Keefaz

Fucking awful. Worst wall I've ever seen.

Also, it must be said, that Alex Scott would get it.

Kelly Smith, there. A foot like a traction engine.

What's with the taking the shoe off business? Is she a Toon Ultra in disguise?

Deserved. Think that lass with the massive afro's been pretty good for Japan, tbh.

There's definitely something slower about women's football. Not just the actual pace of the match but also the anticipation and decision-making. Some of these loose touches would have been punished in a men's game as the opposing player would be on it in a flash.

Second half's not so bad, actually. WHAT A MISS!

Should be level.

Rushing now. Long balls. Like watching the men.

Bit unlucky there. I think it's a concentration thing, as they all look decent enough but then fuck up inexplicably. Smith is a class above, tbh, the only player in this match that looks totally comfortable and composed on the ball.

I'm only going off this one match. I think it's the only one I've ever bothered watching. I'll be thinking 'This is OK', there's a nice build-up and then a cross will come in that's just woeful or someone will have a touch that's absolutely horrendous. And what was that Japan free-kick all about where they knelt down? Got a bit better now.

Compared to what though? I reckon you'd decided that before you started watching. England are doing alright in general. They Need to be more composed in front of goal mind. I dunno. I don't want to knock it, really. Most of the general play was fine, but anywhere around the goal is just pathetic, tbh. Crossing, shooting, throughballs, defending are all of a very poor standard.

I've revised my opinion. Kelly Smith is the only woman on this pitch that can actually play football to a decent level.

OK. I've given it 30 minutes. The standard of football's shit, I'm afraid.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FREE-KICK?!

Japfro? Unbelievable.

That RW looks alright. Going by the first few minutes, the Japans are going to get spanked.

He didn't have to--we only met briefly--nice of him, though.

We get these trials all the time. Mostly, the players turn out to be shite.

We're talking about an island about the size of Whitley Bay, hardly comparable to the spanking Argentina received.

I know nowt about it, but I hear Germany is the team to beat and England will probably disappoint. So, nothing changes there.

Get him to wear some NUFC stuff?

Christ.

Alan Partridge wouldn't be able to beat a monkey at tennis, so who cares what he thinks? some male journalists said something similar, so the England women's team challenged them to a match and well and truly spanked them. That was about 11-0 as well. So your saying the women's team of one of the greatest footballing nations on Earth is only as good as a team made up of fat journalists?

Because women are shit at both catching and throwing things.