Alan Pardew

They asked me to fill in today. I politely declined. YES LADS! Another 3 points today for Young Eddie and the lads I think. Hoping for a quick recovery.

Congratulations!

Great manager Young Eddie - He come in and saved you lot from relegation and never looked back really. He might get 5th this season. I also got 5th. Difference is he has players like Isak, Tonali and Toni Guimaraes available to him while The King had to make do with cloggers who ended up in the Championship and even League One later in their careers. Probably why I won LMA manager of the year while Young Eddie likely won’t. Both of us great managers. Bottle of red for me later tonight - that 8 year contract served me well. See ya later lads.

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS LADS. I got 5th and LMA manager of the year. Young Eddie won the Carabao. See ya later.

YYYYYYEEEESSS LADS. No that was a tough time. Tough defeat to Brighton when we were in a bad streak. We’d lost Demba Ba and the injury list was longer than a Steve Bruce takeaway order from Greggs. I wanted to kick on from when we got 5th but they bought me shite players. See ya later.

What a terrible game this has been. I’m opening a bottle of red. The kind of red you can buy when you get an eight year contract if you get me? See ya later.

Remember when I brought him on and he scored within a few seconds against spurs? Good times. He was shite though - that was the level of players The King had available.

Sell this lad while he’s worth something. Can’t pass, can’t cross.

Proper shite that Chelsea keeper.

I will text the lad some good London barbers.

Great manager. 4th in the league and one leg in another cup final already. Glass of red wine for me now. See ya later.

That is never a red for Joelinton. Stop being soft. It’s the Premier League ffs. Young Eddie been let down by his players here. Also your fullbacks are overrated. That Livramento is worse than Wan Bissaka going forward and he can’t cross or pass. Lewis Hall can’t defend. See ya later.

Proper shite that Hojlund lad. It’s the Norwegian Allsven for him in a few years. How is he Manchester United’s main striker?

I believe Young Eddie will win this one 2-0.

I should send my resume.

Look I may have said some things that were wrong and stupid in hindsight but you all would have done the same if you were frustrated with a loss and being asked those annoying questions from the reporters. The ball though… The King wouldn’t blame that.

Prefer my gig at talkSPORT over this nonsense. A Harry Potter character being interviewed by a man who by the looks of him just ate an entire McDonald’s. Not for me this.

YYYYYYYEEEEEEEESSSS LADS!!!!

That Rammes Hojlund is tragic. It’s the polish Ekstraklasa for that lad in 4 years time. I enjoyed watching Young Eddie defeat the Aussie yesterday. See ya later

YYYEESS LADS. Never had doubt Young Eddie would get a result here. Do you know who the manager was the last time you lot won there in the PL? That’s right. It was The King. What a manager Young Eddie is. But will he win LMA Manager of the Year like The King? Doubtful. See ya later.

Young Eddie to win this one 3-1. I believe in him. See ya later.

The King overlooked yet again. It might be The Championship for me lads.

Villa playing some good football here but Young Eddie usually outthinks The Vampire so it could be 3 points for you lot against these.

I think I’ll apply for the Southampton gig. Get in there early. On the front foot you could say.

Ashley was never my mate.