Gash Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 http://crabfootball.wordpress.com/2009/08/03/nicolas-anelkas-autobiography-shocks-the-literary-world/ Chelsea forward Nicolas Anelka has the football world on tenter hooks with the imminent release of his audacious autobiography ‘It’s not me. It’s everyone else.’ Which critics are are already labelling ’shocking’ and ‘compelling.’ The book, which details Anelka’s rise from Parisian street urchin to World Cup winner certainly pulls no punches, firing broadsides at former team mates from Real Madrid, Arsenal, Manchester City, Paris St German, Liverpool and Galatasary. “I wasn’t accepted anywhere I went.” Says Anelka with heart breaking honesty. In it Anelka exposes the bullying tactics employed by multi national clubs world wide and holds a mirror to the ugly face of football. Some critics have even labelled it the sports equivilent to Nelson Mandela’s ‘Long Walk to Freedom.’ However none of the targets suffer the wrath of Anelka as much as former team mate Patrick Vieira, whom Anelka describes as a ‘world class git.’ In excerpts to be serialised in the Guardian Anelka reveals: “My career at Arsenal was going from strength to strength until the day I crossed Vieira, who was better known in the Arsenal dressing room as ‘Le Long.’ I was playing against Fulham at Highbury and I remember receiving a ball from Bergkamp, then rounding the keeper with ease and, with the goal wide open, somehow managing to screw the ball wide at the last minute. It only happened because the sun was in my eyes. It wasn’t my fault! Anyway Vieira gave me a glare and I knew I was in trouble, afterwards in the showers he tore into me and I just snapped, I knew I shouldn’t have, but I called him a ‘lanky limbed boombaclart.’ At first he just stared at me with his hollow eyes. Then….. WHAM! Just like that he slapped me across the face with his penis. Just once. But it knocked me back a few steps. It was like being struck by a wet kipper. No one could believe what they saw! Can you imagine how embarrassing it is to be smacked across the face with a 14″ pork sword in front of your team mates? It was the worst moment of my life. No one said anything for what seemed like an eternity, the silence was only broken when Ashley Cole asked “Is it my turn?” It was then I knew I had to leave. When Wenger found out what he’d done he merely high fived him and shouted “And that’s why he’s the captain. POW! Look at that thing!” Anelka’s book reveals how he only regained his confidence eventually playing alongside Paul Dickov at Manchester City. “He could fit it in a polo.” Anelka reveals. However not all are sympathatic to Anelka’s plight. Diagne N’dour, Vieira’s life long agent and business partner, described Anelka’s book as a ‘disgrace.’ N’dour wrote on his website that, if anything, Anelka should be privileged that he was allowed to touch Vieira’s chopper: “In our country it is a great honour to be shown, let alone come into contact with Patrick Vieira’s porridge chucker. Instead of painting my client as a tyrant Mr Anelka should be apologising for sullying my clients penis with his miserable, miserable face.” Patrick Vieira is yet to comment on these accusations. This is fictional. Copyright 2009 Crab Football. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
TRon Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 Like I give a shit. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fugazi Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 My reaction to this thread was the same as Alan Partridge's when Lynn sings "He's off to the BBC..." after he catches everyone looking in his "secret draw". Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasper Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 Finnish football commentator thought it was really in his book & talked about it during the Carling cup match Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newcastle Fan Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 Not bad Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bovineblue Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 http://crabfootball.wordpress.com/2009/08/03/nicolas-anelkas-autobiography-shocks-the-literary-world/ My career at Arsenal was going from strength to strength until the day I crossed Vieira, who was better known in the Arsenal dressing room as ‘Le Long.’ I was playing against Fulham at Highbury and I remember receiving a ball from Bergkamp, then rounding the keeper with ease and, with the goal wide open, somehow managing to screw the ball wide at the last minute. It only happened because the sun was in my eyes. It wasn’t my fault! Anyway Vieira gave me a glare and I knew I was in trouble, afterwards in the showers he tore into me and I just snapped, I knew I shouldn’t have, but I called him a ‘lanky limbed boombaclart.’ Obviously a Nile Ranger fan. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
maze Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 Just like that he slapped me across the face with his penis. Just once. But it knocked me back a few steps. It was like being struck by a wet kipper. No one could believe what they saw! Can you imagine how embarrassing it is to be smacked across the face with a 14″ pork sword in front of your team mates? It was the worst moment of my life. No one said anything for what seemed like an eternity, the silence was only broken when Ashley Cole asked “Is it my turn?” It was then I knew I had to leave. When Wenger found out what he’d done he merely high fived him and shouted “And that’s why he’s the captain. POW! Look at that thing!” Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Alan Shearer 9 Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 It almost reads like a parody. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
