Ronaldo

If that's your criteria then it's Colo then. Except Colo's a good footballer who does a job even when below his usual standards.

Another foul, Shola? Well done. Quality.

Whoever keeps playing shit and giving goals away I'd think.

Not to mention rubbish at football.

Except one tenth as good.

Looks every inch the £3.5m player we bought. What a fucking shock.

Fucking Shola again.

Same old. Complete liability.

How many fouls does Shola want to give away, man? Useless.

I'm out of breath, just ran round the whole house hitting stuff.

Madras and his vast knowledge of Ligue 1 again. I'm out.

no reason it shouldn't be cabaye and anita. Cabaye and Anita are too naturally static and diminutive for the role.

Marveaux's never a box-to-box type in a million years. We do need one, badly.

He's always been greedy but he seems especially reluctant to give it to Cisse.

They're all contradicting what Pardew's just told them. Idiots.

Good stuff.

He's a salesman. Wouldn't make any sense to do the moaning himself.

It's more like 2%, and even then he's merely doing what he's paid to do 100% of the time. Useless cunt that he is.

I miss Leon.

Obviously it's a stupid thing to say, but when Shola Ameobi's your competition for the central spot it's fair to say the playing field has changed, like.

Chaka Khan - Ain't Nobody Tune. I'm suddenly really really happy.

Don't think Ba is the problem, rather the people he surrounds himself with. So he is the problem, then?

I really do hope we avoid personalities like Ba from now on. Not that these cunts every really learn their lessons.

p*ss off.

About Higuain? Doesn't look like it.