......Newcastle-Online:
It is understood that there could also be players on the Newcastle-Online forum who are available for transfer. So who are they, and what benefits would they bring?
One individual that could be available is old timer <b>NE5</b>, a man who possesses immense experience having been around since the days of Lord Westwood. He is scared of no-one, and for years no-one has been able to stop him, even when it has appeared that he has been overwhelmed by sheer numbers. This must all be down to the fact that he never gives up, even when the cause seems (is) lost. If he has a weakness, it would have to be that he sometimes ball-watches focusing on small areas, totally ignorant of some of the play going on around him. Also panders to the Board to such an extent that it has been rumoured that he has had a long-term romantic relationship with Douglas Hall. Regardless, he would play a big part in any forum, and recent statements in which he says that he had no problems with Newcastle United changing from red and white stripes to black and white stripes, and that he is willing to move stadiums suggests that he is ready to move on.
NE5's friend and defensive partner <b>Howaythelads</b> would most likely be unsettled by NE5's departure, and there are rumours that those in charge at Newcastle-Online would throw him in with NE5 as a two for the price of one deal. Individually, Howaythelads possesses almost identical attributes to NE5, although he tends to play in less matches. As a partnership, they are both even more formidable. Critics have compared them to the Neville brothers, and even described them as Newcastle-Online's Marx Brothers.
Another individual who it may be possible to acquire is <b>NSG</b>. A very talented quick-witted individual who has fallen out of favour with some due to only passing to certain team-mates. His predictability means that perhaps a fresh start would be better for all parties involved. He may cost any buyer all small fortune, but his celebrity status will allow the buyer to recoup the transfer fee. Signing NSG will also improve a clubs image and enhance the board’s reputation. Any club that signs him can expect their fans appearing on the news to announce that the club can win the league.
In a starting eleven, there is only room for one left winger, and a buying club could do well to capitalise on the strong competition for this position at Newcastle-Online. <b>BlufPurdi</b> currently represents this forum on the left wing, with main rival <b>Parky</b> being forced to stand aside after Bluf threatened to ban him. With neither individual willing to head towards the centre, it looks like Parky will have to move on. A very talented player, Parky is very offensive…but not very attack-minded. There is no doubt that Parky possesses skill (at certain things) and intelligence (if being well read and over-educated counts), however, he is known to over-analyse play which can lead to confusion within the team. Despite this, Parky would make a great signing, and although he has expensive tastes, he can be bought on the cheap. Another left-winger who frequently makes cameos from the bench is <b>Madras</b> – who adds a little something special by confusing opponents with overwhelming subtlety.
Another strongly offensive player is Newcastle-Online’s very own Roy Keane, <b>Crumpy Gunt</b>, always up for a fight – though is usually harder on own team than others. He is known for his large collection of cuddly teddy bears as seen on MTV’s Cribs. Is usually seen during set pieces criticising the fans from the near post. An infamous local journalist has claimed that word on the street is that he may be allowed to leave due to him picking up one red card too many.
Newcastle-Online are however unlikely to give up their sole right-winger <b>Testa Mora</b>, as despite the fact that she stays too far out to the right and suffers from ill-discipline having been red-carded for racial abuse towards Scots, Australians and tennis-haters, she is their only right winger. Besides, her refusal to play on the other side (despite repeated requests by male forum members) does not really make her the most attractive of transfer targets.
Another player potentially out of the door though is <b>Paul Mosley</b>, due to his well known tendency to kiss up to the referees, and although this can benefit the team during a match, it is often difficult for his team mates to stomach and can lower morale.
Despite the apparent contradiction in his name, <b>Alan Shearer 9</b> can on his day dominate the midfield, though is very erratic, and is probably at his best being brought off the bench in an attempt to confuse the opposition. Rumour has it that powerful individuals behind the scenes seek to remove the self proclaimed people’s champion due to their fear and awe of him. He would normally be an expensive transfer but his value has declined after recently serving a one-year ban by the FA for testing positive for THC.
If looking for an offensive (midfielder), you could do much worse than <b>Stevieintoon</b> a.k.a. <b>NE15</b>. You can always guarantee that he will always up for a game against Everton, Spurs or ‘Pool but has a history of being sent off in these games. Has turned up for training drunk a few times and fined accordingly, and there are rumours that with a more hardline stance being taken on the forum, Stevie will jump before he is pushed.
As for youngsters, Newcastle-Online are likely to part with 16 year old prodigy <b>Jonny Hall</b> due to his maniacal cravings for power, while there are always rumours surrounding <b>Christian Hayne</b>, while another youngster, <b>Porridge</b> was recently released on a free transfer and could be available for anyone desperate that is willing to take a big, big risk.
Transfer-listed <b>Wullie</b>, known as “the Tiger” to friends or as “Big Pussy” to his enemies due to the close relationship with his cat, can be purchased on the cheap after it was revealed on the back pages about a torrid affair with team mate’s wife. He is famous for negative defensive play, yet bizarrely wants to leave the team – declaring himself ‘absolutely devastated’ about the teams decision to revert to a 4-5-1 formation.
Captain <b>Grassroots</b>, or whatever he’s calling himself today, may not appear to be the most attractive of targets, due to the fact that like Tim Howard he suffers from Tourettes syndrome, talks to himself and occasionally and thinks of himself as James Bond, but aside from these psychotic interludes he is known to “drop the knowledge” in such volumes as to overwhelm other players. He is willing to leave to any club managed by any German who has led two different teams to Champions League Glory, as long as someone sends him a 5,617 page dossier on local golf courses.
Disagreements about the more stringent code of conduct at Newcastle-Online with the authorities at mean that <b>Gemmill</b> is unlikely to extend his loan move from a local non-league club. The mega-intelligent person he is, he cant be expected to stay at his non-league club, and will definitely be willing to let himself be loaned out to another side, but only on certain conditions, i.e. he must be the most mentally superior individual at the club, but also, the club must be receptive to WAGs, as Gemmill is unlikely to go anywhere without <b>Alex</b> in tow.
The Gemmill-Alex situation highlights perfectly some of the sexuality speculation that goes on at Newcastle-Online, and it is said that speculation on his own sexuality is the main reason for which <b>GeJon</b> has decided to move on. It is unclear exactly what GeJon brings to Newcastle-Online, but his team-mates will remember him fondly for persuading left back (in General Chat) <b>Snoopy</b> to return from her loan move at a non-league club.
The official forum lunatic <b>Taylor27</b>, may also have to leave, as fellow forum members discover that he was responsible for this masterpiece. Taylor27 would like to thank Alex and Gemmill for getting his bad jokes and understanding his whimsical raving. He would also like to thank soccer-mom <b>CaliMag</b> for many of his ideas.