LiquidAK Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 So how far did everyone get before they realised it was a fake? Have to admit I believed up until the cock slap. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Interpolic Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 So how far did everyone get before they realised it was a fake? Have to admit I believed up until the cock slap. Til "this is fictional". Then I started thinking something was a bit fishy. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bad Mongo Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 Bah, I still believe every word of it. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carlito Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 Just like that he slapped me across the face with his penis. Just once. But it knocked me back a few steps. It was like being struck by a wet kipper. No one could believe what they saw! Can you imagine how embarrassing it is to be smacked across the face with a 14″ pork sword in front of your team mates? It was the worst moment of my life. No one said anything for what seemed like an eternity, the silence was only broken when Ashley Cole asked “Is it my turn?” It was then I knew I had to leave. When Wenger found out what he’d done he merely high fived him and shouted “And that’s why he’s the captain. POW! Look at that thing!” Pow right in the kisser! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Gh0StFaC3 Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 hahaha.. that was class !! I had my doubts, after this: "Some critics have even labelled it the sports equivilent to Nelson Mandela’s ‘Long Walk to Freedom.’ " The final straw was this though: "Can you imagine how embarrassing it is to be smacked across the face with a 14″ pork sword " Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gash Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 Initally i thought, this can't be real, but then i read the silence was only broken when Ashley Cole asked “Is it my turn?” now i think it may be... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
JH Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 So how far did everyone get before they realised it was a fake? Have to admit I believed up until the cock slap. Better than me I actually recoiled in shock when I read that. Then when I read "14″ pork sword" I thought shit, this isn't real Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Conjo Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 I thought it was real until I read the replies on here "What a fucking douche Anelka is" was my initial thought. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Stephen927 Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 Harsh by Vieria. It was a tough chance to take! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
garth Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 So how far did everyone get before they realised it was a fake? Have to admit I believed up until the cock slap. The same here then I started laughing so much when I read the "cock slap", 14 inch pork sword gave it away, everybody know's it's 5 inch wiener. :mackems: Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
nobby_solano Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 porridge chucker brilliant stuff! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattynufc Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 Quality. I was actually believing it and struggling to work out how Viera managed to cockslap Anelka in the face when standing up. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
MW Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 Quality. I was actually believing it and struggling to work out how Viera managed to cockslap Anelka in the face when standing up. Me too Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chase Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 Quality. I was actually believing it and struggling to work out how Viera managed to cockslap Anelka in the face when standing up. I went as far to think Anelka was on his knee's in front of him. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jill Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 In it Anelka exposes the bullying tactics employed by multi national clubs world wide and holds a mirror to the ugly face of football. Some critics have even labelled it the sports equivilent to Nelson Mandela’s ‘Long Walk to Freedom.’ Had my suspicions here like. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
nobby_solano Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 there's another couple of class links on that site about wengers reaction / anelka's book signing http://crabfootball.wordpress.com/2009/08/08/wenger-slams-nicolas-anelkas-autobiography/ http://crabfootball.wordpress.com/2009/08/11/nicolas-anelkas-book-signing-ends-in-a-show-down/ Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
LiquidAK Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 ^ Some of that is just brilliant. "Well that thing had a life of it’s own" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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