Elric

Need Suarez© and Sterling to piss on Chelsea today.

This. The amount of unnecessary panic induced by his distribution today took the fucking piss.

MOTM today, easily.

Hoddle calling the game "lacklustre" Fuck off, Jackie Stallone.

Enjoyable half.

Altidore is soooooooooo fucking shit

"Pawed (gingerly) by the hommers"? Is that what they're singing? It fucking should be.

FUCKING KOLAROV FFS, Y U NO BRING ON TROUé PEGRINI

So half my team is benched, immense

Was, is and always will be a fucking cheat Edit: Solskjaer, that is. Not Mackay

Ryan 'not that type of player' Shawcross. Hope he goes for a 50/50 with a combine harvester, cunt

Walcott (15pts) basically made up for my not-so-astute transfer spending spree (-16pts). Scraped through by the skin of my teeth in the cup, against some week one-er who had a half injured squad

Sterling! Fuck's sake

Got my remaining points hopes riding on Suarez©, Yaya Touré and Negredo. At least The Beast is off the mark

Mignolet

Still last. Shit club, shit team, shit fans, shit 'city'

Zabaleta starts? Crippled according to FPL site. Bastards

Cissé scoring literally killed the Al Jazeera stream I was watching

Gouff

Walcott scores, too. Maybe not going quite as badly as I had imagined

Debuchy assist, Cabaye goal

There's no fucking way Remy should be up on his own, ever, when playing against 9 men. Pile forward you cunts!

Time to get the goal difference up, no mercy.

And there goes the Szczęsny clean sheet. What a fucking trainwreck of a day