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Rodrigo Muniz being linked from Fulham

Anything that could be CONCEIVED of to happen, or not, within my...realm, you know...then probably some sort of everlasting life.

Shall we do a sweepstake on when the club officially announces a new signing? Date and time required and it must be a twitter/x post, nearest wins. Winner gets nothing because us signing a player is enough of a prize.

There are question marks about him mentally/physically. Pep is probably the best manager for him. If he can’t respect and work hard for Pep, he’ll never do it. Either Pep or Carlo.

What in the AI nonsense is going on in here

I see Saint Maximin is available

Kubo - Welcome to NUFC (if we ignore the fact he’s probably in Japan)

5th June and everybody has already lost the plot ffs

I asked AI to generate a Luke Edwards Newcastle Transfer update tweet: "I am a bald nonce and I am objectively terrible at my job due to the fact that I haven't got a clue about what's going on behind the scenes at Newcastle. When I approach my sources for exclusive scoops they almost certainly think "Oh heaven have mercy, it's that fucking gimp Edwards again. Maybe I'll feed him some utter bilge that no one will believe, maybe he'll get the hint and fuck off then." If you're looking for a transfer rumour, I thoroughly recommend you translate a Burnsie tweet to Old Norse, change the font to wingdings and then read it backwards, it'll still be more accurate than one of my exclusives. Shame on anyone who takes me seriously. I should be fired into the sun. Luke." Wow. AI is getting scarily realistic nowadays!

I'll give you that one

That's the last one I promise.

Can you write an article on Newcastle United's summer transfer window thus far, having missed out on targets such as Bryan Mbuemo from Brentford and Cunha from Wolverhampton Wanderers. Can you include what their next moves are, who their next targets may be and what positions they prioritise this window? Can the article also be written as if it was Jesus Christ speaking? The Gospel According to Newcastle: Summer 2025 Transfer Revelations Verily, I say unto you, brethren of the Toon Army, gather ye to hear the tidings of Newcastle United's summer journey in the year of our Lord 2025. Chapter 1: Trials and Tribulations In their quest to strengthen the flock, Newcastle sought the talents of Bryan Mbeumo of Brentford and Matheus Cunha of Wolverhampton Wanderers. Alas, both have chosen different paths, with Mbeumo favoring a move to Manchester United, and Cunha already donning the red of Old Trafford. Chapter 2: New Beginnings Yet, hope springs eternal. The Magpies have secured the services of young Spanish prodigy Antonio Cordero from Málaga. Though he shall first embark on a loan journey, his future shines bright on Tyneside. Chapter 3: The Path Forward To fortify their ranks, Newcastle's priorities are thus: Right Winger: With Miguel Almirón's departure, the need for a dynamic presence on the right flank is paramount. Targets include Johan Bakayoko of PSV and Ademola Lookman of Atalanta. Centre-Back: The defense seeks rejuvenation. Lloyd Kelly, formerly of Bournemouth, stands as a prime candidate to bolster the backline. Striker: With uncertainties surrounding Callum Wilson, the pursuit of a reliable partner for Alexander Isak leads to names like Benjamin Sesko of RB Leipzig. Goalkeeper: To ensure a strong last line of defense, James Trafford of Burnley remains a key target. Chapter 4: The Road Ahead Financial prudence guides the Magpies, mindful of Premier League sustainability rules. Departures of seasoned players may pave the way for new signings. Let us pray for wisdom and discernment as Newcastle United navigates this pivotal summer. May their endeavors bear fruit, and may the faithful rejoice in the suc cesses to come. Amen.

Yamal anyone?

