy rings Dennis “he left early.”


“Man am I the only one with any kind of brains around here, make sure he doesn’t get back in time” demands Dennis.


Willy hangs up, gets in his car, and drives after Joe.



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