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"Hi my name's mike ashley, i bought newcastle football club in a dire state at a bargain-basement price, while in turn liberating it's loyal following from the tyranny and absolute pestilence of the previous regime. I gave them a new-found hope; promising verdant fields of gold and talked of a beautiful future standing alongside kings while polishing our spoils. I took advantage of their naivite, dismissing the big-headed burden on our club and brought back the biggest hero the club had ever seen. I sat alongside them to gain their trust, i liquored them up so they were too inebriated to investigate... That's when i decided to shake things up by appointing meaningless people to sit beside me in the stands, in a desperate attempt to make it seem like i knew how to run a football club. I spent very little, veeeeery little, despite having a thread-bare squad and assembled a backroom staff that underpinned the manager i appointed. He walked out. The fans went ballistic. The club is in the shit again.

Why am i smiling though? Oh that's cause i still think that someone's gonna pay 480 million quid for a mid-table, managerless, unsettled, poisoned chalice of a club... and maybe because i'm a little drunk."

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  • 2 years later...

http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/7160/ashleyqn2.jpg

 

"I was in the east end making sure no one was selling trackie bottoms cheaper than me when I suddenly realised that I had not fucked about with people lives for a while so whilst I was eating my 3rd portion of Pie and Mash I thought to myself, I know I will buy Newcastle United."

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