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Wind in me Willows


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A bedtime story for Toon fans  bluebiggrin.gif


Ratty and McMole were walking by the riverbank.  A little black and white boat drifted past with a great big fat toad on board.


"I'm the captain of this boat, me.  The crew were useless twats so I pushed them overboard.  Jump on board and save my boat before it's too late" said the fat Toad.


"But I don't know anything about rowing boats" said Ratty.  "And McMole here is only allowed outdoors under adult supervision."


"Fuck that.  There's no-one else so you'll have to do.  Anyway you're the crew everyone wants" said the fat Toad.


Ratty had always wanted to row a boat on the river but never thought he'd get the chance.  McMole just wanted to ride in the boat.  So Ratty and McMole jumped onboard.


Everything went well for a while.  The Fat Toad sat in the prow with a great big grin, waving to passers by and eating food from a hamper which he refused to share with anyone else.  He was very pleased with himself.  Ratty rowed for all he was worth and the black and white boat moved down the river.  McMole sat humming to himself and playing with his shoe laces.


But Ratty got tired and forgot what he was doing. 


"Come on you useless tosser" bellowed the Toad.  "Use your right oar.  No the left one.  Now both together.  For ****'s sake you're getting it wrong.  Look, use these shiny new oars I've bought instead, they're rolls royce oars those are!"


But Ratty hadn't done his rowing badges and didn't know what he was doing.  The oars the Toad had given Ratty were no good.  The boat ended up going round and round in circles with the fat Toad bellowing instructions.  Then the boat sprang a leak and drifted towards a big weir.  The Toad did nothing but bark instructions and Ratty had to bail and row at the same time.


"I'm in charge of rowing and I take full responsibility for it" said Ratty.


The little black and white boat drifted further towards the weir.  "I'm not panicking" said Ratty.   "It's not in my nature to panic".


McMole sang a merry song to keep everyone's spirits up and talked to the fish, who ignored him.


At this point the Fat Toad said "Fuck this, this boating lark is harder than I thought" and leapt onto the bank clutching his hamper.  "You've let me down, I'm very disappointed" he called to Ratty and McMole as the boat disappeared over the weir.  The little black and white boat then smashed to pieces and Ratty and McMole were drowned.


"Say what you like" said the big Fat Toad to anyone who'd listen "but boating with me is never boring."




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Brilliant. Now on youre next day off do Macbeth - When shall we three meet again? Is this a dagger I see before me? Out damn spot!

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