Alan Pardew

I haven’t applied for the position lads don’t worry. I’m still aiming to be back in the dugout. Managing… setting the team. One last dance with the King. Heh… no… I would take a gig in the Championship I’ll tell you that. Some mid table side and then guide them to promotion. I’ve done it before you know. See ya later.

Can’t believe Fat Ange won that. They were so poor. No quality on the ball whatsoever. We were never that bad…? Right lads?

I’m not I’ve learned my lesson.

Yes I did!

YYYEESS LADS!

It’s back to the Swedish Tippeliga or whatever they call it for that Hojlund lad in a few years. Shocking.

Yes lads! I believe young Eddie will get over that line. There’s fight and fret in this team!

Almost happened when I was manager. If Cisse had scored one of those chances that hit the woodwork I think we would have gone on to win the whole thing. YES LADS!

Proper shite that Onana. Tim Krull saves that all day.

A lot of job opportunities are presenting themselves to me. The King needs to be back on the pitch… managing a team. Settings the tactics. One last dance so to say. Heh… Decent Championship side would be good for me I think.

I believe Young Eddie will win this one 3-1.

Young Eddie should call Chelsea and inquire about that Madueke. What a player.

It was a pen lads. Let’s hope Villa don’t score further. I hope Young Eddie can get 5th just like The King did. Though 5th these days is a CL ticket. Back in my day it was only a Europa League qualification spot. Remember when we almost won it? Good times. See ya later.

They asked me to fill in today. I politely declined. YES LADS! Another 3 points today for Young Eddie and the lads I think. Hoping for a quick recovery.

Congratulations!

Great manager Young Eddie - He come in and saved you lot from relegation and never looked back really. He might get 5th this season. I also got 5th. Difference is he has players like Isak, Tonali and Toni Guimaraes available to him while The King had to make do with cloggers who ended up in the Championship and even League One later in their careers. Probably why I won LMA manager of the year while Young Eddie likely won’t. Both of us great managers. Bottle of red for me later tonight - that 8 year contract served me well. See ya later lads.

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS LADS. I got 5th and LMA manager of the year. Young Eddie won the Carabao. See ya later.

YYYYYYEEEESSS LADS. No that was a tough time. Tough defeat to Brighton when we were in a bad streak. We’d lost Demba Ba and the injury list was longer than a Steve Bruce takeaway order from Greggs. I wanted to kick on from when we got 5th but they bought me shite players. See ya later.

What a terrible game this has been. I’m opening a bottle of red. The kind of red you can buy when you get an eight year contract if you get me? See ya later.

Remember when I brought him on and he scored within a few seconds against spurs? Good times. He was shite though - that was the level of players The King had available.

Sell this lad while he’s worth something. Can’t pass, can’t cross.

Proper shite that Chelsea keeper.

I will text the lad some good London barbers.

Great manager. 4th in the league and one leg in another cup final already. Glass of red wine for me now. See ya later.

That is never a red for Joelinton. Stop being soft. It’s the Premier League ffs. Young Eddie been let down by his players here. Also your fullbacks are overrated. That Livramento is worse than Wan Bissaka going forward and he can’t cross or pass. Lewis Hall can’t defend. See ya later.