Keefaz Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Idea born here: http://www.newcastle-online.org/nufcforum/index.php/topic,62592.msg2023111.html#msg2023111 After kicking Capello out of his job, I'm brought before the press for my first conference as England manager: http://img131.imageshack.us/img131/6070/press1.jpg FourFourTwo ask me about tactics. I decide to be honest, and suggest I'll take quite a defensive approach: YES! BY FIELDING 11 GOALKEEPERS! (There's not an option to tell them that, though) After succesfully evading questions regarding my plans for the England, my first move as Head Coach is to sack all the outfield players (obviously): http://img101.imageshack.us/img101/8786/removesquad.jpg http://img399.imageshack.us/img399/3591/outfieldwhat.jpg And replace them with 22 additional English goalkeepers: http://img113.imageshack.us/img113/5281/keepers.jpg The press seem a little uncertain about my move once the squad is announced before the Czech Republic friendly pencilled in for August, however, I'm hamstrung by the fact that only 49% of players in the PL are English! And even less of them are goalkeepers! http://img202.imageshack.us/img202/6442/squadannounced.jpg Getting closer to match-day, I start working on tactics with the lads. I've decide to go with a straight-forward 4-4-2 with the deadly Newcastle-based strike partnership of Steve Harper and Fraser Forster up front. A midfield of Robert Green, Joe Hart, Scott Carson and Richard Wright, and the familiar back four of Kirkland, Foster, Robinson and Taylor. As you can imagine, the hardest choice was picking who would go between the sticks. I opted for James based on the logic that if he has a shitter, I can just rotate him with any of the outfield players. http://img202.imageshack.us/img202/6208/tactics.jpg As the big day finally rolls around, morale is sky-high and I call the lads into the dressing room for the team-talk. I decide to be positive and challenge the players to get the result I know they're capable of: http://img202.imageshack.us/img202/7322/teamtalk1.jpg We kick off and after 5 minutes we go a goal down (yeah, I forgot to take a screenshot). By half-time, well... http://img113.imageshack.us/img113/7906/htstats.jpg I decide we've been too conservative: our tackling ratio is off the chart, but we've yet to muster a single shot. http://img399.imageshack.us/img399/7747/htchanges.jpg I decide, reluctantly, to take Forster off and put Ian Walker on for his invaluable experience (which, admittedly, doesn't actually include playing as striker for England... or any team, in fact). After a verbal lashing, I send the lads out... ...and they concede within a minute (again no screencap). The player seeing most of the ball is David James: http://img118.imageshack.us/img118/7448/safehands.jpg and by the 70 minute mark we're 6 goals down. I ring the changes, push Jamo upfront and go hell for leather. Almost instantly Kirkland goes close! Close-ish. Actually, his shot goes out for a throw-in, but it's an instant improvement. Sadly, well... http://img26.imageshack.us/img26/8528/woeful.jpg http://img390.imageshack.us/img390/9918/ftstats.jpg The 28% of possession probably includes the time it took for David James to continuously retrieve ball from the back of his net. Still, I'm proud of the lads' effort: http://img243.imageshack.us/img243/8038/ftteamtalk.jpg The press aren't quite as considerate and Richard Wright in particular gets a verbal cuffing for his slipshod performance on the right wing: http://img42.imageshack.us/img42/4002/wrightdiss.jpg I stick up for the lad, naturally. Later in the day, I'm informed that our 8-0 defeat at the hands of the Czechs is the worst England result of all time: http://img337.imageshack.us/img337/3500/record1.jpg But, happily, I also broke another long-standing record: http://img118.imageshack.us/img118/331/record2.jpg Stick that, Theo. After what was, to be frank, the utter humiliation of my experiment I decide to call it quits. However, if you think England were shit under my stewardship, look who's waiting in the wings: http://img202.imageshack.us/img202/4407/retire.jpg Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neil Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 I pretty much knew how each step would unfold yet I couldn't stop laughing. It's the way he tells 'em. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ashley17 Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Richard Wright is left footed and you played him on the RIGHT!?!? Other than that, your team selection and tactics were spot on and you deserved better. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
madras Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Richard Wright is left footed and you played him on the RIGHT!?!? Other than that, your team selection and tactics were spot on and you deserved better. looking to cut in a la waddle at spurs. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neil Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Shame you didn't implement David Stockdale's 'fox in the box' mentality more effectively. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keefaz Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Richard Wright is left footed and you played him on the RIGHT!?!? Other than that, your team selection and tactics were spot on and you deserved better. Thought he could cut inside, considering he has no crossing skills at all of which to speak. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ashley17 Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Richard Wright is left footed and you played him on the RIGHT!?!? Other than that, your team selection and tactics were spot on and you deserved better. Thought he could cut inside, considering he has no crossing skills at all of which to speak. Probably a good idea. Stuart Pearce thought David James up front was their sure fire way of getting into Europe but you decided it better he played in goal, and for that I salute you. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Interpolic Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 absolutely fantastic that. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest diddimz Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Glad to see that Harpers patience over the years has finally been rewarded with his first cap. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
chicago_shearer Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Keefaz for England tbh. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astroblack Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 David James' morale wasn't as high as the others because he was probably up all night playing Tomb Raider and couldn't beat a boss. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yorkie Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Keefaz McBeefaz. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Roger Kint Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Its a sad story of English football when you need to go all the way down to Shrewsbury to find an English keeper Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mowen Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 I can't even see the screenshots at work and I still pissed myself laughing. Pretty embarassing. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tooj Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 No luck on the job front then Keef? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mowen Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 By the way, Robbo's clearly a Heskey style lumbering target man. Missed a trick by not pairing him with Steve 'Rooney' Harper up top. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fugazi Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 By the way, Robbo's clearly a Heskey style lumbering target man. Missed a trick by not pairing him with Steve 'Rooney' Harper up top. It's tactical errors like these which cost him the match. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
JH Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Keefaz McBeefaz. That got me the most too Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
WarrenBartonCentrePartin Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Harper and Pollit up front and you might have had a slim chance. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
dinotheprehistoricgeordie Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pilko Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 I love you mate, that's genius. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
PM Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Top drawer Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boosden Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 love it Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ben-nufc Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 you should still beat andorra Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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