BlueStar

It honestly wouldn't surprise me if he'd won this job in a game of poker, when Ashley thought he had the nuts.

Google maps time What's the potential routes that Pardew will have to take in an effort to get in and out of the ground with four limbs still attached?

Menacing chorus of "We know where you, we know where you, we know where you live?"

Pardew has to leave SJP on Saturday too terrified to ever set foot in the ground again.

Who sits in the Milburn Paddock and reckons they've got the best 50 metre sprint and right hook?

Fuck any suggestion of "Oh, well, he's manager now, we have to back him." I want this cunt to only be able to enter the ground in a Group4 van with a towel over his head with a braying mob battering the outside like Myra Hindley's turning up for court. I'm resigned to the football scoreline on Saturday now, my hope is that there's a good number of shots on target in terms of bottles of piss and pound coins. Make no mistake, this has been the plan for over a month and it's only good results which have annoyingly got in the way of Ashley giving another one of his mates another job earlier on.

When I type Pardew's name with predictive text after the first four letters it comes up as 'Rape'

Our incandescent fucking rage is what we need to show.

I keep having moments where it hits me again what an unbelievably stupid thing this was to do.

Why the fuck would Hoddle come here? Based on his logic everyone associated with the club must have been the Third Reich in a former life.

Right, we can safely assume there's no point in hoping Ashley finds a braincell and does anything reasonable like realising he's not got a clue and selling the club, putting his business interests before his mates, investing and showing ambition, letting a football professional deal with the football, so what about the other direction? How much of an unbelievable moron can he be before it comes full circle and starts to work in our favour again? Say, if he goes to jail for professional fuckwittery (fiddling accounts, using his position to arrange Pakistan-cricket style betting shenanigans, nothing would surprise me) what happens to the club? Is there any kind of serious misconduct which would result in him retroactively failing a fit and proper test, or making his position completely untenable, rather than just untenable to any normal person with a modicum of self respect?

Newcastle having the same manager for 5 years We went through 5 in our last prem season, give them a 5 day contract and see if they manage that first.

If you're asking if permanent will actually be in quotes, yes.

Even if he was interested, contract negotiations wouldn't get off the ground. Ashley's had his finger's burnt already by actually putting in Keegan's contract that he was expected to be in charge of the normal things a premier league manager deals with, this one will have at the top "Mike Ashley's word goes, pedro is your assistant unless I fall out with him, you will buy and sell players based on who I owe favours to and not based on who you want in the squad,"

When he feels he wouldn't be safe in the ground, Ashley can lay low and not turn up. A manager can't. Just sayin'...

To be fair, Pardew's always only a male relative with a shotgun license away from that on any given day.

Heyyyy, Alan Pardew Ooh! Ahh! I wanna knoooowwww If you fucked my wife. Gas Par-dew-dew-dew In the oven gas mark two Actually, wait, having second thoughts about that one.

If Pardew turns us down someone will have to come up with the emotion I'd feel. The Germans probably have a word for it.

FYP.

Been suggested in several places that a major factor in sacking Chris was his refusal to take Mike's best mate pedro as assistant. Ie just like with wise giving a mate a job as a favour overrules footballing matters. Which, if true, would limit our choices to those desperate enough for a prem job to not care about having backroom staff imposed on them.

How many teams have had more matches televised than us this season? And will Sky really go "Wow, with a charismatic go-getter like Pardew at the helm, we'd better be there every week!"

try and read what I actually write, not what Dave would insinuate I was trying to get at are you PHYSICALLY SICK AT THE THOUGHT OF PARDEW?! IS YOUR HAIR BEING PULLED OUT BY THE PROSPECT OF SLEAZY ALAN?! After the Souness and Kinnear debacle, Pardew would have to be the managerial equivalent of Foluwashola (not the player) to go any lower. If you're surprised at emotive language being used by football fans, and particularly in this situation, you've spent your football watching career living under a large rock. I can imagine you shouting a the telly when Wayne Rooney says he was sick as a parrot for missing a shot or Holloway was devestated at a last minute equaliser "You're not devestated you're just pretty annoyed! Silly football fans, you're not 'gutted" at being relegated, it's not like someone's actually RIPPED OUT THEIR INSIDES, they're just upset!"" "Wow, he hit that like someone hitting a ball really hard! Not like a rocket of course, they travel at upwards of 17000 miles per hour, wasn't that fast lulz."

I'm getting visions of Martin Jol and Assistant Manager Peter Beardsley giving a press room conference together and journalists sitting in the front row with brollies.

I'm glad (as much as it's possible at this point in time) that basically everyone in football agrees over this. Ashley is a c***. The only problem is those fans agreeing with us then go on to say "I hope Newcastle get relegated now". Least we're not getting the usual, "The fans forced him out" diatribe though. I dunno, I've seen one Rangers fan start the old "Newcastle are doing this because they all think they're a big club, actually they're a small club over achieving in 11th place in the premier league, not a big enough name etc etc"

Fucking hell Mike, surely even YOU can't get this decision wrong. Can you? The recurring joke of last two panels in Viz's Terry Fuckwitt strip are basically like every choice Ashley has made Second last frame: "So Terry, we have two options available for your face transplant, a 24 year old male model or the dribbling dick of a festering tramp. Which is it to be?" Last frame: "Fuck me, Terry, you really are thick as shit."