Gottlob

Probably be the Saudi scabbards underneath an image of the tree that was felled from the Sycamore Gap.

In goal both Pope and Dubravka have provided room for doubt while someone who could play out from the back seems like an obvious evolution. On the other hand I think it's fanciful to reckon that a new right winger would replicate Murphy's numbers or prove transformative to our play. All of our wingers get good numbers in terms of goals and assists but are lacking in the buildup, and if we're going to solve some of our creativity or ball retention issues I think you could just as well look to the midfield where we sometimes lack guile and control, with Willock and Longstaff now unreliable as backups. Then again if we are talking about need rather than changes and improvements to our style of play, a backup striker is probably the biggest imperative because the fall off from Isak seems huge. Pope and Dubravka still look like Premier League players and we can rejig the squad elsewhere, but right now an injury to Isak would leave us without threat or a focal point. So I reckon at least four new signings, including a new goalkeeper and centre-back then at least a couple of players who can add cover and competition at centre midfield, right wing and striker.

Can't recall anybody wanting us to sign Adam Armstrong, but thinking about it even now it might not be that bad of a shout. Say we want Osula to go on loan and are willing to sell one of Gordon or Barnes to fund a superstar right winger or marauding part-cover for Isak. Well in that situation Armstrong might be ideal as third-choice cover for the left wing and striker positions, given that he'd be cheap, homegrown and surely willing to sit on the bench. After the likes of Almiron and Murphy, he's talented enough to be Howe's next reclamation project.

Need him to make it so we can finally update the club songbook.

An unmitigated shambles, and I know that people will rightly say that it's not the fault of Howe or the players. But for me in the big list of things it puts the Carabao Cup behind our First Division trophy in 1993, with Howe behind Keegan and Isak probably behind Andy Cole given the latter's fine run-in and his hat-trick against Leicester.

To soak in the atmosphere, to acquaint or reacquaint oneself with a city or town, then to lurk in an alleyway with nothing but a grim smile and a switchblade, assuming a matchgoer’s ticket and aspects of their identity after dragging them into said alleyway and slicing them from ear to ear.

Paulo Wanchope and Paul Dickov?

Also the penalty should be one action rather than one touch, like in tennis where you're only penalised for hitting the ball twice if you take two swings at it.

Feels like football is at a low ebb at the moment, which has been especially true in Spain with Barcelona in a period of transition while mired in financial crisis. It's a shame that it has allowed Ancelotti, who previously had a dire record domestically, and the likes of Vinicius and Mbappe to fill their oversized boots.

Every great team needs the right mixture of ballers and scrotes.

More like Sven Sittingonhisbotman

He's a diminutive talent, but I've heard there's nothing diminutive about the size of his heart.

I've been to hundreds upon hundreds of matches at St James' Park and I can remember how things seemed to move so quickly in the nineties, from an open stadium with the club shop in a portacabin to 52,000 seats and what for a time felt like one of the best stadiums in the land. But times change and now I have a child of my own, and I'd like to be able to take her to a game at some point in the not too distant future without her turning to me, with tears in her eyes, and saying 'Daddy, why have you brought me to such a shithole?'.

Hey look everybody! I just walked into the door again!

There are two desirable outcomes in my opinion: Dubravka comes in, plays well and we win the match, the obvious choice; or Vlachodimos plays and proves implausibly bad, tripping over his own feet and throwing the ball into his own net several times over. He can be this generation's Fumaca or 'Yohan Kebab', a cause to look back and laugh, the type of thing that over the long haul can really serve to bring a fanbase together. And after all, what's more important than that?

Harvey Barnes? Might as well be Hilary Benn for all the good that did us!

I was around at the time and have absolutely no idea what 'Oldham 96' means. Maybe it's because I'm forgetful or maybe it's cause, you know, I actually have a life and haven't addled my brain with endless minutiae drawn from old football matches!

I agree with Yorkie and AyeDubbleYoo. Gordon is a gobshite who presents as an intellect, but thankfully the likes of Kid Icarus will be around to cut him down to size.

Got to say that my favourite thing about deadline day and maybe the whole transfer window was reading our signings being angrily described as a couple of 'bum boys' only here to placate Howe and Tindall.

Over the past two summers we've signed Tonali, Barnes, Livramento, Hall, Kelly, Osula and you can add Vlachodimos if you'd like for the first team squad. We've spent around £170-190 million on those players, and of the lot only Tonali has seemed like a certainty for the first eleven. So I'm not sure I buy the sincerity or the rationale behind the argument that we're only looking for the best of the best, ready-made players who can immediately enhance the first team. It just sounds like hot air in the place of serious squad building.

An injury to Pope or Schar and we are now severely limited for half of the season. I personally don't think our defence looks great as it stands, and while it's on Howe to improve our ball retention and turn things around away from home, if we do start to control matches more and force other teams to sit back, I reckon we'll struggle more than we'd like to break teams down with attention once again turning to our lack of quality wingers. The plus side obviously includes the return of Tonali, a really talented player who has the capacity to galvanise us out on the pitch, and I think Kelly and Osula were smart pickups. We do have a strong squad with everyone fit. But with Howe expressing his disappointment with our transfer business several times this summer and talking about players feeling unsettled, the end of the transfer window has provided nobody with a lift and it only increases the pressure on our current squad and coaching staff to perform this season.

I think what a lot of people forget is that stuff like this takes time. To be successful you've got to appoint the right people, buy the right tools and only then can you start to think about luring him to the embassy.

I agree, that's why I'm so pleased that we signed the injury-prone backup something or other Lloyd Kelly for £150,000 a week.