The Bard of Byker

Rodgered. He's been on the receiving end of a good Rodgering.

Pardew, you mouldy clownshoe.

I live in Bow - Bow Bells isn't bad, The Little Driver's pretty shite. Just gonna drink in the pub in my flat complex I think, before I go out and cause loads of bother. Naughty little treacle!

I'd prefer to drink further down the Hammersmith and City line, then jump on the tube half an hour or so before kick off. There's a decent boozer at Aldgate East (Indo), a few in Mile End (The Coborn Arms, and, further off the beaten track, The Palm Tree), and one in Bow (The Bow Bells; never liked The Little Driver). Never been in any on a match day, though. Think we'll win this!

I'm your friend.

I have a friend not far from Edinburgh University that has a TV. I'm sure he won't mind. I don't believe you.

Shite game played by posh halfwits.

Might watch this on TV. Is there a decent place in Edinburgh to watch it?

There's nowt up there but a tear-stained tissue. And a watch on back to front.

Hope Palace are on fire for this one.

It was only a matter of time until this pompous tit piped up. Think I had one of those on my bird table yesterday. Aythankew.

I can still see where the old letters used to be, Mike. La la la...

Get well soon, Jonas.

The football's a disgrace He'll nut you in the face That's a Pardew. When you've not got no fret And don't fretten their net That's a Pardew. WHEN YOU'RE A CHRONIC LOSER THAT'S A PARDEW.

Replacing Pardew's 'our fret was impotent cos we was all out of magic' with Bruce's 'wor pants were pulled down and wor bums were smacked today' doesn't appeal. Both miserable apologists.

Haidara pings a 30 yard shit off the bar!

Hey Pardew, why don't you buzz off, buddy?

Shit off, Pardew!

The new Perch.

We was tired as well though. Some of the lads was beset wiv insomnia. Thankfully science weren't against us this time.

There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth in the so-called 'Home Counties' that night.

Love those details on the chest.

Never liked him much. Average defender with a tendency to get sent off or make daft decisions. Jog on, Debuch.

Shorts?! In a restaurant?! He shouldn't have been allowed in.

'Let's put all this be'oind us, Atam, chim chiminy, chim chiminy, chim chim cheree' 'I can neveur forgeeve you, Alain'