bobbydazzla

Easiest solution for someone in your situation is to get added to the Friends list of someone you know who can do the 10am resale and then they buy a ticket on your behalf, on your account Far from ideal, but it’d get you to the match regularly

Exactly this, met a 60+ aged woman down the boozer earlier who used to go all the time when tickets were easy to come by, said she’d only been able to get to one game in 2 years because she never wins the ballot and doesn’t know how to do resale She’s now given up on even applying for the ballot We won’t have a second date, but I found her insight interesting

If we build a new stadium with significantly increased capacity and they still insist on having daft fucking ballots then they can get to fuck I’ll go and watch the speedway in Byker instead

I’d rather have it slightly empty for those rare very unattractive games than have tens of thousands locked out for the majority of games during the season Why base capacity on the worst case scenario that might happen once or twice a season, that’s just fucking daft

Can we all be honest, take off our black n white tinted spectacles for a brief moment and deal with the 100 tonne elephant in the room… If any daft cunt blows a vuvuzela near me ever again I’m ramming it so far up their arse that they’ll sound like a human kazoo whenever they breathe in, for the rest of their lives. And I won’t use lube either Nothing more to see here, feel free to carry on with your day as you see fit

Teenager stood next to me on the parade route said to his pal “imagine what it’ll be like if we win the league” I tapped him the shoulder, leant in and whispered in his ear “it’s when, not if, bonny lad” At least I think that’s what I said, but I’d had 7 cowies, 11 cans of Budweiser, a huff off a glue bag and sucked down a creamy tac bucket, so I might be mistaken

In the end I just settled for gaffer taping a miniature bottle of Famous Grouse to my winkle

Adopts Attenborough voice: “And here we have, near the banks of the river Tyne, standing in a tree, one of the rarest apes in the world, the Black & White Striped Silverware Gorilla. Last seen 70 years ago, many feared this was an extinct species. But thankfully, it has reappeared today, to greet the homecoming of its victorious troop. A wonderful sight, that it once seemed, we would never, ever see again”

Everything sounds class on glue

You bought one of them wine bottle dildos too ?

The massive LED advertising boards at the Etihad make it absolutely unbearable to watch your home games on telly Like trying to concentrate on a few blokes as they kick a footy around in front of an IMAX

Have decided I’m smuggling some wine into the town moor event, got a nice bottle of Châteauneuf-du-Pape that I’m decanting into this

Can you ask your mate if he can remember whether any went up rectums ? I like facts, not speculation

If I do a massive bump of ket will it make the bus go past slower so I can see more of the players ? Asking for a friend

Anyone know how many cans of Fosters it’s possible to stick up your rectum before it begins to smart ? Asking for a friend

Shit nee Beers

Anyone know if they'll have drugs sniffer dogs at the town moor that can detect cowies and low purity toot ? Asking for a friend

The swings and roundabouts down near the tennis courts and cafe in Exhibition Park ? Won’t see much from there, too many trees blocking the view

I asked in the club shop last week and they said yes, but also that it'll be a while because they're waiting on a new arrival of Carabao / Fender badges

I've DM'd Michelle Collins on Insta to say she can have my spare ticket and then stay over at mine rather than paying for a hotel at short notice

I know for definite that there’s been talks with Sam’s people and Sam was very keen to do it. Swear down on me nana’s life, nee skinchies Haven’t enquired as to whether it got signed off though

Had forgotten all about that cricket game

I people watch on the way back home Everybody on the town moor sober Standing in cow pats out of the heat Somebody's darlings got shitty feet tonight Oh I can't stop running I see the open top bus I people watch on the way back home I people watch on the way back home Ooh Ooh, ooh

Middle aged geordie youtube tosspot who projects an image of being the voice of Newcastle but has never been to the town moor or has any idea of how to get there What the actual fuck This berk needs to change his name from Mouth of the Tyne to South of the Tyne

Carol Maglia