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Keefaz' England All-Goalie FM Experiment


Keefaz
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Idea born here: http://www.newcastle-online.org/nufcforum/index.php/topic,62592.msg2023111.html#msg2023111

 

After kicking Capello out of his job, I'm brought before the press for my first conference as England manager:

http://img131.imageshack.us/img131/6070/press1.jpg

FourFourTwo ask me about tactics. I decide to be honest, and suggest I'll take quite a defensive approach: YES! BY FIELDING 11 GOALKEEPERS! (There's not an option to tell them that, though)

 

After succesfully evading questions regarding my plans for the England, my first move as Head Coach is to sack all the outfield players (obviously):

http://img101.imageshack.us/img101/8786/removesquad.jpg

 

http://img399.imageshack.us/img399/3591/outfieldwhat.jpg

 

And replace them with 22 additional English goalkeepers:

http://img113.imageshack.us/img113/5281/keepers.jpg

 

The press seem a little uncertain about my move once the squad is announced before the Czech Republic friendly pencilled in for August, however, I'm hamstrung by the fact that only 49% of players in the PL are English! And even less of them are goalkeepers!

http://img202.imageshack.us/img202/6442/squadannounced.jpg

 

Getting closer to match-day, I start working on tactics with the lads. I've decide to go with a straight-forward 4-4-2 with the deadly Newcastle-based strike partnership of Steve Harper and Fraser Forster up front. A midfield of Robert Green, Joe Hart, Scott Carson and Richard Wright, and the familiar back four of Kirkland, Foster, Robinson and Taylor. As you can imagine, the hardest choice was picking who would go between the sticks. I opted for James based on the logic that if he has a shitter, I can just rotate him with any of the outfield players.

http://img202.imageshack.us/img202/6208/tactics.jpg

 

As the big day finally rolls around, morale is sky-high and I call the lads into the dressing room for the team-talk. I decide to be positive and challenge the players to get the result I know they're capable of:

http://img202.imageshack.us/img202/7322/teamtalk1.jpg

 

We kick off and after 5 minutes we go a goal down (yeah, I forgot to take a screenshot). By half-time, well...

http://img113.imageshack.us/img113/7906/htstats.jpg

 

I decide we've been too conservative: our tackling ratio is off the chart, but we've yet to muster a single shot.

http://img399.imageshack.us/img399/7747/htchanges.jpg

I decide, reluctantly, to take Forster off and put Ian Walker on for his invaluable experience (which, admittedly, doesn't actually include playing as striker for England... or any team, in fact). After a verbal lashing, I send the lads out...

 

...and they concede within a minute (again no screencap). The player seeing most of the ball is David James:

http://img118.imageshack.us/img118/7448/safehands.jpg

and by the 70 minute mark we're 6 goals down. I ring the changes, push Jamo upfront and go hell for leather. Almost instantly Kirkland goes close! Close-ish. Actually, his shot goes out for a throw-in, but it's an instant improvement.

 

Sadly, well...

http://img26.imageshack.us/img26/8528/woeful.jpg

http://img390.imageshack.us/img390/9918/ftstats.jpg

The 28% of possession probably includes the time it took for David James to continuously retrieve ball from the back of his net.

 

Still, I'm proud of the lads' effort:

http://img243.imageshack.us/img243/8038/ftteamtalk.jpg

 

The press aren't quite as considerate and Richard Wright in particular gets a verbal cuffing for his slipshod performance on the right wing:

http://img42.imageshack.us/img42/4002/wrightdiss.jpg

I stick up for the lad, naturally.

 

Later in the day, I'm informed that our 8-0 defeat at the hands of the Czechs is the worst England result of all time:

http://img337.imageshack.us/img337/3500/record1.jpg

 

But, happily, I also broke another long-standing record:

http://img118.imageshack.us/img118/331/record2.jpg

Stick that, Theo.

 

After what was, to be frank, the utter humiliation of my experiment I decide to call it quits. However, if you think England were shit under my stewardship, look who's waiting in the wings:

http://img202.imageshack.us/img202/4407/retire.jpg

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Richard Wright is left footed and you played him on the RIGHT!?!? Other than that, your team selection and tactics were spot on and you deserved better.

 

Thought he could cut inside, considering he has no crossing skills at all of which to speak.

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Richard Wright is left footed and you played him on the RIGHT!?!? Other than that, your team selection and tactics were spot on and you deserved better.

 

Thought he could cut inside, considering he has no crossing skills at all of which to speak.

 

Probably a good idea. Stuart Pearce thought David James up front was their sure fire way of getting into Europe but you decided it better he played in goal, and for that I salute you.

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