Oh dear Christ

Can you write an article on Newcastle United's summer transfer window thus far, having missed out on targets such as Bryan Mbuemo from Brentford and Cunha from Wolverhampton Wanderers. Can you include what their next moves are, who their next targets may be and what positions they prioritise this window? Can the article also be written as if it was Ali G speaking? Aiii, big up yaself. Dis one’s comin’ straight from St. James’s Park to da ghetto—Ali G-style break down of what’s goin’ down wiv Newcastle United in da summer transfer window, ya get me? 🧨 Da Toon’s Transfer Madness, Innit Booyakasha! Da Magpies has been tryin’ to sign some big ballers dis summer, but man like Eddie Howe’s been gettin' bare knock-backs, ya feel me? Dem tried to bag Bryan Mbeumo from Brentford—man's proper rapid, innit—but da geezer got his eyes on Old Trafford. Man United be throwin' silly paper at him—quarter of a milli a week, blud! That’s more than I make sellin' DVDs in Staines for a year! Den Newcastle was chattin' to Matheus Cunha from Wolves, thinkin’ he’d come rep for da Toon. But nah blud—again, Man United be like that rich cousin who buys all da shiny toys before you even finish your Pot Noodle. 62 mil gone like dat. Pow! 💰 Who Dey Actually Got, Fam? Don’t get it twisted—Newcastle ain’t just sittin’ dere like lemons. Nah blud, dey makin’ moves! First up, dey nicked Antonio Cordero, a Spanish baller from Malaga. Real Madrid and Barca wanted him, but he said, "Nah fam, I’m goin’ Geordie!" Respect. Man’s only 18, so he prob’ly gonna go out on loan and learn how to not get bodied by League One defenders. Also, dey gonna sign a Georgian yout’ called Vakhtang Salia in August when man turns 18. I ain't even heard of him, but if his name sound like a Balkan warlord, he’s probs a proper baller. 🎯 What Dey Lookin’ For Next? So check dis—Newcastle still got holes bigger than me Nan’s knittin’. Dis is what dey need, safe? Right Winger: Since Miguel Almirón’s done a runner back to America, dey need someone pacy down da wing. Murphy’s decent but man ain’t exactly Mbappé, iz he? Centre-Back: Dey want Lloyd Kelly from Bournemouth. He free, so like—man’s a bargain bin Van Dijk, innit? Goalie: Pope’s been dodgy and got injured more than glass furniture. So dey lookin’ at James Trafford from Burnley. Young keeper, proper potential, probably still uses Lynx Africa. Striker: Isak is da main man up front, but Callum Wilson’s legs are more brittle than a Wotsit. Dey checkin’ out Benjamin Sesko. Sounds like a Bond villain, plays like one too. 🕵️‍♂️ Next Targets? You Dun Know! Word on da street is Newcastle watchin’ some mad talent, like: Johan Bakayoko: From PSV. Not sure if he’s related to da one who flopped at Chelsea, but dis one got tekkers for days. Ademola Lookman: Used to play in da Prem. Now bossin’ it in Italy. Man might be ready for a Toon comeback tour. Angel Gomes: Ex-Man Utd yout’, now doin’ bits in France. Looks like he might wanna come home and get a proper Greggs sausage roll again. 💸 Money Moves, Blud Newcastle gotta be careful wiv da cash, cos da Premier League don’t like clubs spendin’ like rappers on a HMV voucher. Dey already shifted Almirón to free up some wages. Trippier and Wilson might be next if da right money comes in. Gotta sell da old to bring in da new, like cleanin’ out ya fridge before a Lidl run. 🎤 Final Bars So yo, Newcastle might’ve missed some targets, but man like Eddie Howe still out here buildin’ a squad dat can slap up da league next season. Watch out for da Toon Army, blud. Dey comin’ strong. Dey ain’t here to play—dey here to spray (goals, innit). Respek. Want a matchday preview or a diss track for Spurs next? Just holla. Aiii.

A bit of folded in a brown envelope will sort that out.

CL holds way too much weight when it comes to the ballon d’Or so fuck Dembele. Should be Yamal no question.

Now do Ali G.

Cherki was available for £30m. It's sad Eddie can't find space for a player like that in his team/squad. Constantly going out and trying to run the brakes off the opposition will only get you so far, as we've seen already this season.

I understand.

I did similar: Can you write an article on Newcastle United's summer transfer window thus far, having missed out on targets such as Bryan Mbuemo from Brentford and Cunha from Wolverhampton Wanderers. Can you include what their next moves are, who their next targets may be and what positions they prioritise this window? Can the article also be written in the same writing style and descriptive language of Cormac McCarthy? In the waning light of the northern summer, Newcastle United stand at a crossroads, their ambitions tempered by the unforgiving realities of the transfer market. The Magpies, having set their sights on luminous talents like Bryan Mbeumo and Matheus Cunha, now find themselves navigating the shadows, seeking new paths to fortify their ranks. Their pursuit of Mbeumo, the Brentford winger whose 20 goals and seven assists last season marked him as a coveted asset, was thwarted by Manchester United's decisive £45 million bid, coupled with an enticing wage offer of £250,000 per week . Similarly, Cunha's allure proved irresistible to the Red Devils, who secured his services from Wolverhampton Wanderers for £62.5 million . Yet, Newcastle's resolve remains unshaken. Their first acquisition of the summer, 18-year-old Spanish prodigy Antonio Cordero from Málaga, signals a commitment to nurturing future brilliance. Cordero, who played a pivotal role in Málaga's promotion to the Segunda División, is expected to spend his initial season on loan, honing his skills for the challenges ahead . In goal, the Magpies are eyeing Burnley's James Trafford, a long-term target whose £20 million valuation reflects his burgeoning reputation. With Martin Dubravka's contract nearing its end and Nick Pope's future uncertain, Trafford is viewed as a potential cornerstone for the club's defensive line . Defensively, the aging legs of Fabian Schär and Dan Burn, coupled with Sven Botman's recurring knee issues, have prompted a search for reinforcements. Crystal Palace's Marc Guehi remains a prime target, though previous bids have been rebuffed. Bournemouth's Lloyd Kelly, set to become a free agent, offers a cost-effective alternative, while Liverpool's Jarell Quansah is also on the radar, with a potential £30 million bid being considered . On the wings, the departure of Miguel Almirón has left a void that Newcastle aim to fill. PSV's Johan Bakayoko and Atalanta's Ademola Lookman are among the names linked, with the club seeking to inject pace and creativity into their flanks . Up front, the reliance on Alexander Isak has highlighted the need for depth. With Callum Wilson's contract expiring and his injury record a concern, Newcastle are exploring options like RB Leipzig's Benjamin Šeško and Eintracht Frankfurt's Omar Marmoush to bolster their attacking arsenal . As the summer unfolds, Newcastle United's path is fraught with challenges, yet their vision remains clear. In the words of Cormac McCarthy, they move forward, "carrying the fire," seeking to forge a squad capable of igniting the passions of St. James' Park and beyond.

Won't be for much longer.